3 month post surgery blues

chilidog25

I was dx with dcis, grade 2, in February o8. I opted to keep my dx to myself, only telling my DH and my Mum. I had a bilat mass with immediate recon. on July 1st and was back at work three weeks later. After my path reports came back negative I decided it was time to tell friends and family. People were shocked, some supportive, some not but all were impressed by my strength and my good spirits. The breast counselor at the hospital has recommended several of her patients call me to help them answer questions and calm them down about thier impending surgeries. Im doing great and my life is basically back to normal......

...but heres the rub. I feel like crap! My life seems completely meaningless. I feel lost and Ive had bouts of depression where I sit and stare at nothing for hours. I desperately want to cry but I cant. I mean I physically cant. I can feel it bubbling under the surface and I try to think of the sadness this year has brought me (my Grandma died and my shop got broken into twice since my surgery) but I cant seem to tap my pain.I think Im just numb. Im short tempered with my husband and angry at my less supportive friends. Im functioning on the outside and screaming on the inside.

So I guess my question is, is any of this normal and if it is then how do I get through it. Im still dealing with the expanders which are uncomfortable and difficult to disguise. Perhaps after the exchange Ill feel better. Does anyone else want to rip these things out? Any thoughts would help.

kerry_lamb

Hey Chili,

Firstly, let me offer you lots of love and hugs..this is the toughest of battles. Somewhere else on this forum..earlier this year..I read that our response to our diagnosis and treatment (especially if surgery is involved) is best described as Post Traumatic Stress. There really is something in this, when you think about.

In a time of severe stress, which is what BC diagnosis and all the tests is ( severe stress) we go into this dealing mode because we simply HAVE to deal with each challenge as it comes up. There is no other way. But when the dust settles, as it is with you now (and me..I finished chemo last Friday)  our reserves are empty. What is needed is time, obviously, and quality head-space to process it all. But I'm thinking, for me anyway, anti-depressants as well. I think when someone is really up against it, as you are, even treatment with a PTS specialist could be really beneficial.

If you read through the forums (beware! It's a BIG read) you'll find one called 'Can't get my act together and I don't know why'. Pretty much describes what we all go through sometimes.

You are not alone in this. Take care as best you can, maybe by checking out depression first.

XXX Kerry 

chilidog25

Thanks Kerry,

I never thought about  PTSD but that makes a lot of sense to me. I think Ive prided myself on 'staying strong' but internally the stress is definitely there. You're right, its about giving myself time to heal on the inside. Im glad to hear this is all part of the process. I think I read 'cant get my act together' a while ago. Ill search for it again.

Congratulations on finishing chemo. Thats a tough journey so I hope you are feeling good about making it through.

 Thanks for the hugs. It helps. 

Alicia70598

What Kerry said totally makes sense. I went back to work full-time two weeks after a bilateral mastectomy, and I'm trying to stay "strong and positive" throughout the chemo. But staying positive, or just giving the appearance of it all day long, can be exhausting. It can mean shutting out your feelings for long stretches of time, which can't be healthy. It seems there's a fine line between acknowledging feelings and wallowing in self pity. And it doesn't help when, in the few times you decide to admit your struggles, someone reminds you to be positive.

Also, people around you often expect you to be back to your old self after it's "all over," but for many people, getting back to normal takes time. CURE magazine, of the American Cancer Society, has an article about that in their current issue, Back to 'Normal.' (It's a great magazine. You can read it online or get it mailed to you free.) 

Then there's the chemical part of it. I take a mild antidepressant, which helps, as does exercise. 

And I agree, those tissue expanders can be pesky! Hopefully the exchange surgery will make a difference. 

Good luck! 

ICanDoThis

I know - I had a lumpectomy and only missed 2 days of work. I was frightened but determined, and the tears stayed at home.

The good news is that, this WILL pass, but it doesn't feel like it when you are IN it.

After treatment was all done, I felt just like you do now. I cried for no good reason, several times a day. I tried talking to the social worker at the cancer center, didn't cut it.

I was told it was a severe stress reaction, and that things would fade.

Then it got worse. I could not get past some of the things that happened in treatment, I relived them over and over and dreamed about them. I would have one-sided imaginary conversations with doctors, explaining what I needed.

I was diagnosed with PTSD - the reliving experiences and the nightmares are the hallmark. I'm in treatment, and I am getting better. Most people with PTSD are put on medication, but I'm a recovering alcoholic, and chose to get through without drugs. My therapist agreed, because I wasn't suicidal.

These reactions are most likely to be really severe for those of us who have experienced significant trauma in our lives. Sometimes, it doesn't seem fair - you build a life after being a battered child, or being the victim of a violent crime - and that makes you more likely to fall apart after cancer.

Sometimes, I think we should have a whole window for this - it seems like most of us experience it to some degree.

One thing that helped me was, and is, journaling, getting all the yucky feelings out on paper. I even burned some of the more pissed-off writings, to let go of the feelings.

Another thing that has helped is guided visualization.

Hope this helps.

kayakgirl

Hi Chili, Kerry, Sue and Alicia:

I feel the same way -overwhelmed, depressed, just wanting this whole nightmare over. My thickening in my brest was found June 6 and it has been a wild rollar coaster ride since.I was dx in July with invasive lobular cancer, I had bilateral mastectomies with reconstruction July 23, developed a post-op wound that still isn't completely healed and started chemo August 27. I had a minor reaction first chemo with taxotere and a major hypersensitivty reaction from taxotere with my second chemo 3 weeks ago. I am due for my third chemo this Wednesday and I just don't want to go. The oncologist is changing my taxotere/cytoxedn to adriamycin/cytoxen. So a new drug with new side effects to get use to. After my first chemo I was very sick for about 9 days. Getting the chemo I feel like I am a widget on the medical assembly line. Agnes