Is my cancer upsetting You? Article

FloridaLady

I know we all have had this happen along the way.

Is my breast cancer upsetting you?
When Alicia Staley, a 37-year-old systems analyst from Boston got the news that she had cancer, she knew she was in for an emotional rollercoaster. But she assumed she'd be the one riding it, not her friends.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/26959103/from/ET/

Anonymous

Isn't this fascinating! I've seen it many times on these boards, a wonderful sister so worried about their loved ones when they are in the midst of this battle. The strength of women is amazing.

FloridaLady

burns,

I remember feeling I had to support everyone else when I was diagnosed.  Than as I had progressed it never seems to stop....Many love ones hold me up...many I hold up.

I am strong...I am Women... Most of the time any way.... 

otter

Oh, this is so true, at least for me.  I have a very small support network, and as it says in the article, I was the one doing most of the supporting most of the time.

My dh is a godsend.  He has been my rock (our BCO friend "rock_the_bald" notwithstanding).  There were some difficult times in the beginning, but once he figured out what I needed most and how to offer it, he has been my best ally.

Sis and my mom have been much more difficult to deal with.  They are emotionally fragile.  Neither could resist telling me how much they cried about me and how they lay awake at night worrying about me.  Honestly, I didn't need their pity, but that's all they could (and can) give.

No, that's not true.  My sis did offer to take time off work and travel a thousand miles, so she could sit by my side and "touch" me (?) and take care of me after my mast/SNB.  I thanked her for her generosity but declined the offer, explaining that my dh was retired and would be right here by my side the whole time.  He would (and did) wait on me, run errands for me, cook for me, tuck me in at night (in my recliner), etc.

I found out 6 months later that my sis has been angry and hurt ever since then, because I turned down her offer.  I was told by a 3rd party that my sis felt rejected, and that I had been "inconsiderate" and "insensitive" in declining her help.

All I could think of when I heard that was, "Who's the person with cancer, anyway???" 

There was more to the story, of course.  In addition to not really needing help (besides the help my dh was providing), I didn't want to have to clean the house before my sis's arrival, or worry about taking care of "company" in my home while I was recovering from surgery.  I also thought her presence would make it seem like I was more helpless than I really was.  My whole strategy was to recover from surgery as quickly as possible, which I think I did.  Now that I know how angry and hurt she was, I suspect her offer was intended less as assistance for me than as a way for her to feel useful.

So, yes, it's true--sometimes other people are more upset than we are about our cancer dx.  During my recovery period, I had to be careful how much time I spent with people like that.  I didn't have enough energy and enthusiasm to be their support system, when they were supposed to be mine.

otter 

priz47

That is so true! I have been trying to get rid of negative people and negative energy. I cannot 'be all' for everyone! And I am tired of trying!

D

mzmiller99

otter,

That's so funny!!  My mother was so upset that her friends were sending her sympathy cards!!  When I got phone calls from friends, she'd talk for 20 minutes about my cancer.  She told anyone and everyone in our small town, and was hurt when I finally told her how upset I was that everyone in the world knew!

My friends all offered to take me to treatments - a three hour round trip - but, it was more tiring to have to talk and entertain them all the way down and back, than to drive myself.  Even at my worst, I preferred to go alone, just so I could "chill".  So, then, of course, people were unhappy that I didn't call them...!  Geesh!

Then, when the teachers I work with surprised me with a huge basket of wonderful gifts, my mother's comment when I brought it home!?  "Gee, I wish someone would do that for me!"  I told her to just get breast cancer!!  I know she loves me, for once, the attention is not on her and all of her "ailments".  I don't let her know how frightened I am, because she goes to pieces and I end up comforting her.

Sorry to vent, but this thread hit a nerve.  God will punish me for being an ungrateful b*tch, but it's my cancer and I should be able to enjoy it!!

Susan

mybeautifulsister

Hi ladies,

My sister has b/c not me, and your posts has enlightenend me enourmously!!!!! I can only speak for myself because I don`t know your family dynamics. When I heard my youngest sister was dx, i fell apart, I felt guilty it was her and not me, she is such a wonderful, loving, special person, I am not as wonderful as her, so I would ask why her and not me and feel so guilty!!!!!  Also we are so close that if we could get in each others pockets we would, I was and still are consummed by this horrible afflication. My intensions have aways been to help her, with anything she needs to make recovery just a bit easier, feeling helpless was not an option for me, I had to be helpful,(until I realized this isn`t about me, or about me feeling better) and now I realize that all I did was compound her anxiety, she was afraid to tell me to much for fear that I would go over the deep end, and the end result was of her worying about ME!!!  I go on the blogs, I research every itch, pain, medication, side effects, you name it I`m right on it, thinking I am doing the right thing, I would call her and say blah blah blah, you need this, and if you get this, and I will find out, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!!!!! Now I sit and listen, if she wants to be alone I leave her alone, if she wants company to her tx I go if not I stay the hell home. etc, etc!!! I apologize to all of you for all like myself, who simply just didn`t realize that we were compounding all you are going through, and I am sorry, I let my feelings get in the way and thought that is what a loving sister does, now I know that is exactly what a loving sister doesn`t do. You have all helped realize my stupidity and ignorance and I thank you!!!!!

FloridaLady

mybeautifulsister,

You sound like the same story my sister and me had....Bottom line...we know you love us and that you are there for us.  That is the most important thing. We know you are phone call away.  But from my side...I did not want to cause total disruption to my love ones lives because of me.  We also have found stable ground...I think I would have made the same mistake if it was her, so there is no blame here.  I hope your sister knows what a special sister she has.

Flalady

dreamwriter

My husband had to learn that the world, my world no longer revolved around him.  As he stood by and watched friends do what he should be doing, he started to get jealous.  But still failed to provide the need emotional support.  Going with me to chemo was agony.  He was angry and took it out on the nurses, the receptionist... everyone.  I followed him offering apologies in his wake.  Then one day he discovered my friends were there for me big time.  They came to the hospital when he didnt.  They brought gifts.  They brought coffee.  Now hubby is slowly learning to be supportive.  I figure by the time I go into palliative care, he will be able to cope with it all.

mybeautifulsister

thank you Florida lady, that is exactly how she feels, she does not want to feel she has disrupted ourlives, I tell her she hasn`t cancer has. Thank you for your kind words. I guess no one really knows what to do when your hit with this.

Keep well,Deb

mzmiller99

mybeautifulsister - "I guess no one really knows what to do when you're hit with this"  really hit home with me.  I guess we're often in such emotional paralysis when we find out that we have cancer, that it is easy to forget that not everyone will know what we need for support.  We are all trying to protect our families and ourselves from the terror of our unknown futures and it's was easy for me to see my mom as actually being jealous of the attention I was getting.  Perhaps that was her way of coping. 

Like the "good friends" I haven't seen since my diagnosis.  Or the ones who get right up in my face and bore their eyes into me, and ask, in a solemn tone, "And how are you feeling?"  I would like to say, "How the hell would you feel if you had cancer??"

Hmmm, I may still have some unresolved anger issues to address.

Susan

mybeautifulsister

Hi susan,

the hell with unsolved anger, you get the pass!!!!! you get permission to be angry!!!! Hell I don`t have B/C and I give myself a pass at times when I `m angry, becasue I am angry that my sister is sick,  because I hate what cancer has taken from her, I hate what chemo is doing to her body, I hate that her BEAUTIFUL smile isn`t there anymore, I hate all the suffering that everyone on these posts have gone through, I hate when people say,  "She`ll be ok", HOW THE HELL DO THEY KNOW IF SHE WILL BE OK!!!!!!!! What do they mean by OK,her life will never be the same, with any luck at all she will have a life!!!!! I know they mean well and it goes back to "I guess no one really knows what to do or say when you are hit with this"  I guess I needed to vent, was around a lot of whiny people today over stupid things they complain about, I am much less tolerant these days I used to sweat the small stuff but not anymore!!!!!! I just can`t help it.

deb

mzmiller99

Deb,

It must be more frustrating to be the one without cancer, trying to cope with all of this.  I guess my brain is filled with all of the stuff going on, stuff that went on, stuff that will go on, etc., while you, as the loving sister, have no power of this damned cancer. 

 My best friend (the only "sister" I ever had) died 15 years ago from bc.  I feel like I never helped her.  As much as I loved her, I couldn't make it better.  It was  horrible to see her in her last days and know that as much as I tried, I couldn't make her stay.

 And, everytime I find a penny on the sidewalk, I know that it is Karen, sending me a "penny from heaven" to let me know she's thinking of me.

Your sister is blessed to have you.  Feel free to vent any time.  I plan on using that pass!

Susan

irishdreama

Hi Deb,

I agree with Susan-dealing with the whole breast cancer thing was way worse on the people I care about than on me. I will say, though, that what most people didn't understand was that the cancer is something we have to live with every day. A lot of people felt that once I was done treatment I was "all better", and that is so not the case. I actually had more difficulty dealing with the after effects of treatment, not to mention the emotional ramifications, than I did while I was actively fighting the disease.

mybeautifulsister

dear mz and irish,

you are both very kind ad generous in saying it must be harder on the caregiver, I don`t  think it is harder on me, I just  sometimes don`t know what to do for her, and i over do, because I can`t take the cancer away!!! It makes me angry when people assume that once chemo is over, lifes`s back to normal, couldn`t be farther from the truth!!!! I am grateful for this post, Thanks for listening to me!

Deb

peeps1111

Irishdreama:

So sorry about your H.  I know exactly what that's like. I have one too.  Not only is he totally unsupportive emotionally, he even ate the popsicles I bought for my chemo sessions.  I'm glad you have such good friends, so do I or I would never get through this ordeal.  I don't like bothering anyone but particularly my family as my 39-yr. old sister died from lung cancer 6 yrs. ago and we all went through hell with her the last year.

Peeps

Lesley-Ann

My home is normally a bit of a war zone but since I was diagnosed, biopsied and operated on it is hell. H seems to be under impression that after the op just get back to normal. He seems to be irritated and annoyed that this has happened to me. Has shown no interest at all in learning about what is happening to me or how I feel.  I have no appetite and can't sleep.  Am an emotional wreck and I don't know what to do about it.  Actually just want to curl up and die.  Am I alone???

mzmiller99

Hi, jellybaby,

So sorry that your support isn't supporting you.  Going through this is hard enough with lots of support. 

Have you talked to your docs about the emotional pain you're in?  They may have support groups for you...and your husband.  It sounds as though he needs someone to clue him in.  But, if he won't step up to the plate, seek out someone who will -  friend, co-worker, etc.  You need someone to confide in and give you a shoulder to cry on when you need it. This isn't something to go through alone.

Also, you may find some relief with a prescription to help with the anxiety and depression that breast cancer brings.

And, there are so many caring, knowledgeable women on this site that are here for you day and night.  You have a huge support group at your fingertips!

Since I've been divorced twice, I don't feel at all qualified to give advice on the subject of thoughtless, self-absorbed husbands, but I bet someone here does.

Please keep posting...we're all in the same d*mned life raft , paddling as hard as we can to keep afloat.  Hop in and grab a paddle!

Susan

BMac

First of all Mybeautifulsister, I wish you were my sister.  You may do the wrong things sometimes but it's obvious that you care for and love your sister very much.  I am now estranged from my sisters.  They were both "too busy" to call me during an eight week period while I was doing chemo.  When I mentioned to each of them that I was disappointed that I hadn't heard from them I was put in my place....told off, told it works both ways, told they work 24/7, told we're not really phone calley people, etc.  Believe me I'm better off without them; this was a pattern of behaviour for many years but I still feel mad and sad that they would feel entitled to treat me this way.

I also had ovarian cancer in 2002.  My father died of cancer in 1984, my mother died of ovarian cancer in 2001 and one of my sisters had breast cancer in 1992.  At the time of my ovarian cancer I told many people that it is much easier to be the person with cancer than it is to be the family member (or friend).  I've done both and I still believe this.  As the family member you feel so helpless. 

 Wow FloridaLady you really hit a nerve with people!

mybeautifulsister

Oh Jelly,

 There is NO room in my life for toxic people, life is hard enough without B/C,  you need comfort and understanding,not someone who is going to make you feel so unloved!!!!! All these women in the chat and on these blogs can provide you with so much, I don`t have b/C but it has helped me enormously!!! YOUR life is to important to let anyone make you feel so alone.You are not alone remember that!!!!!!  Please listen to what MZ says, she`s right, find someone in your community or another family member to help you, DON`T give up!!!! Please keep posting with us, and it will help you will find your way! Sending you my heart there is plenty of room jump on in!!!!

Deb

mybeautifulsister

Bmac,

thank you!!  Alls I can say about your sisters is they are  loosing out on the experience to form the most wonderful bond, I hope you have other support from other family and friends. it must be so hurtful not to have them show you that they care and are  concerned, perhaps they are just afraid because they don`t know how to deal with all this cancer with your mom and dad, your sister and now  you, I am not giving them right, but i think it is easier for some to stay away because cancer is so scary to deal with,its overwhelming as you know, or to afraid  to stir up emotions and to disrupt their own world , and that is just selfish, but we can`t force anyone to feel something they can`t handle or don`t want to face. I also send you my heart!! take care 

Deb 

BMac

Yes, Deb I have some wonderfully supportive friends.  One in particular couldn't do enough for me.  I mentioned that I needed my friends to visit me and take me out so I wouldn't be alone.  Well, she took it upon herself to make sure that I had something to do every few weeks when I was feeling up to it.  She took me out for lunch, to a play, to Home Depot to get my plants in the spring, Christmas shopping after my second chemo so I could get finished, etc.

I also emailed friends and neighbours.  Three of my neighbours took turns bringing us meals during chemo and two high school friends (acquaintances, really) came over several times to take me out for lunch.  In fact we're going out on Wednesday, but now that I'm finished active treatment (other than Herceptin) we're going to someone else's town instead of everyone coming to my town and we're now a group of four.

So, as many people experience, the ones you thought would be there for you aren't, but they're replaced by people who you never dreamed would be and that is truly a gift.