Mom has no support from Dad

monet727

My dad travels for work, and my mom was dianosed last christmas. Barely a stage II, she had a lumpectomy,  it was 2.5 cm, so they recommended chemo AND radiation... and this whole time, my dad barely calls.. she has to call HIM when she has questions about bills or somthing. Now, my mom is the strongest person I have ever met. She has never seemed to NEED anyone, except for us, her kids. She's the mother of 6, I'm the oldest, so that's probably why I feel like I need to take care of this. I'm 34, the 2 youngest kids are 23 and 21 and still live with her. She lives in St. Louis, I live in Los Angeles, I was home when she was diagnosed, I went home for the surgery, and I went home for one of the rounds of chemo.... my dad has not done ANY of that. Of course she doesn't want him to cuz they need the money from his job, but come on, he could at least take a long weekend or something. He also says he can't call because he's out in the boonies and gets no reception. But I know if that were MY husband, he'd be finding some way to use a landline to call... anyway, everytime I talk to her she sounds more and more bitter about my dad not caring. I know they always used to fight, but they had some good years too. She doesn't think very highly of him anyway, but his seemingly "uncaring" attitude about her cancer has put her over the edge... she's even mentioned divorce but then decides that would be too much effort! LOL. Anyway, My problem is I try to support her as much as I can, my siblings too. But does anyone know how to fill the void of my dad? I mean, all of us kids have said things to him, and if we do, he'll call or something, but then my mom just gets mad that he had to be "coached" into doing something for her. She figures after 35 years of marriage, he would know when she needs a little extra from him... but he doesn't. He's oblivious. It's not like he's a philandering husband at all. I think he's just lazy....

I also kinda think that because my mom's cancer wasn't immediately life-threatening, that a lot of people, my dad included, have been like, "Oh, breast cancer? Well that's easy to fix..." Even her doctors haven't been as attentive to her as she has heard from other people who had more serious stages of breast cancer.... I think she kinda feels like "well, I might not have died from it, but it's still a disease that could kill me, and it's still really scary!!" Her only fear that I ever knew of was hospitals... she hated hospitals... she was only in them 6 times - to have each of us... so that aspect alone is scary for her.  I just don't know what to do or say to make her feel better.

She's an amazing woman, and usually so very optomistic and funny! (she went to her lumbectomy wearing a hat decorated with "boobs" made out of two pink balloons!) I know it's not as bad as I feel it is, because I'm so far away. I don't see her every day, but when I talk to her, she just sounds a little bitter.  She's done with chemo, and just started 5 weeks of radiation, and she is SO over the whole thing. She wants it done.  Anyway, just thought I'd try this out and see if anyone has any words of advice. Thanks!

wishiwere

You've tried to talk to your dad, and now you are doing all you can to support your mother from afar.  That's ALL you can do.  Your parents marriage, whether it's good or bad, is NOT something you can 'fix' by talking to your dad.  IT's a 2-way street and as your mom points out, he's only THEN, calling b/c you or a sibling have goaded him.  Personally....it's nice you care enough to get involved.  Now you need to continue supporting your mom as she won't be 'over' this when the rads are done.  She'll feel the effects of chemo and radiation for some time and will need your continued support to get through that and those feelings of fear EACH time she has new tests to watch for recurrence and for follow ups.

You're a good child to your mother and that's all you can be at this point.  IF your parents marriage fails as a result of this medical condition (BC) it won't be b/c of the BC, but be/c the marraige was in trouble before.  Living the lifestyle of one spouse on the road for long terms, is difficult at best and not for the faint of heart.  I've lived it (am now), but I have seen some marriages, where I swear, the woman rather likes the man on the road, the home and in that demanding mode of being 'cared' for.  I'm not saying your family is like that, but it is curious why some stay married when the only thing binding them is the joint accounts and same address.  Sad...but true I've seen.

I hope this ISN"T the case for you mom and dad, but after so many years, they'll either make it through this, or not, and you kids aren't going to be responsible for their outcome.

That said.....is your mom involved in any support groups at her hospital or local Cancer society or anything?  She may get the support and advice she needs to voice her concerns and needs to your dad with their help.  Or even a private counselor through her insurance?  She needs a 3rd party (someone not close to the situation) to help her weed her out her expectations and help guide her through her recovery perhaps.

Kriddie

Monet,  I don't know that I can offer any advice on how to get your father more involved but I did want to offer my support to you.

My mother was dx June 2nd and had a unilateral mastectomy on June 30th.  She is getting a port next week and will be doing 6 months of chemo and probably 6 weeks of rads.  I am an only child with 2 children of my own and we are all very close to my mother.  I am doing whatever I can to make this easier/more comfortable for her but I feel it can never be enough.

My mom has never been sick before and so all of this testing and doctors and hospitals is very strange and overwhelming to her.  I have taken the role of reading and knowing as much as I can so that I can help her in making decisions during her tx.  It makes me feel better and I think it keeps her from stressing about looking at the whole picture, this way she can take it one step at a time. Fortunately, my father has been very supportive and helpful throughout.

I hope your mom finds the support she needs.

monet727

Thank you gals so much! I do want to get mom involved in support groups like wishiwere said... I think she's intimidated.  But now that I've tried it out, I know I can go to her with how cool this is. Thank you.