advice on helping a future mother-in-law

jacd

my fiance's mother, linda, is currently battling breast cancer which in the past few months has become very aggressive.  it has metastasized to outside the lung, and her most recent pet scan  revealed that it has spread to the bone.  my fiance is in grad school 8 hours away, and i live fairly close to linda so have made it over to visit it with her as time permits. 

my question is, is there a way to show her that i am thinking of her and would like to be supportive to her, without being overbearing?  i feel like sometimes when i ask to visit she says yes to be nice, even if she is not feeling up to it or won't admit to the amount of pain she's in.  any suggestions on how to handle this would be extremely helpful.

thank you, jane

tiniedeeni

Hi Jane-

 I am almost in the same boat as you. I am so sorry to hear about your fiance's mother...my boyfriend of 5 years' mother is in a very similar situation, and I am completely unsure of what to do, and especially how to support my boyfriend. do you have any ideas?

 I send my boyfriend's mother cards almost weekly, as she really enjoys getting cards. I would send her cards, and maybe just stop in with a cup of tea or a snack or something? that way if she's not there/doesn't want visitors, you can drop it off and she can enjoy it later.

karen1956

I loved getting cards when going thru Tx and in fact I kept them all.  Emails are nice to - that is if the person likes/has access to a computer.

When you visit, bring a snack or meal that she can enjoy. Help record a message on her voice mail with a brief  update (check with her first if she would like this and what she wants to say - so as to not give out to much info) so that she is not expected to return calls, but can listen to messages when she is up to it.

Offer to help clean her house, take her to the grocery store or do the shopping for her, take her out for coffee/lunch is she is up to it. Get her something to wear that will be comfy and make her feel pretty.  If she likes music, burn a CD with her favorite music.  Magazines and/or books to read - even if they are checked out from the library. 

Tini - you are already supporting boyfriend by sending his mother cards.  Be there for boyfriend - just sit with him...listen if he wants to talk...

iwillbeok

Jane,

  Sending a card is great, I have really enjoyed the cards that have a picture of a animal,  view, or just a silly girlfriend card. they make me want to get outside instead of the ones that are, get well, they tend to remind me I have cancer. Also a little present in the mail, you can go to the post office once and get three or four things post marked(as long as they weigh under a pound)

and then drop them in the mail once a week. Some tea, nice hand lotion, a magazine People or something that has short articles, a "little" bag of nuts or M&M's just by letting her know you are there will make her feel better.

Sandra  

live_laugh_love

Jane,

I'm in the same situation as you. My mother in law has triple negative cancer stage 4. She is a very independent woman, and won't tell us if she is in pain or not most of the time. I have just started calling her randomly to see how she is that day. I have made meals that can be frozen and divided them up into portions so she can warm them up when she desires. I have also found if I call her when I'm already going to the store; she is more willing to tell me if she needs something because I'm not making a special trip for her. I have also just went to house and done chores around there. I know she won't ask for the help so I just do it without her asking. She can't agrue if its already done. God Bless, and I wish your family all the best!