dating-when to tell

LCISgirl

Hi ladies~

 I've enjoyed all of your topics and advice~thanks for sharing!! I was searching for any advice about when (if) to tell about BC dx etc. when meeting and dating someone new (or old for that matter!)

 I've done a little of the online thing~but have not met anyone yet.  My timing was off because I connected with a few (online) right before having a hysterectomy. I was chatting with someone very interesting who said "We can meet once you've recovered and use the time in between to email and chat so that we can learn more about each other" - Doesn't that sound great? But, when I shared the brush with BC, He then emailed to say he met someone else who clicked. Mind you, I only felt comfortable telling him about the BC because he mentioned his mother had just finished chemo for BC and was finally doing well!! After all of that...it kind of made me rethink the timing of mentioning BC to men!!  I'm glad to know that he met someone who "clicked" - but not sure if I trust that the BC dx didn't scare him away....why couldn't he still meet me if he was interested? At least he had the kindness to respond.  I know some men would have just never replied, leaving me to wonder.

 Any thoughts, tips on this?  I'm one of those "too open for my own good" kind of gals....maybe I need lessons on how to keep things private!!  On the other hand, I want to know that whovever I'm getting close to, knows the truth and can handle it!!!! Are there any men out there who can handle it??  (I know there are some, because some of you have found them...but where??)  

 BTW~just had nips reconstructed yesterday (can't tell yet what the outcome is).....but, I'm looking forward to moving beyond all this!!

 Thanks in advance for any advice!!!!!  

Anonymous

Hey LCISgirl! Welcome to the Singles corner! We have definitely discussed the "when to tell" issue here and there and I think that most of us have formed our own individual rules on that. I, for one, tell men about my bc whenever it first seems appropriate to the conversation and relationship. Since my cancer journey has so strongly shaped who I am today and, also, since I'm so involved in cancer "causes" from the Komen Foundation to forming a local Team Survivor to my involvement here on bc.org, it's usually a topic that arises quickly. And since I don't want to even know a man who has a problem with my having had bc, it works out well. So far, most men appear completely unfazed, although its possible that some who never followed up on our dates had a problem with it. Since I have had other issues with these guys, that's fine. And as for your guy who found his click-chick, he probably just did that...found someone he's very interested in pursuing. It happens all the time and since so many of us have so little time, one pursuit at a time is usually all we can handle. I know I've tried to juggle several "potentials" at once and it made me nuts (plus, I kept mixing up their names  !).

So I encourage you to have a great deal of hope and persistence. Try not to take most of it personally and see it as an adventure that YOU are on....trying to find some fun, lovable men to communicate and hangout with. And if its "love" you're after, then don't give up. There are really some very, very decent, kind, loving men out there! Of course, they're hidden among the sheer number of creeps, bores, lunatics and egomaniacs, but they ARE there! Believe me, if I can have sorted through the assembly line of psychos I've dated (many about whom I've whined right here on this forum!) and still find the most amazingly kind, interesting, attractive, hot guy there is (for me), ANYONE can! Seriously, before P. I felt as though I was a real loser magnet! Now I feel like the luckiest woman in the world!

Good luck, sweetie. And come hang out here...we have lots to share besides bc and men stuff!

~Marin

LCISgirl

Thanks Marin for your reply.....I've enjoyed reading of your escapades!!!   It is encouraging that you've found someone like P who is a "winner" for you!!!  I will keep plugging away!!  At least I know that the women here understand and can relate whenever a RANT is coming on!!!

 I understand about mixing up the names!!  I can't seem to remember my own lately!!!

sbmolee

LCISgirl - I have found it better to tell soon so if they plan to bail...you have less attachment.  If they can't handle BC - then do you really want them in your life?  Could be just a coincidence that he found someone else - probably emailing several women at the same time but if not - better off being honest and knowing early that HE has issues. 

Jaybird627

Hmmm. Well, I don't 'tell' right away, if at all. The few men that do know know because they were in my life during my dx/tx. The men I meet now, don't know. I have scars and a pink ribbon tattoo but none have asked and I haven't offered as it isn't 'obvious' that I've had BC.

If I ever do find someone who is 'relationship material' and we're exclusive I will tell him before any type of commitment is made. I'm just not big on sharing intimate details of my life with people I don't know.

my3girls

LCISgirl...I am very much like you...an open book! But that is me. For me, I struggled with when to tell. I did the online dating for about 1 month, and I went out with one guy, told him on our first date, he didn't seem to be phased by it...but we didn't click..at least I was not interested.  Then I met another guy online, and we emailed back and forth, talked on the phone and there was this instant connection.  I told him I had something I wanted to tell him, but I wanted to do it in person.  We made plans for our first date, and one day he called in the morning, we were talking and he asked what my plans were for the day...I told him I had a doctors appt.  He said .."oh where?" (and he meant where was my doctor) I answered very matter of factly..and said to my oncologist.  As soon as I said it...I knew I goofed. He didn't say a word. Then after my appt, he called to see how things went.  Then he mentioned my blooper, and he said, if you want to wait until we meet that is fine.  I figured what the heck...cat is out of the bag now.  I told him everything, we talked for a long time...he knew I had a mastectomy, but I had not told him that I had reconstruction yet.  Then he said, "well, I feel honored that you opened up and shared such intimate things with me.  If you think because of all of that, that I don't want to meet you..you are wrong..it makes me want to meet you even more"!! I was blown away!!  Then later I told him I was reconstructed.  He thinks all of my many scars are signs of a very strong woman!! It has been 4 months and we are exclusive and I love everything about him!! He is so good to me!

So...there are great guys out there...that see you for YOU...I hope you find him!! Good luck!

Lisa

LCISgirl

Thank you for your perspectives ladies ~

 I'm glad to hear that you found such a great guy Lisa!! It does give me hope

 Jaybird~Just wondering if you would tell if anyone if they asked about your tattoo?? It seems that would be an obvious thing, but maybe they think it's in honor of someone else who went thru it?  I understand that some aren't comfortable sharing that intimate issue with others...I kind of wonder if I shouldn't have been a bit less "open" about it all at work too!  But then again, I hope that if anyone else has to deal with it, they know that they can ask me about it.

sbmolee~I feel the same way....I don't want to find out after a lot of time and attachment that the issue of BC would be a deal breaker.  That would hurt!!! 

 Well~I'll keep trying and hopefully I'll have a good story to share

Jaybird627

I'm just a private person I guess as I don't tell everyone I meet that I had BC. I'll only tell if I really need to. I'm not ashamed it's just that I have met SO many people in my lifetime and continually meet new people at and through work that it keep me sane to keep me to me and not have so many bits and pieces of me out there. It makes sense to me if not to anyone else.

As for the tattoo, and scars, so far no one who doesn't know about it hasn't asked and many have seen me from behind!  I usually forget that it's there unless I wear skimpy summer shirts which rarely happens even in summer since I'm usually cold. In the dark the scars aren't very noticable. The last 'new' guy I casually dated knew and we had a long conversation about it (I think it started by him mentioning my tattoo!) but we parted about two weeks later. Both of his parents died of some form of cancer so maybe it was a factor, I don't know as it ended abruptly by him. I don't even "blah, blah, blah" about my daughter to people I don't know even though she is the center of my world. It's just my way.

LCISgirl

Jaybird~I'm beginning to feel the same way as you.  I think part of my concern is that I'm still in the "reconstruction" phase since I just got the nips done last week.  I've had a few online guys wanting to meet....and I guess I'm a bit uncomfortable yet and questioning what to say.  I think its just an indication that I might need to wait a bit on meeting and telling!!!! 

 Thanks for sharing....