How should I feel?

Moko

My mother was originally diagnosed with breast cancer in November 2000.  It then metastasized to her bones in January 2005.  She has been on different types of intraveinous and oral chemos since then, but has just recently been experiencing severe side effects on her particular chemo with no significant progress.  Yesterday she informed me that she has decided to stop all treatments and let God and nature take it's course.  She is completely at peace with this decision and said she has been thinking about it for a long time...it's what she wants.  She wants to spend the time she has left on this earth feeling good. But i don't know how I should feel...i'm so conflicted.

I am only 25 years old, and my mother is only 54.  I feel like she has so much more to do in her life, and there are so many things I want her to be apart of.  She is my very best friend and I can't imagine one day without her.  My older brother is 30 and married with a beautiful 1 year old daughter.  He seems ok with this decision because he has started his life...but not me. I'm very much in love with a wonderful, supportive man, but we won't be getting engaged anytime soon and I obviously have no children. There is just so much I can't imagine her not being apart of.  There is no way I will ever be able to plan a wedding without her.  How will I ever get through raising children without her advice? I know i'm being selfish about wanting her here, but I can't breathe when I think about not being able to call her up and have her there. I feel like my life has hardly begun and she won't be apart of any of it.  Plus, I live half way across the country from her and am feeling overwhelmed about how to handle that.  

How should I feel? I'm so very sad...my heart is just breaking.  But then again she is still alive and I know I need to make the best of the time I have with her.  Should I just deal with her decision, since it's what she wants and I don't want her to suffer anymore? Or should I encourage her to keep fighting the cancer for my own selfish reasons?   Help....

BFidelis

Dear Moko,

Don't really know what to say to you other than I so feel for you.  I "feel" this from both sides.  My Mom was dx Stage IV 16 years ago and passed away 15 years ago.  I lost my best friend.  I have never been the same.  I had her long enough for her to see her 2 granddaughters, but not long enough.  On the other hand, I willfully and freely "released her" from her responsibility to us so that she would not suffer.  It isn't that she wasn't a fighter or that she was giving up; I just felt I had to let her go on and that I'd just have to "deal with it."

In Oct. 2006 I was dx Stage IIb.  My 'little girls' are now in their early twenties and I am 53.  I don't want to leave them.  But if this comes back.......

One thing I found that might help (regarding how do you raise kids without her much-needed advice):  SHE HAS ALREADY TAUGHT/SHOWN/TOLD you everything you need to know.  She will never be far away from you because you WILL always be able to feel her.  You will be able to ask yourself "what would Momma say" and hear her answer.  I swear this is true.

 So "be here now" and just take each day as it comes.  You (& Momma) are going to feel lots of things.  Don't be afraid of them.  Pain is the karmic price we pay for love.  You will know what to do if you listen to your heart.  You'll be OK.  I am here for you along with lots of other people here.  Feel free to PM me any time you want.

With much love,

Beth

Analemma

Moko, I am 53 and have metastatic bc since last December.  Believe me, chemo and its side effects really take a lot from your quality of life.  I understand that your mom is exhausted and it seems that chemo has stopped working anyway, as that is what happens - the cancer mutates to adapt to the chemo.  Please let her make this choice if that is what she wants.  I know that when I was dx with mets, my husband told me that we would fight as long as I wanted to, but that he would never ask me to endure torture.  For your mom, that might be the point she is at.  It's all about quality, not quantity.  Don't make her miserable by making her feel guilty for her choice.

kysil

Hi Moko,

My mom died of pancreatic cancer in 2005.  She was 65, and I was 38.  You are right:  25 is too young to lose your mother.  I am sorry you have to experience this.

My mom's cancer had no good treatment options.  She had a very rare cancer that grew slowly but didn't respond to chemo, so we had no idea how long she'd be with us.  At the end of her life when she was so tired of fighting, I knew it was time for me to let her go, but for my own selfish reasons, I wanted to scream at her, "Don't give up!" but I didn't.  I couldn't.  I tried to make it easy on her to leave us.  

I know that next to losing one of my kids, my worst nightmare is to be diagnosed with a terminal disease and leave them young.  So I knew my mom had to be in a lot of pain to be ready to let go and let nature take it's course.  I remember being in the hospital room when the folks from Hospice came in and we had the discussion about what to do next.  When she said she was tired and just wanted to go home, I felt myself go cold.  It was like I left my body and none of this was real.  But I supported her decision even though it was the hardest thing I ever had to do.

I made the most of the time we had left.  We did stupid stuff like watch Golden Girls together and look at Hallmark ornament catalogs.  We talked about her life as a young person, my life as a young person, what she wanted for her final arrangements...all kinds of things.

As hard as this is for you, it is harder for your mom.  The best gift you can give her is to support her decision.  I am so sorry that you are having to go through this.  My prayers are with you.

Princess1214

Hi Moko,

I too was in the same position as you.  My mother was diagnosed in the 1980s with BC.  Before that she endured cysts and breast reduction.  When I found out she had BC I was terrified.  She came to me one day to look at the huge yellow-blackish bruise on her breast.  I told her she had to go right away to the doctors.  Needles to say, she had one of her breasts removed and the cancer ended up being in her lymph nodes.  I was around 24 at the time.  I did not want to lose her either as I didn't have children at the time and wanted to give her grand kids.  She went on chemo and almost died because of the side effects.  So she stopped taking that and went on Tamoxinfin (??).  This all began her long journey, and during those early times she wanted to leave this world.  In fact, had I not been checking on her during my lunch breaks from work, we would have lost her sooner.  Anyway, the years passed and mom endured reoccurance two times, radiation burns and extreme chemo treatments.  Each time, in her case, worse than the last.  And during her second bout, my sister, who was just 41 was diagnosed with ovarian cancer, and she lost her battle within the year one week before her 42nd bday.  My sister, as much as I love her and didn't want to die, was so ready to go, and she was so comfortable with that.  I had to put my feelings aside and help my sister go through the process her way and let her go.  I was going through some issues at that time, and I can tell you for a fact, that I know my sister waited until I was ok before she allowed herself to go (I wish she wouldn't have done that).  Sometimes, no matter how much it hurts, we have to respect what our loved ones want.  My mother passed away in 2005 and, prior to that, the cancer ended up in her spine and she was in so much pain that I wanted her to be at peace.  The peace she deserved after all she endured.  My mother said the same thing as your mom.  We respected her wishes and brought her home and she was so happy and so at peace.  It hurts us, I believe more than them, because we are losing a part of us with their passing.  I hope I am making sense.  My mom and my sister will always be in my heart, and I go there when I need to connect to them.  My thoughts and prayers are with you...I know that this is so tough and I am so sorry you and your family have to go through this experience.