Sadness after treatment?

Linda1

Hello, everyone,

I'm happy to have found this discussion.  In a nutshell, I was diagnosed w. DCIS in March '07, ended up having a mastectomy in June '07, did chemo ending in Dec. '07, just had my reconstruction surgery in April '08.  Through it all, everyone has commented on how well I've handled it all.  I wasn't depressed or angry or afraid, the waterworks (crying) didn't come on.  I just kept researching it all, making decisions and continued going forward.  But starting this past spring I just felt lost....sad with no reason, unmotivated.  As someone who has dealt with chronic depression my whole  life, I knew that's what I was running into.  I think I'm slowly starting to pull out of it, but it's taking a long time.  After dealing so well with the diagnosis and treatments, I wasn't expecting this down time, and it's been hard to figure out what to do.  It's such a relief to find out that others have dealt with the same feelings.

Thanks for letting me ramble on so, and thank you all for being here with me!

Linda 

srissman

Phyllis,

 Your experience is very similar to mine in terms of diagnosis.  DCIS with no chemo or radiation.  I'm three weeks out from surgery (bilateral mastectomy) and start recon. next week.  This morning I broke down unexpectedly and could NOT get on top of it.  I feel so lucky to have avoided a more advanced form of cancer and am truly excited about my reconstruction.  But the depressive spell I had this a.m. just scared me to death.  I actually went back to bed at 9:00 a.m. and would've stayed there all day if I could.  My question is "when is it okay to cry it out, and when is it unhealthy?  How can I tell if I need an anti-depressant?  As I said, it's only been three weeks, and I've actually been (at times) euphoric over my non-invasive, curable and low grade DCIS.  But the feeling of gratitude is giving way to this dark and scary depression.  I'm married to a pathologist, so I have a wonderful educator who has reassured me that my cancer was cured by the surgery.  I hate the disfigurement, but feel reconstruction will help me deal with that.  Hell, I never really cared about my breasts before this happened, so my sadness is surprising and scaring me.  I truly value the perspectives I've read tonight on this site and feel the only folks who understand belong to this sorority of cancer survivors.  Many thanks to everyone who has the courage and generousity to share their experiences.  Susie

srissman

Hi Kitty,

I appreciated your comments and wanted to ask how your "fills" went.  I'm starting mine in a few days after a bilateral 3 weeks ago, and I've read and heard lots of scary stories about pain.  Any advice?  I also have been pretty miserable emotionally, which today really scared me.  I simply could not get a grip...cried for a couple of hours.  I feel so blessed to have the best possible diagnosis, and I feel guilty for being sad when I should be grateful.  Thanks for your thoughts.  Susie

Dansmom

It's been a month since I finished treatment.  I'm on Arimidex and I'm starting to have achy stiff hands - and it's sinking in that even though it's "behind me" it's not behind me.  Meanwhile it just doesn't feel right to be sad or let people know that I'm still coping.  I've been seeing a psychiatrist once a month and it's wonderful to be able to go in there and just talk about how I'm doing without worrying about whether it's right or not.  She's also helping me figure out about medication.  My insurance barely covers it, but it's worth it to me.  There are all these reminders - especially now with my hands aching - it keeps reminding me and I still can't believe it!  Five months since my diagnosis and in many ways I'm as shocked as ever that this did happen and is happening.

PhyllisCC

Susie,

 I had my mast in November, my "good" reports by first week in Jan and by the third week I was crying like crazy.  It was my PS that suggested I talk to my regular doctor who recommended Effexor.  I really didn't want to take anything but gave it a try.  It was subtle, but I was much better and didn't feel that much different...other than I wasn't crying at crazy times.  I'm still taking it but plan to stop this fall.  I'm feeling good, had my exchange 5/29 and leave tomorrow for a week at the beach with my family.  And I look okay in a bathing suit. Stay well.  Things get better.  Phyllis.

colleenS

Wow!  I am overwhelmed by the responses to my post.  I hadn't checked in since a couple days after the post.  Knowing that so many of you feel exactly as I do really helps ease the lonliness.   I'm not as teary as I was when I posted, but I do continue to wonder what "normal" is after all of this.   This is the time that we need support and as you've said, this is when people treat us like it's all over.  For me, it feels like it is just beginning.

Thanks everyone for your support!

movin

I had the same response to the Arimidex I ended up having steriod shots in my neck to help the pain. Switching to Tamoxifen was a huge help I still have the extreme hot flashes infact I think I live on a thermal roller coaster but no more joint pain and in March of 2009 I am done the tamoxifen too!!!  WOO HOOO 

disco3

What a relief thought I was going crazy, I finished my rad in jan 09 , and thought tick that off the list now its time to get back to normal , as I have always had a positive outlook on life.

Over the last couple of months I just feel so low and emotionally drained , after reading some of the posts. I have found the same response from family and friends who have always seen you as strong and able to cope with all situations, at the present I "do not feel strong " and I don't feel like pretending I am.

Today is a bad day I know from my experiences over the past 8 mths since my DCIS diagnosis ,the  good days are the ones I try hard to reflect on.

Deirdre1

Yup I'm afraid it is a very sad time - trying to adjust and it feels like there will never be even a "new normal".. I am 2+ year out now from a bi-lateral and I too have been sad all this time (it is starting to come and go a bit so it feels like I might be heading in the right direction!).. Some people don't go through this "saddness" and that is wonderful for them, really!  But many of us do and then we are considered "cured" for all intense and purpose and yet we have a loss that is unquantifiable that other's just don't get!  It hurts like hell and through time it gets a small bit better but for me I am still not completely "right".. and I truly don't have any answers except I believe (and of course this is after the fact) that women with this dx should be given a therapist the way we are assigned an oncologist or a breast surgeon but that almost never happens (I say almost because I have heard that it does seem to be protocol for some of the larger "cancer" centers) someone who can help us with the stress and sheer trauma to our psychological self as well as to our physical self..  I've found meditation to be helpful - it has been helpful through other traumas too, but if I didn't have a therapist now I think I'd still be at the bottom of the black hole instead of struggling with the climb back into the light..  I hope you all find a way to "heal" and have a peace that we all deserve!  Deirdre

fransavin

I found whenever you feel sad- you should write down everything that is good in your life- sunshine, happiness, family, if you have job- friends, a favorite song, tv show, -turn on the tv- and watch funny shows or dance to a favorite song. There are times when I get depressed and then I think about the good things in life-it makes me smile. I also have Lupus and Crohns-which I have had over 28 years- When I was first diagnose with Lupus- I was given 5 years to live- I am still doing my thing- nagging my daughters and having fun with my granddaughters. Enjoy life each day.-

kmccraw423

It is so hard - I think I walked through a fog, putting one foot in front of the other, getting done what had to be done - you know, tests, diagnosis, consultation.  Now that it is over I am so sad.  Mine might be a touch of PTS but also just good old fashioned depression.  I have never been one to look on the bright side until I've gotten a really good look at the worse case scenerio.  I am going to see about therapy.

desdemona222b

I think it's shell-shock.  Takes a lot of energy to brave treatment, then when it's over, you're emotionally and physically sapped.  It DOES get better in time though. 

Deirdre1

Fransavin:  Yes writing our feelings does help a bit and always (IMO) put a positive right beside the negative.. For example.. I had a bi-lateral mx  - I am now cancer free! (please God)

kmccraw423:  I really do think that therapy has helped..I was not much for it until I found that I couldn't seem to climb out of this "black hole" the way I always could before.. It doesn't mean you are crazy or unbalanced it means that you have been through a great deal and if there is any way that can help then it needs to be utilized..  It takes a strong person to say I can't get through this myself!

I think I've said many times before (sorry for all of you who might be sick of it - as was implied by one women who pm'ed me) I believe women (and men) with a dx that could include a mastectomy (and a lump. for that matter) should be assigned a therapist just the way we are assigned an oncologist or a breast surgeon.  Yes the major problem is physical but the long term effects can be physical AND psychological as well!  

Bet of luck km!

kmccraw423

Dierdre1:  I don't know that I would have accepted a therapist at the beginning of this journey.  Unfortuantely, I thought I was handling it just fine but what did I know.  You are right, however, in that we should have been assigned one whether we wanted it or not.  At least we would have a name of someone who could help us.  I am sure insurance wouldn't pay for this.  Thanks for your warm words.

Deirdre1

You're welcome - I hope it all works out for you!  And mabe we will both smile again soon!!!

easyquilts

Oh yeah...I totallly get you.....I had a lumpectomy last June, followed by rads that ended the first of September....Like you, I breezed through it all, although I was a mess 'till I had a plan of action.

Then...When I was no longer seeing doctors, or having any kind of treatments, the depression hit.  I had been taking Lexapro since August (at my Dr.'s insistence), but even so, the saddness was hard to take.

I actually felt better when six months was up, and the round of doctors began again....I was doing something, and that felt good.

Now I am taking Welbutrin (Lexaapro put weight on me), and am doing OK...I still know that no on suspects how sad I get....mostly because there is no one I can really talk to...No one gets it.. Not even my husband of 41 years.  

So...It is quite normal to feel sad or depressed when treatments end....You feel all alone out there, with no support...Everyone assumes that you are "fine"....Maybe you think that too...But you aren't, and in your quieter moments, you know it.

Keep coming here to talk....It will help a lot, because we "get it"....

Sandy from Cincinnati

kmccraw423

 Saw my PCP today.  He tells me I should be okay in about 6 months.  I told him I wasn't okay before so I don't know why he thought time would help.  I starting therapy in two weeks and hope that does the trick.  Thank you all for your encouragement.  It does help.

Beesie

Bumping.