ILC diagnosis

ittybittyme

Hello everyone! I am new to this site and looking for support. I was diagnosed w/ ILC 2.6 cm her2+ stage IIB left breast May 2008. Began Chemo July 2008 (Cytoxan/Adriamycin 1st round and currently on Taxotere). Any helpful hints to get through the nausea and weakness? I also need advice on handling financial worries (my husband thinks playing world of warcraft is more important than providing an income-its his way of coping I guess) and I just feel overwhelmed and lost. How do I help him when I can barely care for myself? I just want him to get us through the treatments until I can go back to driving my semi again, but I cant seem to motivate him. He plays on the computer from 10 am to 4 am, mostly ignores me unless I demand something, and I find myself not getting enough sleep and having excess worry. Any suggestions on opening a conversation with him to motivate caring for his family more than his game is appreciated. How do you compete with a game for his attention when your trying not to puke?

priz47

Some men do not know how to cope and they do the best they can. My DH is pretending everything is done and I am fine. I was hoping the hair loss would wake him up. I am not sure what to tell you, but i wish you luck. This is not aneasy road, but you will make it through.

D

Seabee

Avoidance is a defense mechanism.  Your husband is probably more upset than he seems.  My husband went with me to the doctor, but wouldn't spend any time with me during my overnight stay in the hospsital.  It was too disturbing for him, I think.

It sounds like you both could benefit from a few sessions with a good counselor. He will probably resist the idea at first, but this can be very helpful. The counselor ideally acts as an unbiased third party, and it sounds like anything that would require his attention might be an improvement.

ittybittyme

Thank you both for your kind words. My hair loss had no effect either, nor my eyebrows and eyelashes which are coming out now. Unfortuanately (I think...lol) I look very healthy otherwise. He thinks after treatment I'll be all better and life will return to the way it was. It will never be the same, not to say I'm all doom and gloom I still enjoy life when I feel good. I will look into counceling, he may be open to it, he's seen a councelor b4 for another family crisis we had and it may help. Crazy as it sounds I still have to shave my legs-is there no justice? (dang that murphy guy!) Best wishes on your journeys to health.

Seabee

Well, if he's agreed to counseling before and it helped, that's a good sign, and I see you haven't lost your sense of humor, which is also a good sign. It helps me keep things in perspective.

.

LindaLou53

Hi ittybittyme!  Sorry to hear what you are going thru and the concerns about your husband's difficulty providing the support you need.  I agree with others that sometimes avoidance is a coping mechanism when stress becomes more than can be handled.  But I also want to mention that computer gaming especially on a MMORPG (Massively Multiplayer Online Role Play Game) which WOW is, can become just as addicting and destructive to a relationship as drugs or alcohol.  If he is playing daily from 10am - 4am instead of contributing to the family both emotionally and financially during these hard times, there is a serious problem.

As much as your husband may truly love and worry about you and want to support you, gaming addiction can be very hard to break without professional help.  A person can lose all sense of perspective and feel the need for the game just like a drug addict needs a fix. I suspect that gaming was a big part of your husband's life even before your BC diagnosis?  Counseling definitely sounds like a good idea and I would not put it off for long.  You need to know that you have your husband's attention and support during your treatments.  Even without the BC diagnosis, I suspect you want more from your relationship with your husband than watch him sit in front of the computer screen all day.

I don't want to sound harsh but I speak with experience.  And no it was not my husband who was a gamer..but it was me.  After my first BC diagnosis in 2000 a friend gave me my first computer role play game while I was going thru chemo, I started playing out of boredom and not feeling well enough to do my usual activities and I got hooked.  I played obsessively for 6 years, even though I was still working full-time. The game would take away from my time at home and thus from my husband and friends.  I let things go at the house and found my social circle shrinking. On some level I suppose the game initially was a way for me to distract myself and cope with my treatments, but it eventually took on a life all its own. 

I consider myself to be an intelligent woman and recognized the damaging effect playing the game was having on my life and yet I could not break the habit.  Not even my second diagnosis of cancer in 2005 could stop me playing.  Only when my mother became severely ill did I find the strength to push away from the game.  I spent the last year and a half with her in and out of the hospital, helping my father and visiting her in the nursing home. My mother passed away this January.  I am so grateful for the wonderful times I was able to share with her and the memories we created that will always be with me.

I certainly do not want to add to your stress, but I do think the warning signs are there regarding your husband's game play. It may be time for a heart to heart talk about what you need from your relationship and how his game play is putting an additional stress on an already difficult time.  Counseling could be helpful on many levels for both of you.

I really do wish the very best for you and your husband. Forgive me if I have stepped out of bounds.

LindaLou

ittybittyme

Thank-you Linda and all, you hit it on the head about the addiction. His reply is "at least I dont drink, do drugs or womanize" which I appreciate-believe me. Thank god I have my mother, great friends, my brother and my aunt to help me keep my humor and things in perspective. They are angry with him , too, but I don't want them to intervene and cause resentment for my husband. The financial end of it is what has me frazzled. I was making really good money driving truck and I think the pressure of being suddenly thrust from homemaker to breadwinner has been quite a stress on him. How do you find a good councelor and what do you look for? I prefer to talk to men because they r do'ers and fixer's, he prefers women cause they tend to be more sypathetic- I don't need sympathy I need perspective. My dad died 2 years ago and he was my rock and fixer mom is my sympathy and always on my side, bless her heart. I am not perfect but I am a do'er and a fixer and I just don't have the strength to help him cope-he's healthy and he wants the "poor me" spotlight-I think. We've been through alot together (our son was killed 2 yrs ago, my dad died that fall and his 15 yr. old daughter is in jouvinile court) now this!I just don't know how much more I can take. Sorry for the ramble. We have all healed as best as you can after all this , but it just seems to be continious trial after trial, I just want a "normal year".