Mom Has Stage IV Breast Cancer

MyUSMCFamily

My mom was told she has stage IV cancer last spring with localized tumors in her right breast and skin and chest wall. They confirmed it is in her bone this summer. She started hormone therapy right away and then started a very strict estrogen limiting diet along with many herbal and mineral supliments.  Things were looking good and her tumer markers were lowering bit by bit.  She just went to see her onc last week and there is now a small tumor in one of her lympnodes and one of her larger tumors has grown 3cm in 3 weeks.  After being told this and her onc again begging her to start chimo, she is waiting 3 more weeks to make a decision.
She is only 52 and is very health in every other way.  I just dont understand why she is putting it off.  She did well on chimo the first time she had cancer other than one two week period and they would be giving her a different set this time around so I am trying so hard to understand why she is not willing to try.  They have told her she could live for quite a long time if they can get it under control and I feel like she is avoiding making a decision of any kind. 
My husband is a Marine who is gearing up to deploy again and we live on the other side of the country.  I need to be here with our kids for the small amounts of time he is home so we can spend time with him before he leaves. But that means that I can not be there to talk to her onc or her nutritional therapist to get a better understanding of what is going on.  I feel like my mom is not telling me everything and I dont know how to help her make the right decision for her.  If she has no desire to fight this beyond what is painless then I will respect that decision, but I feel like she is avoiding the emotional aspect of deciding either way.  If that is so then if she finally makes the decision to fight, it may be to late. 
I am so frustrated,  I want her there to see her grandkids grow up and to see my baby sister graduate from college and start a life of her own, see her sons marry and start their lives and all the other things that she can have if she would just choose to try chemo, even for a little while.
We all know it's not going away and at some point it will take her from us. 
I know all I can do is pray, and I do, over and over.  If she would just listen to what he is saying.

I hate feeling so helpless in all of this and I feel guilty for being so angry with her.  She has never been able to make a decision and meet adversity head on, but this time I feel like if she doesnt it is going to take her life.  How do I encourage her to face this decision with some sort of strenght and still be supporting her with compassion?

nadinepouw

First of all, let me start by saying that I feel for you and your family a lot. Unfortunately we all know what you have to be going through.

As a daughter of a mum with BC I know how helpless you can fee. There's nothing you can do and that feels awful.

Also with my mum I had a hard time in the beginning about the way she was dealing with her disease. But a very good friend of mine told me that whatever my mum did it was her way of dealing with the situation and that I had to respect it no matter what. So that's what I did (even when it was very difficult).

It sounds your mum is not ready yet to make any decision at all, so you have to give her time. This is such an important decision that she really has to make it herself. What if you would persuade her to do chemo now and she would die of complications (which is unlikely of course but just to make a very strong example), you would probably never forgive yourself. It MUST be her choice how she wants to face her challenge. If that takes a lot of time, I understand you feel bad because you feel she doesn't have the time to wait long. But let her. Not only to prevent yourself from feeling guilty if something would go "wrong", but also because it is the respect she deserves. I hope that you will have someone, a good friend or someone else, to help you deal with your fears in this situation. This will help you accept that it is your mum who takes decisions whenever she feels right, no matter how scary that is for you.

I hope you and your mum will find the strength to deal with all of this.

Regards, Nadine