Feeling good -- and scared about it

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JunO
JunO Member Posts: 11
edited June 2014 in High Risk of Recurrence or Second Breast Cancer

I'm three years out from my diagnosis, and ever since completing treatment, I've felt ... OK. I'm sure you all know the feeling, getting by but every day you have those thoughts and worries about "what if," and they get worse when it's time for a checkup. 

About a month ago, I was suddenly more than OK. It was quite literally overnight. Physically, mentally, emotionally, creatively, I was suddenly just on a high. I can't quite put my finger on why, and in fact there are reasons why I shouldn't feel great -- we had layoffs at work (including a friend of mine) and we're all having to do much more and things still aren't looking great for the company, another friend quit and moved away, I'm having to work two jobs to pay the bills ... I'm turning 40 this year =p.

On the other hand, because of the shuffling at work and a near-dead computer, I'm sitting in a new location where I can interact a lot more with people, I've made some connections with long-lost friends and family, I'm not worried about being able to pay bills, there's a possibility of a new guy ... 

I'm enjoying feeling good, but it worries me, too. It's almost like I feel too good too fast. Am I subconsciously trying to psych myself up for something ahead, or have I turned a corner on this road?

I seem to be doing OK. I have checkups with my oncologist and surgeon next week, and I've had a blood test, chest X-ray and mammo over the last week for that. I tell myself that if there were something to be concerned about on any of those, they would have notified me by now, maybe for further tests. I was told the mammo looks OK.

I've lost weight recently. My scale was out of commission for a couple months with dead batteries, and in that time I lost nearly 10 pounds, without really doing much to try except walking my dog more after the weather warmed up.  I have had some GI problems off and on the last few weeks, more than usual. And sometimes, on the right side of my abdomen, it kinda feels like something is ... not right. If that makes sense. No pain or anything, just an off feeling sometimes.

I've been afraid to say anything about how good I feel, for fear that will jinx it. I know that's just superstition -- nothing's going to suddenly appear in my body just because I say or write something. But it's just been the bitter side of dealing with this sweet feeling.

I guess I just needed to vent somewhere where I'm not going to scare the you-know-out out of friends and family, and I knew this was the place to go. Thanks for checking in. 

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  • shrink
    shrink Member Posts: 936
    edited July 2008

    Sometimes I feel really, really good and I seem to forget about the fact that I've had cancer for several hours at a time.  But in the back of my mind is the other shoe, just dangling there.  I have told people how good I feel at the risk of jinxing myself.  So far, nothings happened.  I'm only 14 months past dx and have been NED since Dec. 07.  I wish you all the same.

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  • drgnfly
    drgnfly Member Posts: 111
    edited July 2008

    I am glad to hear that there is some reduction of the worrying. I want to live happily and to be hopeful about the future!

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  • wallan
    wallan Member Posts: 1,275
    edited July 2008

    Drgnfly:

      You will worry less as time goes by because your chances of recurrance decrease as time goes by.

    I too feel great and then I think... why do I feel great? Is this the calm before the storm? Is this GI thing gas or somethiing worse?  And then i can calm down and just enjoy the fact that my life is going well for now. I can. Its been 4 years and 3 months since I was told the "news" and it does get easier as time goes by. It does.

    I still do freak out and I still do have crazy thoughts and I really don't know if this will ever leave me... people can still unconsciously poke at my sore spots with insensitive comments or just their carefree way of thinking. In fact, I have a friend who was telling me all about how she is getting a breast reduction for looks and she is nervous about the surgery and all, but won't it be great to look so good after... and i honestly wanted to slap her.

    Because... I have had numerous "unwanted" surgeries since this all began. I lost my breast.. it wasn't a choice. I went into premature menopause... it wasn't my choice. I am just glad to be feeling healthy and alive and here she is going on about her body and how she wants to look sexier. And whining about it. Scared about the surgery. About the post-surgery. Come on....

    So... she poked a sore spot when really she was just looking for moral support. I never told her how I felt because my issue is not her issue. But this is the kind of thing that reminds me my life will never be the same.

    Yet, I do feel great quite alot and I just have to remind myself I am still alive, still healthy, still going-on....

    You will too.

    Wendy A

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  • dalycity
    dalycity Member Posts: 248
    edited July 2008

    Oh, JunO, I feel like that sometimes.  I felt so good, like a million $, and then I was like maybe I shouldn't feel so good! Afterall, who knows when and if the cancer will come back! Every little ache and pain makes me question what it is. However, I should enjoy each day and each good moment, no?

    I am happy for you that things are going good for you and perhaps a new man! 

    Take care! 

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  • JunO
    JunO Member Posts: 11
    edited July 2008

    Thanks, all. It's always good to get that reassurance "I'm not the only one." My checkup is tomorrow afternoon, and I'm looking forward to taking some co-workers out for ice cream afterwards to celebrate!

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  • JunO
    JunO Member Posts: 11
    edited July 2008

    Had a good report today! All the test were OK. We talked about my GI problems, and she wants me to have a colonoscopy just to make sure everything's OK. Sounds like fun!

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  • drgnfly
    drgnfly Member Posts: 111
    edited July 2008
    JunO ~~great news on your all clear from the doctor! See, talking about how good things are going did not make something bad happen! I am 15 months past my dx and I do believe that the worrying will get better. I think that when I make it past the dreaded 2 year mark (or is it 5?) I will breathe a big sigh of relief. Laughing
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  • koshka1
    koshka1 Member Posts: 678
    edited August 2008

    Hello ladies...

    Oh how I wish you were closer so I can have you over for coffee....

    I am not 1 year out from diagnosis yet....but have been having a few hard days....just can't stop thinking about it...

    Everytime I get happy and enjoy my day it is like the black cloud comes over me.......

    I am glad that I am not alone in this........

    Hugs!

    Kosh

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  • rica4
    rica4 Member Posts: 14
    edited March 2009

    Morning, I know what you mean. Every ache & pain scares the crap out of me. I had breast cancer, & i finished all my treatment June 30 2008.

    My 1st mammo was Jan 3, 2009 & everything was fine, when does the fear go away or does it ever?

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