Dealing with a dad who's losing a wife

Moko

My mother has decided to raise the white flag after almost eight years of surgeries, chemo, raditation, etc...  How i'm dealing with the thought of losing her is a completely different thing.  However, what should I do about my father?  He is watching the love of his life and best friend slowly die.  My heart bleeds for him, and I just don't know what to say or what to think.  What does he need from me? And what happens when my mother dies...how do I just leave him? Do I move in for awhile? I'm only 25 years old and just currently starting my career, so I'm trying to figure out how to deal with everything...but what about the ones you leave behind? How can I be a good, loving, supportive daughter?

faithandfifty

moko..... my heart goes out to you as you contemplate the enormity of the situation with your mother and the way in which it will effect your father. i would think that perhaps some candid conversations about the very questions and issues that you raise, might be in order.... together if you could manage it.

hearing your quandry as to how to be a supportive daughter would undoubtedly bring comfort in a time filled with sorrow. in healthy situations, i always think that honesty is the right path to take.

warm hugs for all in your family...... my prayers will include you.

xx00xx00xx00xx00xx00xx00xx 

Jerri44

Hi there. I am actually in similar shoes. I am 26 and my mom was diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer almost 3 years ago. It is hard trying to go to work everyday and have fun with friends when your mind is elsewhere. We just found out that my mom's cancer is back, and the doctors are trying to figure out what to do next since she's already had so many treatments. One of the things that has kept my parents and us kids (i'm the oldest of 3) so strong is that we have our extended family and friends close by. Actually spending as much time as possible with my mom and family, especially in social settings has helped. I honestly don't know how my dad keeps it together, but seeing how strong they are, helps the rest of us. Things like watching movies and having dinner together might seem small, but believe me, they make a difference to the mental health of all. Best wishes to you!!

fladybug

Hello,

I agree that doing things together and making memories to cherish is very important.  I would like to suggest a book that I read quite a long time ago that has helped me understand the stages of illness and given me a great peace.  I was diagnosed with Stage IV breast cancer last Sept. and will be making sure that I have a supply of those paperbacks to hand out.  The name of the book is FINAL GIFTS and is written by two hospice nurses.  I don't recall their names, but you can order the book online or it is available in the self help section of the bookstores.  Please get the book and read it as soon as possible.  You will understand what I mean after you read it.  It helps us to understand the stages a patient goes through and will give you peace of mind. You will be able to help make the transition a lot easier.  I believe your father will too.  Thank goodness you have a close-knit family.  You will be in my prayers.

DDK

Dear Moko,

I'm turning 30 this year. Mom just passed away 29th of June '08 and we are in month 3 of grieving (seems like the worse one, I'm told). I am the only daughter and have taken on my family's financial responsabilities for the past year, while dad stayed home and took care of mom (I also have a 2 yr old toddler).  As I watch dad grieve his love of 40 years, I at times go insane not knowing what to do and how to be there for him, this while coping off course with my own grief. Seeing what we have and are going through, I wouldn't let dad alone, I don't think he would've made it as far as he had. A friend of mine just lost her mom on Sunday, her dad lives alone and we fear he may take his life. We are doing everything we can to support him, but having someone living with them... I think helps. It doesn't make it easier, but it helps. 

I gave up my career to take care of mom her 1st year, dad took care of her the 2nd year. There is not right or wrong approach, no selfish or selfless act. And sometimes it sucks not to have a script to help guide you on how to do things (including grieving). 

What has helped dad a lot is our faith in God. When mom passed we felt very betrayed. But ultimately we trust and desperately need Him, and for dad, I know even when I am not there, God is.

Dear Moko, I wish I had an answer. All I know is this... even when you feel you've reached the end of your rope, and even when you think you can't handle more, you can. And as insane and impossible as it sounds, the sun will rise again... (I'm in month 3 and 10 days of grief, still waiting for it to rise, but I know it is there). 

Hugs ~ Danielle