Anyone else been abandoned?

bradb

My wife was diagnosed with breast cancer in April, had a mastectomy, and started chemo about a month and a half ago.  Just before she started chemo, she very suddenly started being very angry with me and her older sons.  She has since shut me out of her life completely.  She left home about 4 weeks ago with 5 of our children, issued a restraining order against me and filed for separation, all within a couple of weeks.  We had been getting along pretty well overall before that time.  Then she started badmouthing me to our friends, so no one will speak to me or the children that are with me.  Now I'm stuck trying to pick up the pieces of my life and restore the family in spite of her.  Is this normal?  Has anybody else out there survived this sort of thing?  I'm about at the end of whatever rope I might have had.  Dealing with her breast cancer would have been enough.  I love her, and I really want to have her back as my wife for the rest of our lives.

pbcc1

She is running from the cancer, and using you in it's place. Contact her however you can legally, and tell her the last sentence that you posted here. She is scared to death and not thinking straight. Patience and love in abundance are what you need at this point. And LOTS of it. Oh, and did I mention PATIENCE ? Now is not the time to drag up the past...let it stay in the past.. she needs support, love and oh... patience !!

wishiwere

I know relationships work or don't work on both sides, but have you tried sending her flowers to get her attention?  Have you tried to understand as pbcc said, she's running from fear itself!

I know there were several times I wanted to get my bags (Or not) and just get in the car and drive away.  Weird thing, I barely remember how bad it got, but do remember trying to explain to the oncologist how I would fal into a very black place on about day 4-5 after treatment.  I think it was the steriods, but he never addressed.  I also know my sister had mentioned to her bf that it was possible I'd be moving into their spare bedroom when the house was done, as I would voice my opinons of our marriage to her. AGain, I don't remember the specifics, just that I would blame him for my disparity.  PLEASE...............give her time and do what wooing you can to try to let her know you are still there for her.  I find it hard to believe she could get a restraining order without just cause (please don't take offense) but here in our area, a restraining is so difficult to get, and is only given when a person has had at least two calls to the police for problems, so not sure what your situation is, but sounds dire...

If you truly want to win her back, then you've got to talk to somone who can guide you through what it is, is wrong in marriage first.  All the best to you both.

AnnNYC

Hi wishiwere and bradb --

I know laws vary widely from place to place -- in the state of NY a spouse or family member or boyfriend/girlfriend can get a "temporary order of protection" from Family Court that is just based on that person's word -- there doesn't have to be any record of police calls or arrests.  (A restraining order from criminal court would require a police record.)  But in any case, bradb -- make sure your communications are through legally-approved channels -- as a father, I would think you would have standing in most states to seek at least supervised visits with your children through Family Court, and this would be a way to keep some channels of communication open. 

Given that some kind of restraining order or order of protection is in place, whether from a civil or criminal court, you could put yourself in a bad spot if you send a letter or flowers through the wrong channels and the order considers it "stalking" or "harassment".

As Wishiwere said, "you've got to talk to somone who can guide you through what it is, is wrong in marriage first."  I agree -- some kind of counseling could really help a lot -- if you can speak to a marriage/family counselor or social worker who also knows something about life with cancer and chemotherapy, that would be REALLY good.

I think you also need guidance from someone who knows the laws where you live -- maybe a lawyer, but a lawyer who understands that in addition to protecting yourself legally, you WANT to reconcile with your wife, if at all possible.  (Not a lawyer who will treat your wife as your adversary.)

Wishing you and your whole family the best.

wishiwere

Oh Geepers, Ann is right!  Do not send flowers with a protection order in place! Whooho!  Thank you Ann, didn't catch that thought at all!  It's been a fuzzy day today :O

Listen and read ann's response, it's a good one. I agree totally!

Thanks again Ann for the correction! WHEW!

spar2

I would suggest court appointed counseling because I have never heard of any wife leaving her husband  because she has cancer when she needs the most support.  there has to be more to it.