Venting...

mymothersbaby

I'm not sure why I'm posting this. I don't really have a question. I guess I'm just looking for somewhere to vent what I have been feeling the past few weeks/months. I'm probably going to ramble alot so I'm sorry for that. I just need to get these things out of my head.

My mom has stage four cancer. It started in her breast (found in 12/05) but has since moved to her kidneys, lungs, and has been found in the fluid around her heart. The breast cancer was inflamitory (sorry if I am spelling these things wrong) so you could see it on the skin on her breast. Even after both breasts were removed, the redness and strange skin texture slowly started to return. You can now see it on her back, chest, and stomach. Her kidney's both have blockages and so she has tubes going to both to drain her urine away. She's had those for several months now and they don't think they will go away. She used to have issues with fluid in her lungs and in the sac around her heart, but after several surgeries that has stayed at bay as of late. Her legs, feet, and ankles still swell up when she walks around for too long. Its become very hard for her to walk lately anyways. When she does leave the house (which is pretty much only for doctors appointments) she uses a scooter someone thankfully gave her. Her latest problem is that she has a hard time breathing. Her doctor says that it is just due to the progression of the cancer into her lungs and other than giving her oxygen, there isn't much they can do. So the oxygen tank is supossed to arrive sometime this week.

In April they gave her 6 months. Now that its July that would put it down to 3. Last Friday was her last chemo treatment. Her and her doctor feel that it isn't slowing the spread and that its just going to make her final days more miserable than they have to be. They are talking about calling hospice care to make her as comfortable as possible.

When I was growing up she was alway so strong... Super mom. She was a single mother from the time I was 8. Money was always tight but we always had fun. For a long time we could only afford a one bedroom apartment and shared our space together very closely. You can imagine how close we are. I look just like her. I used to get mad when people would say that to me, but now I find comfort in finding our similarities. Its so hard for me to see her like this. Some times I find myself not wanting to go visit or call because of how miserable she is but I force myself to anyways. I know if I don't go now I'll regret it later. And I know she is always glad to hear from/see me. Even if she is feeling bad that day. Now more than ever I can see fear in her eyes. I know she's tired of fighting this battle but I can see in her that she's not ready to leave quite yet. When they were talking about whether or not to stop chemo last week she asked me what I thought she should do. I told her I'd rather see her have 3-4 good months than 5-6 miserable ones due to the side effects.

 Its the little things that get me... like we used to watch CSI together. That was her favorite show. She recently told me she can't watch it any more because she's bothered by all the dead bodies. She can't bring herself to look at them. Or like... the other day she said she had something she wanted me to see so I came over. She's working on making baby blankets for my children since she won't be here when I have them. Its just been really hard.

 I feel like we are just waiting. And the recent mentions of hospice care just make that feeling worse.

I guess there is nothing else to do but keep loving her and being there for her.

Thanks for letting me vent on your site.

LUVmy2girlZ

mymothersbaby ~

I am so sorry to hear about your mother...cancer effects everyone.   Its extremely hard when one faces and knows their own mortality.  No one knows...but when diagnosed its hard on everyone.  I am unfamiliar w/ IBC...yet, I know its one of the most difficult.

Enjoy your time with your mother...hopefully some of her therapy will slow her progression.

Hospice is very very important....you will find that they can help with so many angles...and its not "the end" when Hospice is called in...lots of people have Hospice and its only to help everyone out so life can be a little easier.

It is too hard no one can relate with you unless they are in the same shoes.  Take it slowly day by day and keep the faith.

 Your mother would want you to be happy...  Focus on the now and make sure she is comfortable...this will help immensely.

 There are others with stage IV that may come along and lend a helpful hand and they are indeed survivors!

Much LUV

badboob67

Mymothersbaby,

I am so sorry about what is happening to you and your mother. My heart breaks for you and what you are going through.

We have several people here on the boards whose mothers are dealing with stage IV cancer. If you post a comment on the "recurrance and metastatic disease" section of the boards, they are more likely to see your messages.

I will keep you and your mother in my thoughts and prayers.

(((HUGS)))
Diane

sadinbaltimore

I am praying for you.

mymothersbaby

Yesterday was a great day. She has started to take morphine twice a day, everyday, just to make her feel a little better. She's been doing that for a little over a week now and it is making a difference. We went OUT to lunch yesterday and had Chinese food at one of her favorite places. Then I took her grocery shopping for things that she needs. I was so excited just to go anywhere with her. I'm so glad this is letting her be able to get out of the house.

She told me yesterday that she has become afraid of the dark. She has to sleep with the lights on. I can't imagine being afraid to leave the light... like it wouldn't come back. That one statement really stuck in my head. But I'm trying to focus on all the positives of yesterday.

She finished the little baby boy blanket yesterday. Its beautiful. I need to go to the store and get the pink for the girl blanket.

Thanks to all the comments that were left. It really helps to know other people are out there that have been here.

spar2

What a wonderful daughter you are and I know your mother appreciates it.  You are doing the right thing, just be there for her and thank goodness the morphine makes her feel better.  Is hospice comes in they will make sure she is not in any pain.  I am praying for you and your family.  Take lots of pictures so you will have them for your children when they do come along.

irishdreama

Mymothersbaby

I know how hard this is, I took care of my mom at home until she passed away  from Kidney cancer in 2000. I wouldn't have been able to keep her at home without the help of Hospice, as I had to work full time, had custody of an emotionally ill nephew, had my own 2 year old, and a drug addict husband. LET PEOPLE HELP YOU! And spar2 is right-take lots of pictures. My mom hated to get her picture taken, so unfortunately, most of the pictures I have of her are after her diagnosis, and she's not looking like her old self. I keep my Mom's memory alive through the photo albums I have, so my daughter, who I involved in her care to a certain extent, will remember her. I'm praying for your family, please let us know how things are going.

mymothersbaby

Thank you spar2 and irishdreama for your comments.

 This weekend had ups and downs. The ups came on Saturday. I went over to pick her up. We had lunch at chick fil a. Then we went to Hobby Lobby and looked at Christmas decorations. I had said that as soon as they start putting them on the shelves, we are going. I'm glad we went. Before, she wouldn't go out places because she would have to be in a scooter or a wheel chair, but now I think she values her time with me more than how she looks in the store. I didn't mind one bit having to push her around in there. And at times, it was some what comical. Then I took her home where we sat and talked for a while.

Last night, Sunday night, she called me. The tubes that drain her kidneys seemed to stop working. She had to go back to depends. She called me scared and didn't know if she should go into the ER or wait until the morning and try to call her doctor. I told her since she was in no pain from it, that I would wait til the morning. We both know that she can't handle the ER unless they get her in a bed right away. And seeing as how it is a county hospital, thats not going to happen. She started to cry a little and said she doesn't understand how she can have a great day like the one we had on Saturday and then the very next day have such a horrible day. She said she had been having pains and alot of trouble breathing. She had been on the oxygen machine hoping that would help her. I hope it does. She was going to get back on it when she got off the phone with me.

mymothersbaby

Moms CTs are today.

This is the big one. Hopefully we will have results by Thursday. She has a good relationship with her Onc. Dr so she should call and let her know with our having to wait two weeks for an appointment.

Pray for this to go well. Whatever the results, it will be good just to have answers about whats going on rather than just wondering.

spar2

Let us know how things go.  Thinking of you.

snowyday

I'm sorry for you and your mom, it must be so hard.  I will pray for you both.

mymothersbaby

Results are in. 

Good and bad. Depends on how you look at it I guess.

Her lasts ones were in January, so thats what we are comparing today's results to.

Lungs: same

Ovaries: same

Liver: more than doubled

**new spots** Stomach lining: spots.

They are scheduling her for a new kind of chemo next Wed. She has between now and then to deside if she is going to continue with it or stop. Her doctor told her that once it has a hold of your liver, it doesn't ever want to let go.

She told me today that she is starting to have panic attacks about little things that normally wouldn't panic her. And she is becoming claustrphobic.

I told her that I had a job interview today for a better position with in my company but it would mean that I might have to work from 10-1 on some Saturdays. She started to freak out because she thought she wouldn't get to see me anymore. I hate trying not to cry in the office.

mymothersbaby

This weekend went well. I went over to see my mom Saturday morning. We went and ate at El Phenix. Afterwords we went to the grocery store where she picked up some things things she needed. She was in one of those electric scooters that walmart provides. We kept laughing because she hasn't quite gotten the hang of those yet and she kept bumping into things. lol

That evening I spent over an hour walking around Target. I just knew that there was something that I needed to do for her but it just wasn't coming to me. Then it hit! Greeting cards! Haha. I spent $50 on greeting cards. Inspirational. Religious. Funny. Cute. All kinds. I've put a bible verse in each one to encourage her. I've signed them and put funny notes in them. I took them to church with me on Sunday and let people know that she wasn't doing well and needed some encouragement and prayer and asked if they would sign a few of the cards. My plan is to send her one every day so that everyday she'll have a different bit of encouragement coming her way. Alot of people that I asked huged me and said that they would sign every single one of them. They wrote messages and left names and numbers if she ever needed anything. I ended up being encouraged by trying to encourage her! I plan to send the first one out tomorrow once I get them all done. I'm not sure how long I'll keep doing them, but I am really excited about this.

A good friend of ours named Dorothy called me at 8 this morning and said that she had been thinking about me and my mom since yesterday when I saw her at church. She said that she was listening to a Christian radio station that she and her husband listen to every morning and they had a man on this morning talking about helping encourage cancer patients. She said that she would have normally just turned it down until the music came back on but she kept listening today. He was taking calls and giving advice. He had writen a book and was giving away a gift package with some inspiritional music and scriptures as well as his book. So Dorothy picked up the phone, called in and won! She was so exicted. She called me and told me all about it. She's gonna go to the station and pick it up to give to my mom this week. She told me that she really believes that his was sent from God. She made me cry with how passionate she was about it.

sandeefeet

Mymothersbaby,

You and I have similiar situations. My mom too was a single mother while the three of us were growing up. Very stong and independant. My mom moved to WV years ago to be near my Grandmother, who is now a 20 year BC survivor. My moms diagnosis: DX 10/6/05, IDC, 4CM, STAGE IV, METS, ER+/PR+, HER2+ . She had the left mastectomy in Jan '06. She was informed Aug '07 she had bone mets then lung mets and also liver mets. My family and I had been working to find a house big enough to move my mom here. We went to visit her last month, June 16th, She was in horrible condition when we got there. Her lungs were so full of fluid when I took her to her chemo treatment on the 18th they admitted right in to the hosiptal.  My husband and younger son had to come back home after a week so my husband could return to work. My mom was in the hospital for ten days, between her three doctors they said she had 3 months left, maybe more maybe less. The one Dr. had hosice interview her while the Onc. said he didn't feel she needed that right now and to go ahead and try another chemo. Once my mom was released from the hospital many members from our family came up to WV helped me finish packing her house and moved her here to FL and in with us. She has to be on oxygen 24/7. I took her to her knew oncologist, who she absolutely loves. The Onc. wants to know where she can purchase the same crystal balls the docs in WV were using. My mom started her new chemo last Monday, Xeloda, a pill. Her viens are shot so IV is too difficult and her lungs are still too weak to put a port in. She is so much happier and stronger right now, it's awesome. She is still very weak, tires easily and can't be off the oxygen long but just seeing her so happy is great!!!

 I loved your card idea!!! My mom has a ton of friends in WV and just about everyday she gets a card or two in the mail from them and it makes her day!!!

 My thoughts are with your mom, you and your family!!!!!

mymothersbaby

I thought if anyone here has been fallowing my story, you might want to know, my mom passed away last wendsday, August 13th

AnnNYC

Mymothersbaby, I'm so sorry for all you have been through.  My condolences, thoughts and prayers are with you and your family,
Ann

Kriddie

I'm so very sorry to hear this.  I hope you and your family can find peace.

Kristin

kathimdgd

I'm sooooooooooooo sorry to hear this.I pray that God gives you the strength to get you through these next weeks and months.Hang onto all the good memories you have made.

My sincere condolences to you.

kathi

cjh

I am so sorry to hear about you Mom.  I have been following your story as I too lost my mother to cancer when I was in my teens and now it looks like my daughter could too.

I was close to my mother and have felt her with me since she passed.  I just know a mothers love finds a way to survive physical death.

 You were so kind and thoughtful to her in her final days, she must be so proud of the love she shared with you.

CJ

PS I have started baby blankets for my grandchildren to be, what a great idea you mom had!  I hope to give them in person, but just in case, it feels therpeutic to be doing something for the future.

Lostris

I'm truely sorry for your loss.. my own mother died April 19th from breast cancer. It started in one breast, moved to the other, then moved to her liver as well all in a period of 6 years. I know that at this point, you probably do not want to hear what other people think. I know I didn't. Everyone at my mother's funeral told me what I SHOULD think about and feel. I want to tell you it's ok to feel what you want to feel at this point. However, I think it's so lovely your mom had the foresight to make blankets for your future kids and THEY are lucky to have had such a wonderful grandmother who was looking out for them even before they were born. My condolences to you, truely.

mymothersbaby

I don't think its quite sunk in. I know its been almost 3 weeks. But... its like I still excpect her to call me any time now. They said that I can wait to pick up her ashes until the death certificates come in, but I'm starting to feel guilt that she's just sitting there in someones office. Someone she doesn't know. But at the same time, I think if I go pick them up... and I'm standing there holding them. Driving them home. Taking them out of the car. That its going to become real. And that scares me.

wishiwere

Oh sweet, dear my mothersbaby....I so wish one of us was there to be with yu when you go to get your mom and bring her home.  Dear sweet lady...I hope you have someone that can go with you for this trip when it comes.  I can only imagine the pain, and sorrow you are feeling right now.  I didn't see this thread till now and feel bad about that, but am glad you others to walk with you down this road.  Is there someone from your church, a preacher or friend that would go with you?

So many {{{hugs}}} and prayers will be offered up for you both, but you especially, b/c I'm sure your mother is situated right next to other family and friends who've gone before her.  Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers.