Whose boob is it anyway????

farila_1966

Hi girls,
Here is something for you to help me sort out. I am survivor for more than  a decade now. My hubby made a lot of fuss over my (look at it again..'MY' ) loss of breast when I was dx with Breast cancer. He was of opinion that I made him lose something belonging to him. I told him to take my boob and preserve it when they are going to cut it off me if he loved it so much. Ha ha ha. After total mastectomy I was having problem wearing the traditional Indian sari which highlighted the one boob which was still there. So I started padding up the other side with cotton. I couldn't go for reconstruction due to many reasons and I was not aware of prothesis etc. I was busy trying to do my circus between taking care of two kids (4yrs old son and 1 year old daughter with special needs).

 Once we had been out together (hubby and me) and suddenly he said to me "cover yourself up properly. There is a guy there staring at your breast". Now the funny thing is that guy was not staring at my breast because it wasn't there. He was staring at the cotton pad which he thought was a perfect breast. I always hated the way my hubby made me feel bad about losing one of my breast and did not let go the chance I got to bite him back. I argued that it was just cotton pad that guy was staring at and not something of me. Tomorrow I would be discarding it anyway. But he was of the opinion that if a man stares at something thinking it is my breast then it is like staring at a breast and not a cotton pad and he was acting as though the guy was stealing something that belonged to him. It went on for a long time. I was of opinion that if some man is getting some pleasure by looking at a harmless, useless cotton pad we should not stop him. He held on to his point and me being ME held on to my point LOL. He went red after sometime. He still brings it up often blaming me of doing some stupid show with a cotton pad.  OK...Whose boob is it anyway?????

Anonymous

In my opinion, farila, it is not only undeniably YOUR boob (or foob, whatever may be the case), but it is decidedly NOT an issue that your husband should feel he has any right to even comment upon! Geez. I realize that customs are quite different in India, but basic human rights know no geographical or cultural distinctions and it is your basic right to FULL ownership of your body and all of its parts. If you had been out in public flaunting your body in a flamboyant, obvious way, I could see any man with whom a woman is in an intimate relationship having an issue with it because it might be seen as lack of consideration for his feelings as your partner, but that wasn't your case.

Bottom line is that you are absolutely correct in your claiming ownership of your very self and if your husband can't quit obsessing about the whole thing, I'd say that he should seek therapy because his issues clearly go further than what that one occurence would warrant.

Rock on, chica...it sounds like you have your head on straight and your attitude in balance!

~Marin

roseg

Well, probably your husband should chill out.

It does sound like he cares for you if he's getting all hot under the collar about someone oogling your prosthesis.

I never thought about a Sari being difficult to wear after a mastectomy, but I imagine that it would be prone to sliding around. 

Jaybird627

Farila, it's YOUR boob/foob - but that's the American way of thinking. You have to be and act the way your 'culture' expects you to - or else you're ostracized. It's your choice - you have us behind you all the way, but it's your life that you have to live. I wish you luck.....

farila_1966

Hello everyone. It is nice to read your views on my story.. Yeah for sure it was my boob. Jaybird I am sorry that your advice comes a bit late for me.. I have been a rebellion since my childhood and I am almost ostracized in my society. Cancer is just of the other battles I have been fighting ..

I have been to USA and know that you women there are much ahead of us

Love and hugs

Farila

KAK

Farila, you rock.  You are a real pioneer to have such a great fighting attitude living in your culture & country!  Although, you know how ironic it is for any man in India to carry on like your husband did when India is the country of Indira Gandhi!!

Just read an article about Sonia Gandhi & other women in leadership roles in India; lots going on it sounds like.

Kathi

DragonladyTina

Way to go Farila, I think you look beautiful in your Sari,

Tina

farila_1966

Thanks Tina. If it is the avatar pic you are talking about then it is not a sari there. It is ghagra choli I am wearing standing in front of a church in FL with my two kids.

 Kathi, Indira Gandhi was a very special woman and came from the family of politicians. She was the only daughter of Nehru and so took up from where he left. I admire her a lot and in her days when she was the prime minister of India it was a joke that she was the only man in the cabinet. There are lot of women politicians who are doing a lot in India...but none can be ever compared to Indira Gandhi. But we can never make it a scale for measuring the condition of women in India.. no way. I am counselor by profession (got my diploma after BC) and I come across lot of women who are just so scared even to whimper out in open. Dowry system still prevails. Female child infanticide has still been a pain in neck for Indian govt. In big cities women are being influenced by the liberation movement of the west and change is taking place.. but it will be sometime before it reaches the village. Again it depends on which community the women belong to.

What happened in my life after I went through BC was something very personal. My husband felt he is losing something and he is being targeted and he is the one suffering where as I was the one going though hell. It was his individual world and his own happiness which was disturbed that made him extremely cranky. Anyway my life has changed a lot after BC - some for better and some for worse. My marriage though did not break up has never been back on the right track.

KAK

farila, you are a brave, strong woman.  Not that we have much choice when we are faced with BC.  There are a lot of brave, amazing, generous women on this forum, and I think they are the ones that lately exemplify for me how to get through life.

And believe me, it may seem like women in the States have made lots more strides than women in other countries, but there are still plenty of men & women in this country who seem to think that women & their bodies are the property of men, and that we are not quite full-fledged human beings.  We are a very odd species, I do sometimes think.

Your photos on the Who Is Who thread are just wonderful, by the way.

Kathi

farila_1966

Thanks Kathi. I saw your pics and should say you are wonderful and those furbabies are very cute. Also I visited your website. It is wonderful job you are doing there.. Need to go back and check out everything in detail. I am very busy at the moment with my dad who has undergone hip replacement surgery. He is 80 yrs old and Hodgkins survivor of 16 years.

When I went to USA few things striked me very hard.... and among them was one thing--The status of women. Until I lived in a city in India I could not fully understand the situation in Indian villages. The divorce law in USA is very tough on men compared to many other countries.  I agree that the body of woman is exploited eveywhere but law from the govt has made lot of difference to the lifestyle of women in Europe, USA and some parts of Asia. My children were very astonished to see the man of the house where we stayed cleaning up after dinner, doing dishes etc.  They had never seen something like this so far in their life. My daughter loved the facilities she had when she went out shopping etc. Being a special needs person is not that easy for her over here. The people she met were wonderful with her. She did not even want to come back with me.. and I had to forcefully bring her back. My son who has grown with lot of respect for women and loves his Mom and Sis also felt that USA is way ahead of us in taking care of its senior citizens, special needs people and women.

I believe we are the only full fledged human beings because God trusted only us to bear future generation...

Love and hugs to you

Farila

KAK

Farila, was thinking of you today because of course it is Election Day here in the US & we are probably going to break all records for voter turn-out, which is good.  Everyone should get out & vote when they live in a country where you can vote.

Thanks for sharing your story of your visit here with your kids.  I guess my generation has been effective on improving women's status, although I will admit that it still amazes me when a man volunteers to do the dishes!

Love & hugs right back,

Kathi

farila_1966

Hi Kathi,

            I have been following your elecitons and looks like you are heading for a change. I have never missed any voting in my country since I have been 18.. and look where that has got us LOL.

           I think your generation and the generation before you deserves a big hand from women all over the world because there has been lot of change in those years. When we visited USA we were with some wonderful families and the men were very amazingly good .. Men being from Mars I know if we made effort we could have found some MCPs there too, but my kids have now come back to India thinking all men are like the ones we met there.

           As for India - they say it is unity in diversity. So true. It is a country where people worship goddess like Durga and Kali but at the same time women are burnt alive for not bringing enough dowry. News like 8 month pregnant woman being killed is so hurting. Women like Razia Sultana, Rani Laxmi bai have ruled over men long before women lib came into existance ... but still there were thousands of women in Harems of Nawabs.

         I was born a very independent mischievous child and my parents had trouble keeping me under control. Parents are supposed to make decisions for their daughters here .. and they had a kid on thier hands who only wanted the forbidden apple. Until cancer happened .. I had never taken myself seriously though.

        BTW Kathi, what is happening here? Are we both having a discussion on this thread. I am sort of loving it though.

Love and hugs to you

Farila

KAK

Yes, I am enjoying our discussion, too, and of course any other visitors are welcome to join us!

The contradictions of India are really amazing, I must admit.

By the way, John McCain is right at this moment conceding defeat to Barak Obama.  So, it would appear that we have elected our first non-caucasian President of the U.S.  Pretty amazing!!  I think it's great.  I think there is a lot of potential for Obama to help heal the damage to our country's reputation in the world that has been done to it over the last several years.

This is a very historic occasion.  I like Michele Obama as well.  She is a bright, strong woman & it will be great to see her in the White House.

Much love to you,

Kathi

farila_1966

Hello Katie,

            Hope you are doing fine. I have been missing because I am busy trying to get a job for myself after being willingly out of work for past 6 years. Will write to you sometime soon.. and we can discuss some more all over again once I get settled down ....

Love and hugs

Farila