Mom's Cancer Journel

lsm_melissa

My Mom and Her Cancer!   Thinking back as a Child, My Mom was always the one Who would tell me the bad thing's would pass and then it will get better, I just have to have faith and believe.   Well, somewhere down the line I lost my faith, until today.  After a phone conversation in early 2007, she told me about a spot that came up on her left breast area, where she had a mole that was gradually getting bigger. The Skin is changing she would say, it just started out like a pin hole, then now the skin around it is discolored and tough to the touch. I expressed to her, how concerned I was about it and how I thought she needed to go in and just have a doctor look at it. She told me she went in every year for her Mammogram but this past year she hadn't gone in because of the move (they had just purchased their first new home) Finally, after almost a year passing she goes in they suggest a mammogram. It was only a day later they contacted her to tell her of the results. Was in deed Breast Cancer, that was highly treatable. With Chemo therapy. October 9th a day after her birthday she started Chemo a triple cocktail that would last for 6 months. Knowing the Bone Pain, the sickness, the hair loss, She was ready to conquer anything to get it over with and be healthy.  After more tests when the Chemo Treatment was over, she had to go through a Mastectomy. Few weeks went by they said congratulations your Breast Cancer is gone. Myself not knowing if the actual words were, gone, or remission. They took the skin graph from her leg to patch the place where she needed the tissue! Shortly after living with the pain she is told that she must do Radiation for the Skin cancer the tumors are caused by the Chemo she went through. So 30 day's of 5 day's a week once a day treatments, the radiation is so extensive it burns the area of the skin graph under her arm, during some point she gets an infection from somewhere. That seems worse than the cancer it self. So it takes it toll and takes over her entire body. She is hospitalized several times off and on during a course of weeks actually. One Hospital took x-ray's to see if the Cancer had Spread, did in deed find a few "speck's in her liver, lung's and bone cavity (left rib cage). After going home and preparing for whatever might come next. She goes to see another Doctor to tell her that the x-ray's were previously wrong, They didn't find any Speck's anywhere.  This last time, July 18th 2008, She is back in the hospital for being weak and low white blood counts as well as low blood pressure. They do more x-ray's tests, to find out that the Cancer was indeed spreading to her liver, lung's and bone. ( Stage 3 ) But, this new infection she has need's to be treated urgently, because it was very aggressive, they custom make her an antibiotic. After MORE tests, they say she has progressed (let's evaluate this word "progression in cancer" I mean why is it called progression when the only time you want to hear that word and cancer associated in the same sentence is "Your progressing nicely and you are doing much better) has moved to stage 4 all in one day! Were we are at now, She is still in ICU, obtaining breathing treatments because she can't breathe from all the fluid build up in her lung's? July 21st. The first withdraw of fluid was over a pint of fluid. Waiting on the x-ray's to show just how much fluid she has now. You would think that if a person is her last stage of Cancer, would rest easily by having her husband by her side it wouldn't be a big deal, that they would understand, not knowing their method of madness to rush him out is a little disconcerting. Today is July 25th 2008 9:30 a.m. Dad said, Mom told him she was scared, and she was very anxious. So with the morphine which seems to be the main Med. GIVE to her these day's hopefully she can rest, and feel safe once my dad can get back to her. I just don't think she wants to die alone without him.    July 26th 2008, Got to talk to Mom on the Phone today, Was a little hard but yet I was relieved to hear her voice, after talking to someone Every single day sometimes 3 times a day on the phone, it's hard to cut that down. She told me to tell Chris to take care of me, and the kids. And for me to take care of the babies. She loved me and that I should be strong. Funny she was worried about me than how she was not able to breathe very much. I love her with all my heart and my soul.  ( As I'm typing this my son comes up to me, asks me if Grandma is still stick in the hospital, I say yes, He gives me a huge squeeze and say's" I know you love her Mom") they had to give her units of blood to help make her have energy, she was up and joking around with everyone saying how she wanted coffee. Was good to hear that   July 28th 2008, Called dad to check up on Mom, I can tell he's agitated at me for not being strong enough to go see her when she's so sick. I just can't do it. I can't walk in that hospital room with her on the edge of passing, I just can't! I hear her in the back ground moaning and it's horrible, I completely break down, If it's the way it is as I hear it there is no way me, my Mom, the woman that brought me into this world on her very own birthday. Put up with me calling every single day, so none judgmental of everyone, in hard times she still found things to smile and laugh about. I can't be strong enough to face her, knowing I would never see her again. Some people are judging me I'm sure of it. But what they don't understand is my Mom and I had a very strong bond. We talked thing's out before she got this sick. I still feel the same way as I did when we talked. Her main concern was my dad, who was going to take care of him when she was gone. She was already trying to plan thing's out month's ago. She will always know I love her and Will tell my children every little detail about her and what I learned from her.  I love you Mom!  I know my dad needs to direct his anger somewhere, and it's towards the people he just doesn't understand.
July 29th,2008 I had a call this morning, Paula (my mom's cousin) that Mom had passed away this morning around 4:20 a.m. I have to be honest I first felt relieved, because of all the pain she had to endure. the sound of her yesterday morning is so haunting that I hear it so much in my head. Some people might not understand why I was unable to go see Mom when she was in the hospital, but let me tell you just this one thing and how I am feeling at this time. Knowing my Mom, Loving my Mom, and Learning from her she taught me so many thing's and it feels so empty knowing that when something good happens or bad happens I just can't pick up the phone and call her 4 times a day like I use to. When I was having a bad day maybe with the kids or an argument with Chris, Cheyenne and her grades or Brenden with how funny he has been that day what ever it might be. I made it clear to her all this time just how much important she is in my life. "Yes, I SAID IS"...She There is no way I could have seen her in that state. No way. When I. Close my eyes I see my Mom, with her long mousy brown hair, that smile. I cannot live with seeing her like that then closing my eyes every time and seeing her in pain, hurting eyes dark and not looking her self. It's OK if people don't understand my way of thinking. I have room for their judgments in my heart. My kid's will know that their grandmother, my Mom meant the world to me, and I will teach them everything she taught me with in the heart and the soul. She would never judge or say anything bad about anyone, nor will I.

wishiwere

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OneBadBoob

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