Frustrated and disappointed

4thefather

I am trying to make dietary changes to improve my health. I am trying to eat better and help my family to eat better as well. The trouble is that I have an extremely stubborn husband. He refuses to make changes and is always complaining when I do. I can't believe that after his wife has been diagnosed with breast cancer and is still going through chemo that he would complain. He complained about changes I made before all of this happened, but I am totally shocked that after all of this he is still the same way. It hurts.

Cathie

wishiwere

Men are funny creatures when it comes to their tummy's, that's for sure.  My own is a type II diabetic and it wasn't till I told him I wouldn't be his legs or push his wheelchair when he lost his legs in 10 years, or be his eyes when he be/c blind and could no longer see his grandchildren's reactions to him.  Finally he has started to take some 'responsibility' for his own health.  In your situation it's a little different, b/c you have family (kids), but in that situation, I'd continue to improve the family diet and let him do as he pleases with his. IT's hard to do that I know, but eventually you get to the point where you need to do for you and the kids and allow them (dh) to choose their own path with their own health.  We aren't their mothers, but partners. We can try to educate and inform, but can't coddle in this. It's too important as you know.

There are couple things I did before he knew it way back 20 years ago.  I started making 1/2 and 1/2 coffee from a cansiter of decaf and regular.  Now we buy 1/2 and 1/2 and decaf both.  I quit buying sugar and use splenda or applesause for baking, rather than sugar and /or oils often.  I do NOT buy salt, but Nosalt.  He's doing fine with that now.  I use a lot more herbs now to cook rather than salt and it actually tastes better.  Some things he'll just have to get used to or make a trip to the grocer...ha!  Most men will suffer through than do that though!

Good Luck and {{hugs}} I know how difficult it is.

1Cathi

Cathie - 

I to did some of the same things D tried -  I put low fat mayo in the reqular empty jar -  no sugar jams etc.  I just stopped buying white breads and went to wheats.  But I will say my hubby has supported all of my major dietary changes -  he is actually the one who started me on the fresh juices (I hate veggies) . 

But as D said men are dif when it comes to eating habits - "healthy" and "diet" are words that weird them out.  You have to take care of you and your children.  If you want chicken and he wants steak so be it-  my honey still enjoys his red meat and I just cook a veggie burger and we dine together. 

I do hope though he will learn to support your decisions as that does mean alot. Good luck to you.

4thefather

It has always been a struggle throughout our 12 years of marriage about any change I make, no matter how slight. I made spaghetti without meat in the sauce a few weeks ago and he whined through the entire meal. What kind of message does that send to our young kids? My two oldest (8 and 10) are very much into health themselves, so they don't mind the changes and are more open to them. My 5 year old son has as bad a diet as my husband and also whines over changes. I told him last night that cancer has really changed me and I was shocked it didn't change him, at least not in a permanent way. He argued with me about food before all of this and he is still doing it. I am still going through chemo and he is arguing. Last night he was miffed because I bought brown rice instead of white. Come on!! What is more important in life, having your wife and family healthy or the color of rice???

Cathie

lisa-e

I grew up in a household where the rule was "eat it and shut up about it, or don't eat it and shut up about it." Does your husband do any of the cooking? If not, I would cook what you want and ignore any complaints.

1Cathi

Cathie  -you sure have your hands full - SORRY. Not being supported on any changes I am sure can be frustrating. 

I am with Lisa - cook it -if they are hungry they will eat it  -or they will cook their own. 

Alot of alterations can be made to meals without "ruining them" - there is a thread on this site "healthy eating" with lots of good recepies. 

Yu can put chicken in Spaghetti - quite yummy.  I am not a total "HEALTH NUT" but I do eat as well as I can - infact I started that several years before the whole CA thing  as I needed to loose about 75 pounds - when I gave up all the crap food back then I was married to pure idiot (20+ yrs) who was completely non supportive in anything. He alsway made comment to my weight gain over our years and never supported my changes when I decided to start - anyway it took me about a year I actually losy about 345lps -  the original 75 on my body and I finally got smart and dumped his FAT A as well -LOL.

Now I am not telling you to do that - there were many other reasons behind that decision for me. Now I have a price charming - who supports my every move  - even if he does not do (eat) all the same things I do.  Cathie you must put yourself first - GOOD LUCK

LaurelS

Cathie, one thing I am certain about is that God has a sense of humor!  Just think of it, guys peak sexually at age 18, women at 40!  Men are not all that far removed from the beasts.  Give 'em a warm bed, grub, and a woman and they are good.

Seriously, if we are honest most of us marry our mirror opposite.  I embrace change; my husband loathes change in any form!  With him I have found that introducing small changes, just slipping them in, works better than announcing, "hear ye, hear ye, a new wind blows..."  Instantly my husband will dig in his heels and become stubborn if he thinks the breeze is blowing in a new direction.  During chemo I ate whatever I could manage.  We did agree to purchase organic whenever possible.  That was a financial commitment, but our diet changed slowly as we sought healthier foods.  My husband is 1/2 Japanese and hates brown rice.  I mix brown and white rice together, and very slowly I am easing the ratio from 50/50 to a greater portion being the brown variety.  I did this with spaghetti, too.  I slowly introduced whole wheat pasta into the standard semolina pasta.  I didn't even try to do a 50/50 ratio, but rather worked up to that.  Now we eat only the wheat pasta.  

I purchase less junk food, and try to use organic items.  Again, we made our changes slowly.  It's like cooking at lobster.  Put him in cold water and turn on the gas! 

If you see it as an experiment, or a game, you will be less frustrated.  Chemo is terribly hard, and absolutely wretched, so just get to the finish line.  Battles are for later when you are better equipped mentally, physically, and emotionally.

Hang in there, Cathie, believe it or not the sun does come out again....tomorrow!

spar2

Gosh what a dilema, I would cook a meal and if he don't like it, he can fix his own and have some cereal, or ramen noodles or a sandwhich.  He needs to count his blessings he has food a lot of people don't.  Wishing you the best.

roseg

I agree - cook a good meal and if they chose not to eat it then it's their problem. A lot of times meat and other fats add flavor to meals. So be sure that you season what you put out. It could be that they're griping because they don't taste enough.

There are nice things you can do, like put meat to the side and let them have some. Have extra bread out. Don't salt while you cook, let them salt at the table.

 Men do get hungier than women. Portion-wise they may need more. But it doesn't need to be something high-fat.

In these tight times you are on solid ground cutting down junk food and other procssed items. 

4thefather

Thanks everyone! I talked to my MIL today. We never used to get along before all of this. She had rectal cancer last year, and we have really bonded through this. She takes me every other week to my chemo. She agreed that her son (my husband) needs to change his habits. I will ease him into it and not give up. In the past, I would just give up and go back to the unhealthy version.

Cathie

1Cathi

Cathie- 

I wish you so much luck with all this -  I am not sure how old your children are, the younger the easier for sure,  I think if the healthy eating is still fun for them (and kids too think "healthy food is all crap) you won't have 2 much of an issue -

Rice Cakes instead of chips  -even popcorn is better.

Just take is slow and MUCH MUCH LUCK TO YOU. 

It is nice your MIL is supporting you.