Mortality, Mortality.. Is there any way around it?

SuperMujer

Thoughts of mortality occupy my mind. Not just mine, but my children, my husband etc. It has so engulfed me me that I dont really care about the things that I used to care about.. Work seems a nuisance, my patience is all but gone and I am so afraid to hope for the future that I can hardly make plans for it. I finished AC in June,  I should be better by now but have an undercurrent of anger at all times... Will this ever go away???? 

P.S. I've had two breast cancers (the second  with mets), TAH, oopherectomy, dx with a cerebral meningioma..

roseg

I think you will adjust, but I also think you're sounding like someone who'd benefit from talking with a thearpist. It's very normal to be angry, but why let it ruin your life?

Call your PCP and see if they can refer you t someone.

Isabella4

Super.

Rose is right, see a therapist, it could help a lot.

We all get these horrible thoughts, mainly just nicely after treatment ends. I was told my upset thoughts was post traumatic stress, therapists help to put things in perspective, to explain just why your particular situation is as it is...we are all different....and all come from different backgrounds and upbringings, which, so I was told have great bearing on how we cope.

I am not saying the thoughts will go, I still cannot get thru 2/3 hours without suddenly being pulled up sharply with thoughts of my mortality. It prays on my mind when I am alone at night in the dark. I STILL get up a couple of times a week during the night, and sit alone watching dawn breaking, my thoughts all over the place.

I have started to plan ahead, but not too far !! I was about 4 years before I would plan to even visit relatives.....unless it was for a next day visit, and most of my rellies don't even know about my bc, so they must wonder why I am being evasive.

I have found I also have come out of this as a much more short tempered person. I do not suffer fools gladly, and have been downright rude to people calling on me and wasting time.  I had a poor young man call in summer, to try and sell me arial photos. I was annoyed that he'd cold called at 6.30 in the evening, I had just got sat down for my dinner, and left the table to answer the door, so he got 'bug off' from me, and the door slammed in his face. DH went nutty with me, but I don't want to know now, only on my terms.You have had a lot going on, much more than me, so you're entitled to feel the way you do. Do go see a therapist, I think you will find it time well spent.

Also, we will need a progress report, please !!

Isabella.

LuAnnH

You really should seek out some professionial help to get past this.  You shouldn't waste any of your life worrying where you might fall in the stats category.  A majority of the people that get bc have their tx, recon if they  want it and move on with thier lives.  They can go on to live a very fruitful life.  Just because you got a bc dx in you life doesn't mean it's over.  Even with a mets dx your life is not over.  You keep on living life to the fullest and enjoying what God has given you.

You honestly just sound like you are in a rut and either an anti depressant or therapy would help you get past it.  In all honestly the therapist sometimes is alot better because you can let out all the deepest darkest fears without being judged.  Good Luck and I hope you feel better soon.

SuperMujer

Isabella and Rose,

I've been to a therapist and yes it does help. My problem is I live in the caribbean on a small island with one psychiatrist. He's so busy he has not been able to fit me in..

I really related to what you said about "only on my terms" Isabella. The problem is; How long will those around me tolerate that mentality? I'm working on it but my patience for nonsense is  basically zero and it shows, and unfortunately most things to me feel like nonsense.

Are there any online therapists out there?

I'll be dealing with this forever. Its in my DNA...

LA

everyminute

I recently read After Breast Cancer by Hester Hill Schnipper (who is also a two time bc survivor and also a oncology social worker married to an oncologist!)

I highly recommend the book AND one thing she stresses is that it takes as long to get thru the emotional and physical trauma as it did for your treatment.  So if you had 6 months of treatment, dont expect to be feeling "normal" (whatever that is ) for at least 6 months after that treatment.  Another thing that rang true for me was - You must live your life as if cancer will never return - otherwise cancer wins.

 I too struggle - this is tough s--t - we need to be tougher!!!!  sigh...

LuAnnH

I tell you what being on these boards help me mentally so maybe hanging around others going through your exact same feelings may help you work your way through it.  Being stuck in a sort of hell over cancer is not a pretty place to be.  If you can't get professional help then maybe working with others in your situation may help.

iodine

I was so pissed off for 2 1/2 years!  Then, after a bit of counseling, time, meds, and TIME, my daughter said she was so glad I was back.  That other lady was nice and all, but she sure had missed her mom.   LOL

We have stared our own mortality in the eyes and it's a huge shock.  It's not something anyone gets over easily.  We all know everyone dies, but we just never thought WE would. And I was 60 years old!

I do know that it DOES get better.  I think about year 2, I sorta quit thinking about bc every day, let alone every minute.

You are perfectly normal.  I don't know how many times I've read gals here say the same things you do---you just want to pinch the heads off of some of the people who talk to you and complain about a cold, knee pain, bad hair day, whatever!

I found that my priorities changed dramatically!!!  If the dust bunnies want to procreate and start a bunny farm, I'm fine with that.  If the kitchen floor is sticky --- wear shoes is my response.  It'll get mopped when  I'm good and ready.

I also learned that I had to ASK for what I needed-------unfortunately, my dh and kids had not yet learned to read my mind.  It was a true awakening!

I regret that we no longer cuss on this site-If you'd been here a few years ago, you would have seen the pages turn blue with all the 4 letter words in the book.  I do believe that there is a real release with cussing.  I know it helped me and besides, sometimes that's just the best way to describe something or make a statement.  WTF, just doesn't do it for me!  Neither does s**t, etc

Keep comming here and please know that you can bitch, moan, whine, laugh (yes, laugh) or any other thing you desire.  We want you to!   Think of all the others who don't have your insight!  You will open doors for many.

In the meantime:  ((((((hugs)))))

NoH8

When you die, you're never going to look back and think, I wish I spent more time worrying about dying. .  Is there a way you can look at cancer as a reminder to appreciate the days you do have and a challenge to make the most of  the time you spend with your loved ones? There are several good workbooks on the market for helping with cognitive issues surrounding depression. The Depression Workbook by Mary Ellen Copeland is a popular one, but my favorite are the book and workbook by David Burns Feeling Good are wonderful. Using workbooks takes a lot of commitment and the work can be emotional. Having a therapist would help you process your insights. You don't need a psychiatrist (unless you needs meds),  psychologists, counselors a clinical social workers are trained to do therapy.  I would stay away from anyone claiming to be an online therapist- most licensing bodies don't allow for online therapy and anyone can claim to be a therapist online.

Jorf

There is an organization that has therapists on line regarding cancer. Support groups as well. Of course, can I remember the name???? Do a search - it's out there, has Cancer in the name. Sorry I can't be more helpful.

NancyD

SM, there was a time, even before my bc, when I would lie awake fearing my own death. I recognized my mortality at a rather young age and it followed me all my life. I was able to suppress it for long periods, but every once in a while, the gripping fear would overwhelm me and I would have anxiety attacks. I didn't know what they were...I was too young to have a word for the feeling.

As a young adult, I finally learned what the fear was, but there was not much that could be done. It really was before anti-anxiety meds except the very strong ones they used for psych patients. So I learned my own coping mechanism. Nowadays , I'd probably be prescribed something and be taking meds to prevent panic attacks, but what I did was non-pharmacological—I just told myself, "Everyone's in the same boat. Everyone's going to die, and I am not alone in that." I thought of my relatives who had already died and thought, "Well, if they can get through it, so can I." I turned on TV so I did not feel alone, and told myself it was a long time away.

Religion sometimes plays a part in helping me...not always, but sometimes. My faith isn't the strongest, but it gets me through. Something a priest said in his homily a few months ago has stayed with me:  We spend so much of our lives looking for fulfillment; in our work, in our relationships. But the truth is anything we find here on earth does not compare to what we will feel when in God's presence. That is the ultimate fulfillment.

Surprisingly, since hearing that sermon, I have not had a panic attack over my mortality. I am more at peace now than ever before...now when my treatment is over and the creeping feeling that another, more deadly bout of bc will strike should be overtaking me, but it's not. I am at peace.

But that doesn't mean that I'm not vigilant or won't treat any recurrence. It just means that I have made a place for bc in my life and it is NOT front and center. It's off to the side, and occasionally I have to go over that way, say to see one of my drs, so I have to step around it a bit. But it's not there when I get up and go to work, or when my boss calls a meeting, or when my children call with news, or when a friend invites me out to dinner, or when I go to a party, or when I sit down to watch a favorite TV program.

And those times I do have confront it, like when I see my drs, I am in control and can make rational decisions, not a jumble of nerves over expectations of hearing negative news.

I'm sure the sermon was just the trigger, not the whole answer, to my acceptance. It was something I latched onto that made sense. It worked for me in the context of my life. It helped me see that I have gotten through other tense moments by innately using other coping skills. It helped me identify the ones that worked even when I didn't know that I was doing something. 

SuperMujer

Hi Nancy,

I can relate to religion helping in these turbulent times. There have been many a day when prayer alone was what kept me going. I just feel like all my wind is gone right now and even my spirituality seems ou of reach. Its not a conscious thing, I dont want to feel this way...

I just do.. Maybe with time like you guys have said it will fade.

Thanks for your supportive words. Maybe I'll go over to the "bitch and moan" thread for a while.

LA