I need help dealing..

Lostris

My mom died at the age of 61 from breast cancer April, 19th 2008. I am 28 years old and haven't been married yet and I don't have any children.
It's only been almost 5 months, but it feels like I've aged 5 years. The grief is getting worse instead of getting better. I think the numbness is starting to wear off and I just feel so raw. I feel angry and depressed and lost. My grief comes out in so many stupid ways because I can't control when it comes on. Somedays, I'll be fine and other days like the last 3 days, I cry on the drive to work, I cry at my desk, I cry in bed at night.
My poor boyfriend tried to kiss me while I was leaving for work today (running late) and I shoved him aside telling him that I didnt have the time. I always had the time for him. He tries so hard to be there for me, but all he can do is listen. But he doesn't know how it feels so he gives me lame advice and I just end up getting irritated. I know I shouldn't be angry at him for having two healthy parents who are still happy and married. I just cant help feeling jealous and pissed because he takes them for granted. It also angers me that if we marry and have kids, I won't have my mom there to witness any of that! My future kids will never know how great she was.
I feel isolated and bitter. I tried so hard to "prepare" myself for her death. I wasn't even close to being prepared. I feel like this feeling will never go away and I just need somebody to relate to.

CAZ

Dearest Lostris,

I lost my father to cancer when I was 25, and as hard as it is to believe right now, time does lessen the pain.  Everything you're going through right now is natural and unavoidable.  I remembering sobbing when it first hit me 2 years later that he would never know the wonderful man that became my husband.

The thing I found that helped most was to listen to all the beautiful stories my Dad's friends told.  Many hadn't talked to him in years but wrote touching letters that I still have 19 years later.  This has lead me to always  tell or write about my favorite memory of the person when somebody loses a loved one.

Although we've chosen not to have kids, I've made picture books for my nieces and nephew to let them know what a wonderful grandfather he would have been.  It's full of the lessons he taught and lived by.

Hang in there, and find a neutral party such as this board to vent your rage and anguish.  That frees up your boyfriend to hold you and dry your tears.  There isn't anything anyone can say to take the pain away, but I hope to pass on that eventually the hole in your heart will be filled with beautiful memories.

Cry when you need to, but remember she would want you to go on.

Carol(AZ)

Daffodil

I lost my mother after her 20-year battle with cancer; she was 66. I understand.

Please find a grief and healing group. My neighbor is a grief counselor at a local hospital, and I imagine there is something for you in your area. Ask your mother's doctors, your pastor, or at any church or hospital.

Carol's right; your mother's legacy should be a optimistic daughter with loving memories looking to a happy future.

Hoping for your happiness.....

mymothersbaby

I have no advice as I have just started down the road of my own grief, but I am praying for you.

irishdreama

Dear Lostris

Believe me, I know how you feel. My mom died 8 years ago from Kidney cancer at age 62. She was diagnosed just 2 months after my daughter (Her first & only grandaughter-the rest were boys) was born. I took care of her for 2 years, and she died in my arms on Aug. 21, 2000. The pain will lessen a bit every day, but, of course never goes completely away. I feel my daughter has been especially cheated, as my dad died on Thanksgiving day, 2005, from Bladder cancer and heart problems, and I was diagnosed a year later with Breast cancer. But I feel that God only gives us what we can handle, and loss and pain does make you stronger. Hang in there, believe it or not, it WILL get better. Jeri

Dejaboo

Hi Lostris,

  Im sorry to hear about your mom.  It is so very hard to loose our Moms.

 I was 28 when I lost my Mom to Cancer  Sept 4th 1991.  She was 58.  She was DX & died 9 mo later (not bc)  I felt like my Heart had been ripped open

It is very hard to move forward.  It doesnt just happen.  You will need time.  Lots of it.  It took me 3 years to think I was going to be ok.  Then my Sister died & I started all over...

I think taking everyday one day at a time helps.   Some days will be great & others you will be sad, Angry or depressed...The bad days will get farther apart.

I was married,  I had  a 3 year old & a 9 month old.  I was sleep deprived.  Some days I really lost it.  When  I think back...counseling might have helped me deal with all of my Emotions.  But I didnt think to try that then...Maybe that might help you & something you could consider.

I too  was Angry that my dh was not going through this pain -It wasnt fair...he had no idea what the pain was like & also didnt know what to do/say to comfort me.   But I knew he cared - I just tried to tell him Its not you...Im just so sad/Angry right now...

 When I miss My Mom I still talk to her.  I think of her many times during the week...But the heart pain has lessoned.

 Wishing you peace,

Pam

Jenniferz

I lost my father when I was 45.  Not to cancer. The hard truth of this is you really never get past the loss, but you will get through it.  I do understand the "anger" aspect, but after awhile, I found that I had "adopted" my father-in-law, and he had "adopted" me!!  (I think dh got a little jealous--his dad ALWAYS sided with me!!) We lost him 7 short years later, so old wounds opened up again. 

5 months sounds like alot of time, but really isn't. There really isn't any time limit in the grieving process. As Dejaboo says, time, time and more time.   If you don't think you're moving on as you should, please take Pansy's advise and seek counciling. There you will find more of the answers you need.

I am so sorry for your loss, and am sending many prayers to you as you move through this troubling time.

Jennifer

spar2

I lost my dad to a heart attack way too soon.  I had to take antidepressants to help me get over the ordea for severals years.  At that time I took Elavil and it took a few weeks to start helping but it did.  Hopefully your boyfriend will be patient with you.  You may need to talk to someone impartial or get some kind of help.  gentle hugs to you sweetie.

hollyann

Lostris, i lost my mom to bc when I was 8 yrs old...She died at home and I witnessed her death..I got angry at everyuone, even God......I had bouts of depression and anger and just plain sadness....But this was years later when I was free to mourn her.....Be glad you are free to mourn your mother now...Remember all the good times so you can tell your children about her.....Show them pictures of her......Don't regret not having children before she passed..I'm sure she wouldn't want that......if she was anything like my precious mother, she is smiling down on you from Heaven and wishing you well.....I wish I could be there with you to give you a great big hug in person but I can't so here is a big cyber hugs ((((((Lostris))))).........In time the sadness goes away and you will be able to speak of your mother without tears.....Perhaps a grief counselor would be your best bet...I know they helped me so much....Good luck to you...Hugs

Lucy 

KPolasek

Lostris,

 I am sorry that you are going through this terrible grief.  I lost my g'mother to bc when she was just 53 yrs old.  And, now, I was 54 yrs old when I was diagnosed with my bc.  I was 13 yrs old at the time .... she was my care provider when my parents were at work ... which was most of the time.  I still miss her ...

 If you can, try to find a non-profit Hospice in your area.  They offer grief support and it doesn't cost anything ... and it is for anyone in the community.  At least that is the way it is for the Hospice that I work for (which is non-profit).

You are in my prayers.

 Blessings,

Kay

Lostris

Thank you guys for all the warm responses and gentle advice. I think I may start looking around for a grief counselor to help me deal with my emotions. I was never very good at expressing my emotions when I was younger. Now, in my adulthood, I've been working on that, but I can see now that I still have more work to do.

Thank you all again for helping a lost stranger