To tell or not to tell

skabetti5

To tell or not to tell

skabetti5

Hi everyone,

It's been awhile since I've posted here, but I'm struggling with a new issue that I need some sisterly advice for.  I've recently started a new job that I love and am surrounded by very cool, supportive people.  The issue is that none of them know that I'm a survivor.  I loved the "level playing field" of them not knowing for the first couple months.  It made me feel like one of the gang again.

But lately, it feels like I'm hiding a big part of my life from these people -- many of which I would like to develop friendships with.  They have no idea, but I'm sure they can sense I'm holding something back and I feel like I'm living a lie.

I don't want my survivorship to define me...and yet, it's a large part of the reason I am who I am today.  I had some discrimination about my illness at my last job and I really can't bear for that to happen again.  I'm feeling great and often strong & powerful...but I'm struggling on this one.

What would you do/what have you done?

Thanks and health & happiness to all!

skabetti 

Ulla

dear skabetti..

if i was u i would choos to live normal and keep my mind as long as i can away from BC,,

u can develope all ur friendships,,without u need to tell ur friends ur medical history,,

honey live ur life,,and dont bother urself with telling ur illness story,,

u r a survivor,,so just live it

abbadoodles

I agree with Ulla.  I've never told friends (except for two and trustworthy ones) or relatives and it never was a problem for me in my relationships.  The best policy is a "need to know" basis, IMO.  You do whatever works for you.

pinoideae

I cannot say which route you should go.  After my reconstruction recovery I am going back to looking for a new job and I will not share my bc experience with my new coworkers.  I would not share an appendectomy, tonsilectomy, or botox injections either.  Just my way.  HOWEVER, happy as h*** to have this website to share and learn from my and others' experiences who have "been there done that".  Thank you breastcancer.org

lilgrace

I'd say tell those you feel you need to tell.   If that is everyone, then so be it.   If it is only a select handful, that's fine too.   I informed my boss, mostly because I needed to work less hours (thankfully I work from home), but I told her that I don't want pity, or a change in attitude towards me - I want to take on what I can handle, nothing more, nothing less.   I didn't tell my coworkers, and they still don't know.   I couldn't stand the change in attitude I saw in my close family members, the sad eyes and funeral faces.  Sometimes that would make me more mad than having BC in the first place.  In the end I think my boss respected me for being honest, but I'm glad I told her I don't want to be treated any more differently than necessary...  mostly in work hours    It is tricky for me to figure out exactly how much I could handle and each day is widely different and hard to predict... but if you are well on your way past recovery then it should not be an issue and shouldn't effect your work I would hope...  I can't say my experiences with that yet.

 If honesty is your policy and you must tell everyone in the office, be sure to tell them exactly what you do not want as a response, because after telling people I realized - no one knows what the right reaction is, and I think each survivor wants different reactions.   Some want comfort, some want normalcy, some want space.   So because it is tricky, I don't think it's out of place to go ahead and be honest about how you don't want to be treated, because this will help others figure out how to "cope" with the issue without feeling like they may be annoying you or stepping on your toes.    I think in these situations it isn't a bad thing, if you're going to tell them about it, to also be honest about how you feel and what bugs you when others know about it.

NarberthMom

I have had a analogous situation when my son started 1st grade in a new school and I was meeting a whole new set of moms. So far, I've only told a few moms with whom I thought I would be friends.  I'm certainly not going to be bosum-buddies (pun intended!) with all of the moms of my son's friends!

hooptiedoo

I feel my survivor status is just too personal an issue to share with everyone. I also worry that common knowledge I'm a survivor might hurt my chances of getting another job if I needed to. If you make friends with someone and get truly close and want to share the info, that's one thing. But I really don't understand why you feel you're "living a lie" and "holding back information" just because you don't tell you're co-workers you're a survivor. It's nobody's business and some might even feel uncomfortable that you shared something so personal. And you are so much more than just a survivor. Relax and enjoy your great new job. When the time is right, you'll know when to share and when not to..