Friends had no time for me, but call me to help others

samon

Friends had no time for me, but call me to help others

samon

I just can't get over the fact that when I had my bilat. mast. three years ago, my moms group of friends (it was a moms play group) didn't even bother to help me at all.  I know this shouldn't be all about "what's in it for me" and this maybe sounds like it is.  But, at the time I had a 15 month old at home and was not allowed to pick him up for six weeks.  My mom helped me almost every day that she could.  None of "my" mom friends offered to help, bring a meal or even call during that time to see how I was.  These women all belong to my church and one of them commented that they didn't do anything because they were all busy (aren't we all) and that I didn't make a big announcement about it and was keeping it private.   I did want to keep it private and had asked them not to tell others.  Two of the moms ended up telling others anyway.

Now, I find it hard when they think nothing about calling me to help when others need a meal or some help. This has happend a few times in the past years and just today I got called to chip in for two other families.  Usually it's for when someone has a baby or a family member has surgery.  While I am more then willing to help, I just can't get over the fact that none of them felt the desire to help me.  It wasn't that I was looking for a free handout, but  I feel like it was a slap in the face to me and that by not doing anything to help me was their way of showing me how they really felt about me. 

I wish I could forgive and forget, but just when I start to do that I get a call to help someone else.  It just hurts me all over again that I was forgotten (or even intentionally ignored).  Please don't advise me to find new friends because these are people from my church and unless we find another church, I just can't do that.  Also, our kids all attend the same school so I see them all the time.  My hubby keeps telling me to just forget it, but it still stings whenever I see them rushing to help others. 

roseg

In our church the "Deacons" handle this kind of stuff.

Did you ask the Deacons (or whatever) for help and they told you that they were too busy? That is pretty unpardonable. 

 If you didn't clearly ask them for help then I think the issue is more with you than them. Are you resentful that other families have asked for help and you didn't?  I can understand that because I too have this whole stoic "I can do it" thing going on.

I recently had more than a month of dinners come from my church. My husband had a bone marrow transplant. We didn't exactly ask for help. He'd had chemo earlier in the year and everyone knew (since he lost his hair) and when this came up we talked about it. 

So then the Deacons stepped up and asked us what they could do. I didn't think we really needed help but in the end it made things a lot easier -- plus the people who helped us, and still haven't received thank you notes  felt like they'd been helpful.

Our church makes it easy to do dinners. They have a large freezer and you can put the food in that then the person can pick it up at their leisure.  I like to cook and always try to make something that I think they'll like and that isn't dull. When the Pastor's wife had bc he called me personally to thank me for the red rice/beans and sausage I made for them.  I guess it wasn't too spicy.

Whether you asked for help or not I want you to remember that you really are helping the people who've asked for help and that it's better to give than to receive.

samon

It wasn't really that I wanted help from the "church".  These were my "moms group" friends that happen to be members of my church.  None of the other people have asked for help either.  It's just the same two or three moms that just take it upon themselves to ask the rest of us in our group to chip in for a meal.  That's what makes it hard to swallow.  These are suppose to be my friends.  Friends that I have not just at church, but outside of church.  Our kids are friends, etc. etc.  I didn't ask for help from any of my neighbors and all of them were very thoughful.  I understand that its better to give then receive and that's why I offer to help when the mom that is organizing this calls, but it still hurts that no one thought to even call me when I could have used help. 

auroravtj

WOW!!!. If I did not know better I would think I had written that note!!! It sounds just like here where I live and how it works for some at my church. Don't get me wrong. There are some women in our church that are so special. also there some of them that  just don't understand the depth of what going through every thing you have gone through can do to you mentaly and physicaly. My own sister that goes to my church and is totally involved with different minestres did not even come over or help with any thing after my mastectomy.(She lives 10 min. from my house!) Its hard to get past all that. I go to church and am the last one in and the first one out. I try to focus on why I'm there and not on everyone around me.There are 4 close friends that go to my church that really helped. They are my age and we are very close. My mother(and best friend) passed away from bc in 2002 and she was the sweetest christan woman I have ever seen. those ladies have no idea what you have gone through and the daliy thoughts that bring you down. But if any of them gets bc  she will have her eyes opened and you will be the first person they will turn to. There is one elderly lady that goes to my church and she is a spitfire. I love her dearly. She had bc, mastectomy and reconstuction.When she found out about me she was so sweet and helped me out in ways only someone who has gone through the same thing can help.I try to focus on the positive pepole and (maybe sad to say) I dont get the calls I use to for meals and other"help" projects. So much goes into a church family. I tell myself church is a place for sinners, not perfect people.(Thank goodness!! or I could'nt go) Sorry for going on and on but your post hite home!!   Janet

roseg

If you feel like you've reached your limit on this kind of thing then decline. I have been known to draw limits like -people I don't know, causes I'm not keen on.... Don't worry about what reason you give. A simple, "sorry I can't" is enough. Then you won't be lying about being too busy, which is an excuse I think we all dislike.

It's probably better to pass than to say yes and be unhappy about it.

It may kind of seperate you from the ringleader organizers, but always doing their bidding isn't making you feel very good either.

NoH8

I don't look at helping as a quid pro quo. I never except others to help me. If I need help I ask for it, but I don't expect people to read my mind. I help if I want to and if I can, but not as a payback or a pay forward for when I might need something. Holding onto the bitterness for some perceived slight isn't going to help you more past it.  Rose has a good answer if you don't want to do something. You're not obligated to help if you don't want to.

Binney4

Hi, samon,

Just wanted to say, I hear you. It's so disappointing when this happens. I've made lots of excuses for people like that myself: they just don't understand because they've never been through it; or, they're so afraid of the big "C" that they're paralyzed; or, it's my own fault because I didn't tell them what I needed.

Baloney! You and I and everyone knows how to care for another -- we don't have to be in their shoes to empathize. Frankly, they dropped the ball. And now they're acting like they never did anything wrong. Of course it's hurtful and maddening!

The only question that remains is, what are you going to do about it? Here are some choices that come to mind:

Seethe about it but say nothing and keep up the relationship as best you can, even though you no longer respect them.

Leave them and find a new church and new friends (note: it's very likely the new group will have the same problem, because it's a very common one).

Try to forgive them, but still feel hurt all over again every time they call (which no one could help doing!)

Arrange a time to discuss with all of them new ways to help EVERYONE who needs care, even the scary ones. Tell them gently that people who seem private about their problems need their care as much as the ones who are wailing out loud. Rather than accusing, tell them what you've learned from your journey, and how important it is to meet the needs that aren't spoken, as well as the ones that are. Use some of rose's good ideas to spark their creativity about how to respond next time (I like the refrig stocked with take-it-when-you-need-it meals!) Since it's a church group, use Scripture to urge them forward toward facing off with their own fears as they take charge of reaching out. If you pastor/priest is any good at this, ask him/her to join you in speaking about ways to help. Be prepared to take over organizing the caring part of your mom's group, and then make sure every hurting member is treated to the support you know you needed.

They don't need to be excused, but they do need to be forgiven and brought up to speed. The perfect "teaching moment!" Together, you can all make sure this never happens to another mom.

Prayers for ears that hear and hands that reach out willingly!
Binney

cmb35

Samon,

First of all, I hope this site did what it is intended to do - allowed you to vent and made you feel better. Frequently, I find that just being able to come here and freely complain makes me feel better 90% of the time!

That being said, you've gotten great advice here. I always like to assume ignorance rather than malice. I do think it's hard for folks to know what to do, particularly if they're not "in the club." I think Binney's suggestion is a great one. I'll bet there are lots of folks that think, "keep it private", equals don't mention it and don't do anything to draw attention to it. You'd be doing a great service to your community/church by leading the charge so to speak (and that might end up making you feel better, not worse, which is always a good thing!)

cmb35

Madalyn, I wondered that same thing too...

roseg

I too have some confusion about the group of friends.

After reading the second post I decided it wasn't the group of friends who were Samon's mother's friends, but more like a playgroup-of-Moms that she knew through/because of her children. 

Possesive puncuation is a shortcoming of mine.  

The reason I think that is that if my mother lived near me and was helping me out her friends would be right there with food no question. I think as you get older that you come through more reliably because of your prior life experiences. Some of the best food things I've gotten have been from older ladies who clearly made the cake, saved out a couple of slices for themselves and brought the rest over for me (yum, yum).

lvtwoqlt

boy, do I feel the same way. I am the wife of a long haul trucker and when I had my surgery in 07 I was by myself during the week. My mom and sister helped take care of me after my surgery, they made sure that I had hot meals, food to cook and a way to go to the doctor for follow-up appointments. A few ladies at church did make me a meal or two the first week I was home from the hospital. It would have been nice if more women would have offered to bring food in to me. A couple of months ago one of the other women at church (who is a widow) had foot surgery and was to stay off her foot, the ladies group arranged different families to make and take food for her every day of the week for at least 3 weeks while she was out of work. She protested that she didn't need the help but the leader of the group insisted that they carry in a meal to her every day. It was like a slap in the face, why didn't they offer to bring in meals to me? I was very open about when my surgery was to take place and how long I would be out of work (5-6 weeks). We (my mother, sister, and I) all attend the same church and it seems that some families get preferencial treatment if there is an ailment in the household. They did the same thing (ignored) when my father had hip replacement surgery 2 yrs ago with complications.

samon

Hi All,

Thanks for all your advice and comments.  I guess maybe I do need to clear up what I was trying to say.  The moms were my group of friends.  It was a play group for our kids and we would all get together and visit while our kids would play.  And no, my mom did not turn down any help.  We did discuss this already.  She had a lot on her hands helping me with a 15 month old and seven year old for six weeks while my hubby was at work.  She is not very young and can't walk well so it was a lot of work for her.  And actually, her (my mom's) friends were very nice and sent cards and flowers and one or two offered to come and help if there were any days my mom couldn't. 

I do like all your suggestions and what I have been doing is trying to forgive and forget.  It's just hard every time they call for chipping in to help for another person.  I do like to help, but I just get hurt that they didn't feel the need to offer any help for me.

hooptiedoo

Samon, may I make just one more suggestion?

 The next time someone from the moms' group calls, say (in a very sweet and sincere way) "Oh, yes, I'll be glad to help. I know how much it meant to me when my mom helped out after I had cancer surgery." Then stop talking.

 That would get your point across without any confrontation, and every word is true, isn't it? Keep a list of who you've said it to so that eventually every one of them gets the message. After you've said it to all of them, let it go.

 I don't blame you for being hurt. Sometimes friends and even family let us down when we need them the most. I think you need to do something to make the hurt go away, and the only way you can do that is say something to them.

 Hooptiedoo

Anonymous

Well, Hooptie has a good suggestion but I think you could take that and go further:

"Yes, I'd be happy to help. My mom was the only one who helped me and that was hard for her and for me to see her so tired. I wish we'd thought to ask for help or had someone organize this for us"  and then be quiet.

----

cmb said: 

First of all, I hope this site did what it is intended to do - allowed you to vent and made you feel better. Frequently, I find that just being able to come here and freely complain makes me feel better 90% of the time!  

I agree, I am glad no one has come in and made you feel bad about your feelings! We all have our personal feelings and hurt ones, too ... I am glad everyone is helping you validate your feelings and find a way to deal with it.

When I was dealing with the mast and chemo, I was asked if I needed help ... and I am single so I don't eat much ... it's easy to fix food for me and my dd.... I did always say to invite my daughter to play.  And that's what my friends did.  When I had chemo days my family was there: mom, sister or cousin.  On Herceptin days, my dad came to take care of dd and drive me.  My dd had play dates and the few times my dad didn't come for treatment day, my dd would stay over with a friend and they'd feed her before dropping her off before bedtime. 

Everyone has different needs when going thru chemo.  This might help you to discuss this with your friends ... just because someone doesn't ask doesn't mean they don't need help.

 ------------

Another note:  When people have a baby, everyone wants to come see it and so it's easy to get a volunteer to bring a meal ... Having cancer, they don't know what to say.  Thankfully, some of my girlfriends brought a bottle of champagne and chocolate after my mast and we celebrated getting the beast out and being cancer free!! 

Anonymous

I can really relate to this, too. I think whenever there are groups of people, it is inevitable that someone feels slighted and gets their feelings hurt.

I went to a very small church when I lived at Va Beach (about 10 -12 families). There were lots of times when I felt slighted. I was the only divorced person in the church and one year they had a Valentine's Dinner - couples only. That meant everyone could go, but me. Another year they had a birthday party for a girl whose birthday was one day before mine. They did nothing at all for mine, not even a mention of it. That really hurt my feelings, because the other girl had a husband, children, parents, lots of people around to celebrate with her and I was in the area with just my two kids. Again, I felt really bad. However, I do understand that unless every person in the church did everything together all the time, people were going to feel left out at times.

When I had BC, I was living alone. I had a son that checked on me frequently and would have done anything I asked. I had three different friends who came from out of town and stayed with me after surgeries. But there were long months of treatments spent feeling very isolated. It would have been very nice if someone would have arranged something for me. There is a website where you can set it up to help someone and have people go there and sign up for what they want to do to help. Someone may remember the name of it. That would be a great resource for churches or other groups.

I know there were people who would have liked to help me, but didn't know what to do. I'm just not the type to ask for help.

I think at some point I began to remember the things people did do for me. I hope any way I have ever been slighted will ultimately make me a better friend to others. I know how hard it is to get past these feelings, but I think you'll get past them in time. I think almost everyone feels like this sometimes....

Hugs!

Miss S

iodine

What a terriffic idea!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I found it, here's the link:

 http://www.carecalendar.org/

Anonymous

thanks, Dotti!