husband

leener

I am just over 2 yrs since dx (8/18/06) and husband and I are having trouble.  After my pedicule TRAM on 2/19/08, I was in a vehicle that was rear-ended on 4/6/08.  My children and I were taken by ambulance to the hospital and have been in treatment since with a chirorpractor.  

 I have been struggling to heal, be a mom/wife and hold a full-time job.  My house is messy, and laundry is piling high.  I contend that he can help more instead of casting judgement.  He fusses about dinner, the kids doing what they're supposed to be doing, laundry and the condition of the house.  Today he blew up in front of the kids(14,11,8)  and threatened to move out.  Our kids did not need to hear that.  I will not approach him this evening (after 21 years together I've learned that it is better to wait till he cools off), but I am ready to tell him if he feels the need to move on (not my choice), he needs to do what he thinks is best.  I am however scheduled for another procedure on 10/3/08.

 We've tried counseling 2x in the distant past, with little positive effect.  I have a very demanding job and do the best I can.  

 Feedback would be appreciated. 

CAZ

Hey leener,

I am very very sorry for your situation.  Since it's been 2 years, you can hardly blame the initial shock for your husband's reaction.  I would hope if your husband wasn't willing to help with household chores, you could at least agree on a professional sevice.  I can't imagine going through all of this without the support of family.

Follow your heart,

Carol

pinoideae

leener, it is time to call in your family and friends.  The messy house, well, it won't harm your family (unless it has a germ related thing like raw chicken on a counter top etc), I know everyone needs laundry done once in a while.  I think it is not mean to teach a 14 year old to assist with family chores, the same goes for your husband.  Maid service once a week or every two weeks even is relatively inexpensive and a big help. I bet you will be amazed at how your family and friends will help you if you just ask. I sense that you are feeling overwhelmed right now.  Let us know how you are doing. 

kerry_lamb

Hey Leener,

I agree about the domestic help, and with getting the kids to help out more. I sense that the husband thing might be more complex.

I always feel that if my house is a bit out-of-control, then so is my life. I have a cleaner come in once a week ($40) to have a good go-through. In between, we 'Do the Room of Death'. That's where the clothes dryer is and all the clean clothes. The kids sort their stuff (no..eight is NOT too young) and it goes into their rooms. (What happens to it after that is irrelevant!)

If you have some good friends, two is enough, get them to come around and wash and dry all day to catch up. Sit your kids down formally and get them to go through their clothes and drawers and get rid of what they don't wear any more. That goes to the op-shop.

Also, formally, and while your friends are there, draw up a list of regular jobs to be done (start simple) and get them to choose which ones they are going to take responsibility for. My 15 year stepson cooks one night per week without fail, and his 12 year old brother cooks a pudding.  The 12 yo empties the dishwasher and the 15 yo manages the rubbish and recycling. There is WW3 to start with, but do not budge. I simply said quietly 'We are going to share the jobs a little more evenly from now on.' Whatever you do, DO NOT take the 'anything for peace' approach when things unravel. Stick with your guns.

Your husband? There's no excuse for him either. And do the 'Room of Death' 3 times per week without fail!

Good luck to you Summer! You haven't done the hard yards thus far for nothing.XXX 

Route53

Leener,

I agree, get help.  I also think that perhaps you two can try to arrange for more one on one time.  Whether a dinner, a movie, a nice stroll, or a getaway weekend, it might be just good to get things off your chest in a different environment.  Obviously, if this has been an everyday thing, that is tough.  My own wife and I had our idiosyncracies that we dealt with before cancer came into our lives.  Once it did, those idiosyncracies became problems in our communication that we had to deal with.  Your situation might be different, but i am sympathetic to your cause.

I, for one, was bottling up my frustration and if I didn't let it out, I was going to blurt out inappropriately.  It takes two very strong people to get through what you are going through.  And it takes a strong family to get through the whole thing together. 

Route53

http://route53.wordpress.com

roderadio

dearest leener...it is late, my mind is ablaze with the idiotic things my husband said to me earlier during an argument, and now that he is snoring loudly on the chaise lounge, i am reaching out to say that i feel your pain...i reported to this site at this very moment to post a thread about how the insensitive remarks made by my obnoxious and selfish husband at the most inappropriate time (night before i am to meet with my entire surgeon/onc team regarding the next course of action after a recurrence) have me on the verge of kicking him out...not just out of the hous, but out of my life...i now see that i am not alone...so sorry we are both enduring such unbelieveable treatment from the very ones that are supposed to love us the most...i had a lumpectomy, 4 CT infusions and 7 days of radiatin before i located a new lump about 2 weeks ago...since then, i've been dreading the decision to be made: 2nd lumpectomy or diep mastectomy...tomorrow i meet with a multi-disciplinary team of surgeons and onc's that have reviewed all my test results and film...what they say will determine the tone of the treatment to follow...will they say my triple neg status will mandate a mastectomy and more chemo or inevitably return despite such?  i don't know, but i've been feeling anxious about it and the decsion to come afterward...and the hubby hasn't made anything easier...he discounts my entire current condition as, "you'll be fine"...the muscle fatigue that renders my 32 year old body, at times, unable to walk relatively short distances is to him just an excuse not to go to the gym...so, of course the 20 lbs i gained due to chemo prompted glances to my belly and jokes about being fat...uggggh...i'm so annoyed, i'm rambling...earlier this evening, i asked him to fix something for me...he suggested to me that i should read a booklet of instructions and learn to do it myself...i implored him to do this for me as i didn't have the time or mental energy to focus on anything other than the 4 doctor appointments coming up this week and the life-changing decision to soon follow...he refused...addtionally, i was angered because he has not contributed to cooking or housework since i found my first lump late last year...now that i am no longer the family bread winner and he is, it seems he wants to be a man's man who doesn't life a finger around the house...i'm resenting this because i did cook and clean while i was working full time...not that i'm juggling pain, dr appointments, and getting my child off to school, i need him to at least pitch in once a month...i swear, if i don't vacuum or wash out the tub...it won't get done at all...we'd be living in filth...what disgusts me even more is that he asks, "do you really need me to go with you to your appointment?"  i know him well enough to know that, time and again, when he aks that, it translates, "i really don't want to..."  being disgusted with him is breeding disgust for myself...i've never been dependant on a man...now, i'm tolerating his asanine and condescending comments just for the health insurance...since i'm spilling it, i might as well tell it all...this so-called "love of my life" is mainly concerned with how much sex he is missing out on...men, they are so shallow...i think i will tell him when he wakes in the morning that i don't want him to go to my important dr appointment...it would be so phoney...i feel like i'm going through this alone anyways...well, except for when i'm logged in here and able to speak my mind...so sorry, leener, not to have words of encouragement for you regarding the hubby thing...i can only pass along that i'm sure the same affirmations i say to myself are true for you too:  you deserve better and breathe deeply through any thoughts of strangling the hubby...

roderadio

hello again, all...so sorry for the various typos above...i was flying on the keyboard through raw emotion and didn't edit myself or spellcheck before submitting...i hope you understood the rambling...leener, i wish you a wonderful and productive day...if at all possible, get yourself a good massage, then engage in lively conversation with whomever truly loves you and makes you laugh...stress at a time like this will rob you further of good health...words i'm gonna live by as i call my best friend later tomorrow...

dlb823

Dear leener & roderadio... I feel so frustrated for both of you.  BC is such an all-consuming thing to deal with, and to have no support or downright aggression from your spouses when you most need their support is so disheartening to hear about.  The only thought I wanted to pass along is, I wonder if meeting with a clinical psychologist who specializes in breast cancer might help.  I know when I was first dx'd, a psychologist who met with me and my husband during a multi-disciplinary clinic, told us that if we ever felt we needed to talk to someone, be sure it's someone familiar with bc.  Otherwise, they don't truly understand the dx, tx's, and specific fears and stresses you are experiencing.  It sounds like both of your situations could benefit from some outside intervention, and I just wanted to suggest that a professional who specializes in families affected by breast cancer might take an entirely different approach and know how to help you.  

Thinking of you...   Deanna