My mom has cancer again

virgo21

It was a year ago that my mom was told she had breastcancer. It was stage 2 and aggressive. She had a mascetemy but because of her health both mentally and physically she was unable to do kemo. Now they have found a mass on her kidneys and are doing a biospy next week, although they are pretty sure that it is cancer. I am at a complete lost and don't know what to do now. The doctor says that surgery really isn't an option but radiation and different forms of kemo might be. Can someone lend me some advise or encouragement because I feel defeated. Thanks!

AnnNYC

Virgo21,

I'm sorry this is happening.  Do you live with or near your mother?  Has her physical and mental health improved since a year ago when she was unable to do chemo?  It sounds like you and she are dealing with a lot of issues -- and maybe have been for a long time.  These are the situations where it is hardest, and yet MOST important, to take one day at a time, one thing at a time.

The first thing, I think, is to WAIT until you learn the biopsy results.  That kind of waiting is so difficult, I know.  But until then, a lot of this is just guessing.

I wonder -- what are your mom's other health problems?  How old is she, how old are you?  Are there other family members who can be supportive?  What are your own job, family, school responsibilities?  I am concerned that you may be 21 (from your screen name) and may have been taking care of your mom for a while -- that's a heavy burden, and you sound like you have been very responsible towards your mom -- with all of that responsibility, I hope you are able to carve out areas of your life that are about YOU, and your enjoyment.  That is not wrong to do, and it may help strengthen you against feeling defeated, and replenish you so you can be there for your mom.

Hugs,

Ann

CynT48

Hi,

Just found this website.  My mom was diagnosed with Cancer last summer, went through chemo, radiation and was doing pretty well. Then it came back and they say it is in her liver and neck.  She is going through chemo right now and having a very hard time- really sick, hurting alot.  She is a tough person and hasn't really complained about pain ever even though my Mom has been through a lot in her life- a major car accident - brain injury- siezures etc.  This is the first time I've ever heard her say how much pain she is having and nothing is working.  I think our family is in denial about how serious this is.  I haven't talked to the doctors and my parents are the type to do whatever the Doctor says-  Do you think if it is in the liver that means she only has a few months to live and we should just get hospice involved and start planning for the worst?  

Not sure what to do?

Cynthia 

virgo21

My mom is bi-polar and has been in and out of hospitals my whole life. I'm now 31 married but I have always taken care of her. She's married and doesn't live with us but I talk to her and see her all the time. She did try to do kemo but I don't know if it was the stress mentally or if kemo interfered with mental medicine but she had a manic episode and spent over a month in the hospital. Now with the possiblilty that cancer has spread I have no answers for her or myself. My major worry is that her mental health will worsen and she won't recover from that. Even though I have brothers and a sister and I have always taken the role of care taker. I just want this to be over and my mom cancer free.

AnnNYC

Oh virgo21, that's really hard.  I really hope the results of the kidney biopsy are benign, rather than what the doctor is predicting.

If she does need chemo -- if she goes to a major cancer center, they may have a social worker who can help coordinate her care, and work with you?

(About the manic episode -- I'm wondering if it was triggered by the steroid dexamethasone/decadron.  It is given along with chemo to help prevent allergic and inflammatory reactions -- and probably for some other reasons I'm not clear on -- but it can induce mania even in people who are NOT bipolar.  Maybe -- if chemo is needed -- there is some chemo she could be given that would not require decadron, or a lower dose of decadron could be used, or some special timing of decadron along with a mood stabilizer like lithium or depakote?)

Anyway, I'm wishing the best for you and your mom,

Hugs,

Ann

kisersassy

Cyn I so feel for you, I posted in another place about my family.  Its like they are in denial of the seriousness of this issue, especially my grandpa. What makes it hard is I live in Florida and grandparents in WV.  I work down here for my Aunt who is now up there on vacation.  She is making me feel guilty because I am taking time off work to go up there and take care of HER parents!!! You would think she would be greatful that the burden is not hers. I dont mean that to be insensitive because I love my grandparents very much and I am really close to them.  I am not doing this for me I am doing it for them.

Rhonda

virgo21

I understand the family being in denial. My oldest brother lives out of state but when I called to tell him the news, it was like he just didn't get how serious this could be. I know that men handle things so differently then women but some emotion would be nice. I get so mad at all of them at times because they want me to do all of this..get test done, get the results, etc. Then I feel guilty that I get upset because this is my mom after all. Do you feel like that or is it just me?

kisersassy

I know certain members of my family is pushing her to take the meds, while some like me has been advised that the chemo will kill her faster.  i want my grandma to live 100 more years just like they do, but I think it is insensitive of them to tell me when or when not to come to be with her.  My aunt that is up there lives down here in florida where I live, she went up there on vacation, not to take care of my grandparents.  I want to go take care of them. I have sent the family a lot of information that I have researched and some of the Second Opinions from like John Hopkins University but they dont believe anything or anyone. this is very frustrating to me as my Aunt then has a way to make me feel guilty about my decision to come up there and help my grandma. Because I work for my Aunt she kind of holds that over my head. and now that I am coming up there she said well because I wont be working 30 hours a week i have to start paying my own health insurance (she pays it as part of a company benefit program).  this broke my heart when she said that as not only am I going to take care of my grandparents but these are HER PARENTS!!!

Ugh lol

thanks for listening

Rhonda

kisersassy

Oh and another point, I think it would cost way more then what she pays for my health insurance for the family to hire someone who would be a stranger to step in and stay with them 24/7

okiegolfer

i am new to this site, but have been here most of the day reading.  My mother was dx in May 08 ( bc July 07) with mets in bone in skull and ribs, we are waiting on results of ct of chest and torso tomarrow.  I am 44 and have taken care of my mother most of my life. I came here looking for support and understanding.  we have so much in comon and it does help to know that we are not alone in this.  Thank you to everyone here for sharing.

virgo21

Took my mom to do the biopsy but where the mass is at they weren't able to do it. Now they are doing blood test and we have to wait for the results. This is crazy what if all of this waiting is putting my mom at greater risk?

sandeefeet

Boy, I've been reading this board for months now and posted here and there but it's amazing to read today how much a lot of us all have in common. my mom had the left mastectomy Jan '06, had chemo x4 at that time then was diagnosed with mets last year, bone, lung and liver. She did more Taxol earlier in the year. I live in FL she lived in WV with my 84yo Grandmother who's a 20year BC survivor. When we went to visit my mom last month the onc admitted her in the hospital for 10 days because of fluid on her lungs. When she was strong enough I brought her back home to FL with my family and I. I do have two younger siblings but they can barely take care of their selves.

Rhonda, you follow your heart and do what you think is best. If you do that I believe you can't go wrong!!!

Virgo21, I'm a Virgo too, Bday is Sept 22nd, my son is the 23rd.

Cynthia, No one not even a doctor can really say for sure, they're not God. The Dr's in WV told my mom she has only months left, her new onc her in FL said she'd like to know where they got their crystal balls!!!!

 Keep the faith ladies, keep strong for your loved ones and take one day at a time!!!!!