my daughter just diagnosed!

stargazer_lily

I am so scared!! wow, I finally said it. . my daughter is 32! It is supposed to be me - not her! How can I help her? She is the mother of 3! She went through 13 years of trying to get pregnant, 7 of them on infertility - adopted 2 and then tried 1 last time with infertility and had a baby boy a year ago!! So 3 kids in 2.5 years and now this!! I don't want to say or do the wrong things! Help!

Yogi70

So sorry to hear about your daughter!  I know as a mother it has to be very hard for you to watch her go through something as horrible as breast cancer. 

Just be there for your daughter of course. Learn everything you can about this disease.  In the coming months shes going to need your support. She will need help with the kids, housework etc. Sometimes it is hard for people to know what to say and when those times arise for you - a mother's hug and kiss work wonders.  I know my Momma's always do.  You'll do fine because you love her.  And stick around on these boards you can learn alot from these wonderful ladies here. Someone else should chime in soon.

Peace and Blessings

Yogi

pip57

I have been where you are right now.  It just sucks, big time.  Unfortunately, my daughter was diagnosed at 14 with rhabdomyosarcoma  and died at 16.  That was 11 years ago.  She is my inspiration as I travel down this bc path.

Because of this, I understand more than some what my own mother is going through watching me go through surgeries and tx.  No matter how old your children are it is almost unbearable.  I know you would love to trade places with her, but you can't. 

You will get through this.  The mother/daughter bond will probably strengthen.  If you live near her I am sure she will be so thankful for help with the children.  Don't worry about what to say.  Just be honest.  Your relationship will let you say things that others cannot or would not.  My mom has been one of my greatest supporters and the first one to tell me when to knock it off and slow down.  Mom's are just like that!

Take Care

Boobalicious

Hi there,

           My mom and I just read your post, I was diagnosed with breast cancer this year and am going through reconstruction right now.My mother would like to say, just be her mom, hold her when she cries, read up when you can, but just be there when you can. If your daughter ever needs to talk to another survivor, please call me at 520-210-7275 and if you ever need another mother to talk to call her at 916-225-0069. You both will get through this I promise you.

Mary and Elaine 

judyr

Stargazer, you sound like a wonderful mom!

It is so hard to see your kids suffer, I think more than when we suffer ourselves.

When I went through treatment and diagnosis my mom was just getting sick as well with balance issues and stroke. I think one of the most awful times for me was when my Dad called and said they would not be able to fly out and be with me for part of my treatment. My Dad was worried about my Mom making the trip. I remember sobbing after I hung up, just feeling so small and alone. There is nothing like having your mom there when you are sick, even when you are 40. I know it was one of the hardest things my Dad had to ever do as well. They wanted to be there for me too.

I did however have a wonderful support in my mother in law who is close by. She would be here to babysit for any appointment at the drop of a hat. When I was so weak, she would iron my kids and hubby's clothes, prepare meals do general cleaning and much more. I couldn't have done it without her. I certainly cannot complain about my mother in law! It has brought the two of us closer together.

I guess my point is just be there for her. Hug her and listen to her, help her with the kids, whatever she needs. Be her Momma and love her when she feels so small herself.

I'll be praying for you and your family!!

Judy

LUVmy2girlZ

Stargazer ~

I am sure you feel helpless...words of encouragement, supporting and sympathy all go hand in hand.  Reassure her that even though there is no cure for cancer....with 1 out of 7 getting diagnosed comes awesome technology, Breast Cancer is a survivable disease.  Let her children be her strength.  You are all in the "waiting" period ?  This can be by far the hardest part...you will soon get your "plan of action" and feel "more in control"

I would recommend you go with her to her Dr. appointments or watch your grandchildren while she goes w/ her husband.

Tell her " SHE can get  through this "  She also can find support here when she is ready...there are so many wonderful women that can give her strength.

Through  this journey are many detours ...she will see the light at the end of the tunnel and each passing day gets better.  Though it never fully goes away...it does get better.

Don't worry so much as what to say...just listen, hug, sympathetic and yet give her determination.

Keep us posted!

Much LUV 

Route53

I agree with LUV,

Just be supportive.  With 3 young children the best thing you can do is be an extra set of arms and legs to watch the children or go with her to physician when her husband can't go.  Every mother is differnt and I applaud you.  Both my mother and my wife's mother have had breast cancer and are approaching their support differently.  We have 2 children  8 & 6, and it we are most concerned about them and making sure their lives aren't disturbed.

My mother in law doesn't want to get in the way and asked if my father-in-law could could come and help.  My mother is the one doing the babysitting during the appointments when I can't make it.

If I may make one suggestion.  If you can attend with your daughter, be strong and take notesfor her.  She might not hear everything the doctor says.  My wife went with my mother when my mother had breast cancer four years ago as my father was not able to go.  It was very educational for my wife and now that she has cancer she is more prepared than ever to face it.

Route 53

http://route53.wordpress.com

Anonymous

Well, I know what I wished my mom would of done: been more open about things.  She wouldn't talk to me about her feelings, thoughts, etc about it.  She refused to look at me if I took my hat/scarf off around her, and in fact, demanded that I keep it on.  She, whether she realized it or not, is the reason I stayed to out of sight during my treatments the first time around...

Be there for her.  Let her know that she is by no means alone.  When she wants to be mad, get mad with her. When she wants nothing but to be with her mom, let her.  

I feel like I've had to surpress the emotions I have had to deal with because of my mom.  It was a challenge getting through it the first time, and the second time, while the diagnosis isn't as critical, has been challenging to her.  

There are places that will help the both of you get through this.  Start with the local chapter of the Wellness Community or The American Cancer Society.

Best of luck. 

spar2

I wish my mother had been there for me but she was not at all but sweet daughter was a joy and my aunt helped alot.  I still resent my mother not being there for me.  She said it just made her too nervous, she was in her 60's then and she still is going dancing and stuff like that.  I am trying to let it go but it is hard.  The best thing you can do is just be there for her and if possible take her to at one of her chemo treatments. 

preschool842002

My daughter was also dx at age 32 and I also felt that it was suppose to be me. My mother and her mother had both lost their fight with breast cancer. Why did it skip me and go to her ? I finally realized that all that "stinkin thinkn" wasn't helping her. The best thing that I would say is to just be there for her and with her. I listen,sometimes we cry together,get mad together and laugh together.Most of all we ( the whole family) talk openly about this chronic diease I am lucky enough to live close by as do her siblings and one of us is always with her for any treatmen or Dr appointments.In January 08 she had a local recurrance and it was awful. She had a masectomy( lumpectomy the first time ) and then chemo again.Currently she is NED She has a seven year old boy and she is wonderful with him.We stay positive ,and take one day at a time. I hope that I have been encouraging to you.God Bless

wishiwere

Yep, all great advice.  Above all, stay positive if that's what she asks.  My mother had a tendency at 80 to be negative and one of the first things I said to her an my family, is that I did NOT want bad stories of others, or others stories of tx, that I wanted only to hear positive things.  I think it helped mom to stay positive while here, and I knew she had my siblings to talk about the negatives IF they needed to, but I didn't want it.

The other thing...and some might think it's not a good idea, but read the threads on here about 'what NOT to say, or Stupid things people say or some such thing..... it might help to really just NOT say the old cliches about 'Stay strong, be positive, or You'll be fine'.  She needs support but not the the old sayings of everything is going to be okay, b/c we never know that, and saying it only causes a tension.