10 things a Husband Can do to Help his Spouse

Route53

I'm sitting here the night before my wife's surgery and I can't sleep.  Have I done enough to help mer?  What else is there?  Fortunately my mom is here (a breast cancer survivor herself) and just her gentle hand on my shoulder tonight was enough to calm me down and let me know that I'd done enough.

Well for those other husbands out there confused about what to do or what else to do, here are some of my thoughts.  They might not apply to everyone, but they can help.

 1.  Just Be There - I couldn't imagine my wife going to all the appointments alone and hearing information alone.  She will appreciate it.  Today i sat in a room with about 25 women with breast cancer and I saw only 2 male companions there.  The women with those male companions seemed the most relaxed.

2. Be The Chief Information Officer - There is going to be a lot of information.  Help her gather and organize the information.  Also help filter the information for her. Take notes at every meeting.  My wife would read my notes and say, "Did they say that?

3. Manage the Communication Flow - Help her decide who to tell or not to tell.  In my case my wife told those people she felt close to and we also told those who could help.  It was my job to help her tell everyone else and make sure she got to relax.  If you do #1 and #2 above, you will have enough information to help answer everyone's questions and let your wife battle the cancer rather than the hundreds of well-wishers.

4. Distract her.  Keep her busy and never leave her alone.  Don't let her mind dwell and get depressed.

5.  Distract yourself.  Don't be the martyr.  Let yourself live each day and get some rest.

6.Prepare her for post-surgery care.  Get good garments to hide her drains, Get a good pillow.

7.Keep an open dialogue.  My wife and I created a nice routine each night to check in with each other ans see if we were doing okay.

8.  Run the errands and get your house in order.  My kids and I went grocery shopping and cleaned the house as best we could this weekend in preparation. 

9.  Help establish a routine and stay the course.  Try and not let the looming surgery change your behavior.

10.  Just listen to her.  You might not agree with everything, but it is her choice and her choices will make her the happiest

Wish me luck tomorrow.  6 hours of waiting!

Route 53

http://route53.wordpress.com

darCraig

Bless you for being with your wife.  My husband has come to every appt., every treatment.  This is what "in sickness and in health" is about, and it means a lot!  I  hope your wife's surgery goes well.

Monique

Route 53

My husband has also been very much THERE for me both mentally and physically and I can't tell you how much it means to me. He does many of the things you suggested and it nice to see more people taking an active role in their wives well being through this bump in the road.  Sometime we may not express the appreciation during this time, foggy brains, stress, med's, etc., but we do appreciate all you do for us.  Good luck to you and your wife today and please check back in and let us know how things went.

Monique

spar2

Pray all goes well.  You are a good husband and mine is a wonderful husband also.  Check back in and let us know how it goes.

wishiwere

Prayers for you wife's surgeon, a steady hand.  For you wife, a safe and quick surgery and recovery, for dwife's husband, few hours to sit and worry and all the best, b/c we know it's often times more scary for those caring for us than for us.

Just a note.  Sometimes, Some women want alone time.  I know I needed it sometimes.... draw her a bath if/when she's able and let her soak and dream of better times! Pamper her and enjoy it. Mostly enjoy the time you have pampering her, b/c it seems we never get enough of time together to pamper one another.  Now is a good time for you to enjoy that you can you do that, and you should.

She's going to do well tomorrow b/c she has a great support team in place.  That goes a LONG way to the healing process! 

Good luck today!

pip57

My husband follows all those rules except one.  Wish, you are right.  We  do need some time alone! 

The only thing I would add is what my hubby does every night.  He asks, "Have I told you I love you yet today?"  Usually he already has, but it is always nice to hear again. And once in a while he will look at me and say "you are awesome" meaning going through tx and still putting one foot in front of the other.  I like that so much better than the typical "you are so brave" etc.

Route53, your wife is very lucky to have you by her side.  So many of us here are from such supportive relationships.  It really does make a difference. 

g94u67

Route, your thread touched me and your DW is so blessed to have such a compassionate hubby. (My DH isn't the most sensitive guy but has been great).

I agree w/the alone time but I do remember feeling very neglected and hurt one day my DH hadn't given me enough attention. He caught on quick and changed tunes.

Pretty: I hear you. The "ILY" is most important. I keep getting "She's very strong and will pull through" I like that.

God Bless you and your wife,

Jeannine

Route53

Thanks everyone.  Somehow I've wasted away 2 hours already of the expected 5 hour surgery (two hours each breast and 45 minutes extra for the expanders).  Thank goodness the hospital installed an open wireless network six months ago.

Starbucks and the internet...two things that can help ease the pain of waiting.

Route53

https://route53.wordpress.com

Fitztwins

Sometimes my husband forgets how fatigued I get from all of the treatments. I need more rest than anything else.

dlb823

Route 53 ~  Love your thoughtful post!  You sound a lot like my DH -- very involved and sensitive to what your wife is going through.  One thought I wanted to add is how important my DH's positive outlook has been for me, especially when I hit a down moment or even a down day.  When I've felt sad about the scars on my body, he's quick to point out that they're not that bad, and that ridding my body of bc is the only thing that's important.  When I get upset about my hair loss with chemo, he's quick to remind me that I'm already halfway through my treatments, and that my hair will start growing back very soon.  There have been many times in this journey when I've hit a low point, and he's always been there to encourage me by showing me the flip side, and always making me feel strong and beautiful.   Even though I know he must at times share my fears and concerns about how bc has changed our lives, he has always stressed to me that getting through the treatment is what's important, and that all the discomfort and incoveniences are temporary, and that the only thing that really matters is doing whatever it takes to rid my body of bc.

About a week after my mastectomy, I was telling a friend how wonderful my DH had been taking care of me during that time.  When she asked, "Didn't you think he would be?,"  I replied, "Well, yes, I knew he would... but, what I didn't know is how hard it would be!" 

Good luck to you & your wife, Route  53 ~    Deanna 

CAZ

It was my choice to go into my appointments by myself.  I'm in the medical profession, so the jargon was not overwhelming, and my DH is terminally squeamish.  I couldn't have him distracting the process by fainting.  He's been extremely supportive in every part of this ordeal.  I'm just sharing this so that DHs don't feel guilty about being queasy.  You can contribute in so many other ways.  My man is a rock, he's just a little mushy about gory details.  It would have been unbearable without him.

Route53

I too am normally very queasy, but somehow with these situations (birth of children and now this), being queasy is just not an option.  In fact, it is my wife who is having trouble looking at the blood in the drains while I strip her drains and pour out the blood every night.

I do have ONE MORE THING though that a husband can do and that is by a SOFTEE.  In fact buy the SOFTEE TWO and not the Original.  This is a cotton undergarment that a woman can wear post surgery.  It has easy to insert breast forms (my wife has yet to use them), but more importantly has an inside ROO pocket for you to insert your drain pumps.  This allows them not to dangle and pull which I've heard causes irritation for many.  It also makes sure they don't get tangled with other garments when pulling clothes on and off. 

I found them in the gift store at our Breast Cancer after they were recommended by the RN during our Pre-Op visit.

Route53

http://route53.wordpress.com

kathimdgd

Route53,you sound like a very loving and caring DH.

My dh also goes to all of my appointments with me.Before we went to the first appointment with the surgeon,he went and bought us a small tape recorder.Then we asked the dr's if it was ok to record the meeting.He agreed whole heartdly.I told him i knew my brain was mush,and i wouldn't remember half of what he said.

Let me tell you that recorder has been a blessing,because we both missed some things he said,but picked them up when we listened to the recording,DH and i both have hearing problems,so this works for us,and i think it would work for anyone in the position we all find ourselves in these days.

So tell us,how is your wife doing now that the surgery is behind her?? Very well i hope.It's a long hard road to travel,and when you don't have to travel it alone,that's a big help.

Good luck and God Bless to you both.

Kathi

my3girls

Route53...all I can say is God Bless you!! Your wife is one lucky lady to have such a wonderful, thoughtful and supportive husband by her side. The fact that you got on here and reached out to other's that might need the advice speaks volumes.

I wish all the best to you and your wife as she recovers from her surgery. It's a long road (I did it also) but with you by her side and her supportive family..she will do great!

I wish I had been as fortunate. I had a very loving family and friends who were with me through it all, but my new husband of 6 months decided that it would be too much to handle..and bailed! But I am better off..and stronger for it!

God bless both of you!

Lisa

Route53

Kathi,  That is great.  I should have brought a recorder along too but I did bring a laptop to take notes.  great when your husband can support.  I can tell you that if I don't have the knowledge I would worry more, but also my wife would have been burdened with answering all the questions.  My wife is at home with us now and things are going okay.

We all did get a little sick this weekend.  I think I pushed it too hard trying to do everything, but a long night of sleep got me back at least into a semi-functional mode.  You can also read my semi-informative blog here that takes you from my pre-surgery to post-surgery thoughts.  http://route53.wordpress.com.

Lisa (My3girls), I'm sorry you were abandoned at a time of need.  I guess we all get a little selfish about our emotions and what we think we can or cannot deal with.  I had a friend with brain cancer and his wife of 8 months bailed on him too (7 years later and he is going strong).  That said, you touched on a great note about family.  My family has been great in helping us with food, caregiving, etc.  We couldn't have done it without them although we still have a bit more to go as we are not even one week post surgery.

Route 53

http://route53.wordpress.com

Route53

Bumping this up for leener

Yogi70

Route53,

You are obviously a wonderful and caring husband and a big help to other husbands out there who are lost and can't get it together. Good Bless you.

Yogi

dhettish

Wow, what a great guy you are! My husband has always been there for me. But I could never imagine him getting on this list. That is way cool of you.

Debbie 

Route53

Debbie and Yogi,

Well we are all different and I'm sure most husbands care.  this is my way of staying close to my wife on all matters.  We have a 50/50 relationship on all things, but realize that sometimes that means there is imbalance where one takes more of the burden 80/20 for now.

My wife started on here but she said it got to emotional and found it hard to filter.   So I do that for her although she's starting to read on here more.

Route53

http://route53.wordpress.com

Lesley-Ann

You are very amazing.  My husband has just been fighting with me for the last three weeks.  Had surgery 2 weeks ago today and for now it seems the shouting and fighting have stopped.  He now pretty much ignores me and sleeps in the spare bedroom.  I'm hurting here and am feeling abandoned and alone.  I am even having terrible thoughts like not starting the rads and hormone thingie and maybe this thing will just finish me off soon.  Why fight it - what for?  Sorry to sound so down on this site for happy spouses but well I think that there are woman out there today who had a tooth filled who are getting more pampered than I have been.  It sucks.

wblibrary

The hospital gave me two Softees after my mastectomy.  Since you can't wear a bra for weeks/months - having these to wear made me feel a little more human going out to appointments, stores, etc.  They never tell you that packing around two drains is going to make you look like a tank in anything you wear.  Buy button up blouses for the first month or so.  Anything that clings just shouts to the world your condition.