Venting re:closets

TorchSong

I don't know if this will ring any chimes out there, but one of my biggest difficulties right now is that my partner is not out at her work--cannot be out. If she came out, she would lose her job--and she is only 3 years from retirement, and is trying to hang in there for the retirement pay.

The thing is, that she cannot share this huge stress in her life--that I, her partner, have BC. She's been able to take a few days of leave to be with me for the major things, like the surgery and the first visit to the onc and first chemo...but the ongoing stress of not being able to explain why she's stressed, or why she would like to take more time off--let alone get much support. She does have some friends at work to whom she is out, but not her supervisors, of course. 

I'm finding ti harder and harder to deal with. It was hard enough before my dx, but it's gotten more difficult, and I can only see it grtting more so.  I knew she had to be in the closet because of her career when we met, but of course I had no idea this would be happening!

I'm not upset with her, please understand that. She had very good reasons for choosing this work and she's good at it--it just sucks that she had to go back into the closet for it. I guess I'm upset because I have a basis of comparison--I was in a heterosexual marriage with someone in the same career, and I know that if I were still married to him with this dx, we would be showered with attention and care and support from co-workers, he'd be given all the time off he needed, no questions. 

There's not really anything to be done--policies need to be changed, and I can't do a thing about that. 

I just hate to see her lacking the support and understanding from her co-workers that she deserves right now--she does so much for me, and I try to support her, but she needs the support of her co-workers and she can't get it. 

And, in a purely selfish vein, I would really like for her to be able to be there for most, if not all, my chemo treatments and there's no way she can do that. 

 Has anyone else dealt with this? Having to deal with BC or other serious illness with one partner in the closet? How do I do this?

NoH8

I haven't had to deal with it. I've been pretty out for a while, but even when I wasn't out I never his my orientation; I can't imagine being in a job where I would lose my job for being gay so it's hard for me to put myself in her place. Can she say that her sister has breast cancer or that the person she's living with has cancer and leave your gender out of the scenario?  I know you don't want to put any more pressure on her than she already has, but have you talked about this with her?

I'm sorry you have to deal with this.

justanna

What kind of field is she in?  Would it even be legal for her employer to fire her if she came out?  I realize there are ways to get around laws, especially during this economy, and filing a lawsuit against them would be even more stressful.  But I would be really surprised if her supervisors don't already know she's gay.

Whenever my wife and I feel potentially discriminated against or unsafe, we use the words "my really good friend."  It's not dishonest, because we are really good friends, but it keeps the creeps from thinking about or judging what we do in bed.  I can't think of an employer who wouldn't let someone take time off to be there for a friend; definitely no one I'd want to work for.

I am really sorry you have to put up with this shit along with bc.  It should be a non-issue.  I'm thrilled about the results of the presidential election but think we were sort of not paying attention on a lot of our gay rights.  I hope everyone is giving money or protesting like we are.

 Anna

TorchSong

She's in the US military. So, yes, it is unfortinately, prefectly legal. I so hope and pray President Obama is able to get DADT repealed...

And you're right, her bosses (at least one of them) is as sure as he can be--but because of DADT, if he knows for sure then he has to begin the process of getting her out, and he doesn't want to do that. She's good at what she does, and he wants her to stay...so he doesn't want to know.

She has used the "really dear friend" description, but how many times would a dear friend, even, ask a person to be there for something?

I'm personally as out as it is possible to be without wearing a sign on my head--part of my job. We don't live together...semi-long-distance (about an hour apart), and this is a very high-population area, so she's pretty much in the closet just at work. Until now, that's been workable (not fun, but workable), but now it's harder.

i guess what I would like is for her to be getting more support from her friends on base to whom she is out--just for her to get a call from someone checking on her, or taking her to lunch so she can vent, that sort of thing. She's very independent and won't ask. What I need to do (i think i just answered my own question) is to call one or two of them and say, please give her some support...

yes, it sucks, but that's the USA we live in right now!

thanks to you both for responding!

NoH8

torch- there are all kinds of petitions in the works to repeal DADT in anticipation of Obama's promised repeal so that this happens ASAP after inauguration. I think your idea of talking to her friends might be a good one, even if you don't suggest that she needs support, you can just let them know what's going on with you.