Feeling good -- and scared about it

JunO

I'm three years out from my diagnosis, and ever since completing treatment, I've felt ... OK. I'm sure you all know the feeling, getting by but every day you have those thoughts and worries about "what if," and they get worse when it's time for a checkup. 

About a month ago, I was suddenly more than OK. It was quite literally overnight. Physically, mentally, emotionally, creatively, I was suddenly just on a high. I can't quite put my finger on why, and in fact there are reasons why I shouldn't feel great -- we had layoffs at work (including a friend of mine) and we're all having to do much more and things still aren't looking great for the company, another friend quit and moved away, I'm having to work two jobs to pay the bills ... I'm turning 40 this year =p.

On the other hand, because of the shuffling at work and a near-dead computer, I'm sitting in a new location where I can interact a lot more with people, I've made some connections with long-lost friends and family, I'm not worried about being able to pay bills, there's a possibility of a new guy ... 

I'm enjoying feeling good, but it worries me, too. It's almost like I feel too good too fast. Am I subconsciously trying to psych myself up for something ahead, or have I turned a corner on this road?

I seem to be doing OK. I have checkups with my oncologist and surgeon next week, and I've had a blood test, chest X-ray and mammo over the last week for that. I tell myself that if there were something to be concerned about on any of those, they would have notified me by now, maybe for further tests. I was told the mammo looks OK.

I've lost weight recently. My scale was out of commission for a couple months with dead batteries, and in that time I lost nearly 10 pounds, without really doing much to try except walking my dog more after the weather warmed up.  I have had some GI problems off and on the last few weeks, more than usual. And sometimes, on the right side of my abdomen, it kinda feels like something is ... not right. If that makes sense. No pain or anything, just an off feeling sometimes.

I've been afraid to say anything about how good I feel, for fear that will jinx it. I know that's just superstition -- nothing's going to suddenly appear in my body just because I say or write something. But it's just been the bitter side of dealing with this sweet feeling.

I guess I just needed to vent somewhere where I'm not going to scare the you-know-out out of friends and family, and I knew this was the place to go. Thanks for checking in.