A 'job'? A 'career'? Does it matter?

Jaybird627

A 'job'? A 'career'? Does it matter?

Jaybird627

Okay, so we've already discussed literary dealbreakers. What about employment dealbreakers? Am I the only one who judges a man by what he does (or doesn't do?)?

My ex-husb has an MBA but as far as I know he still hasn't put it to much good use. (we met as door-to-door canvassers for Greenpeace). I have just spoken to a guy (from a dating web site) who told me that he 'hosts' karaoke as a job. Huh. I guess it's a good gig? He also mentioned being a bike messenger for 10 years some time prior to his current job/vocation.

Why does this bother me? He's a Buddhist which may explain some of it, and he races his bicycle so he's smart and athletic so should how he makes his money really matter? But, he's 42, not  a boy-toy of 22, and I guess I expect 'more' from older men? Opinions please.

AnnNYC

Jaybird -- are you looking for a casual relationship?  Bike-boy is probably in better physical shape than a lot of 42-year-olds!  He also might have more time to hang out, and more flexibility in his time.  Those could be the upsides.

Then again, I may be defending myself!  I myself have definitely been an "underachiever" in the professional/employment sense -- so I think it's entirely possible he may be someone with a lot to offer!  Of course, he may just be immature and a slacker -- but I'd still be inclined to say give yourself a chance to find out whether you enjoy his company or not...

[OTOH, even though I said I'm an "underachiever" -- I've held down a job at the same medical research center for 22 years, which provided benefits for my family, etc. -- I guess that's a bit more substantial than "karaoke host"...]

LisaSDCA

Jaybird, I agree with Ann that he may have some benefits (flexible schedule, fabulous quads, etc.), but I also like to have a man who is intellectually engaged. It doesn't have to be in his career - I dated a guy for a while who did yacht maintenance for spending money, but he was writing a book on his own time. Uhm, he was 29 also, not 42. I don't think you are being a snob for thinking 'karaoke host' is not the sort of thing a grown man considers a 'career' - if it matters to you, it matters.

I lived for a while in a small town where three of the hottest looking young men all came from the same family. All tall, athletic, steely blue eyes, dark wavy hair, nice Irish dimples. All gainfully employed in the successful family business. Had a helluva time getting married. The family business was funeral homes/undertaking. Guess it mattered to a lot of girls.

Jaybird627

Well, this guy lives in CO. The connection is that he used to live in Chicago. No long-term thoughts, we may never even meet, but I try to keep an open mind about everything hence our speaking breifly last night. If I ever get a layover out there I'll look him up but since I'm only doing 'casual' right now I'll just 'date' those who live near me. I get the feeling that this guy is an "I don't want responsibilities" kind of guy and at over 40 that kind of bother me. I could be wrong, though. I don't care what the young guys I date do as they're still young and figuring it all out, even though most are more wrapped-up in their jobs/careers than I am!

Anonymous

Well, Jay, I do agree with everyone else...it does matter if it matters to you. I also agree with you that it says something about a guy who, at the age of 42, is still messing around and lacking a "serious" job. On the other hand, if you're just looking to hook up, who cares what it says about him. As long as he's clean, safe and not twisted, it probably doesn't matter whether he's a truck driver or an MD. Still, if it bothers you....

~Marin

Anonymous

Jay,

I agree too....yes it does matter if your uncomfortable with it...

I would be afraid that he's never really grown up....but like everyone else says....if he's a toy then?

Jule

LorenaB

I have a friend who has been divorced for 3 years and is desperately seeking a man, has paid good $$ for several dating services, etc., yet whenever they want to match her up with someone who sounds "blue collar" she complains.  At one point, she refused to go out with some guy who sounded terrific except for the fact that he worked as an elevator repairman.  My response was, I bet he would have some funny stories to tell! 

Seriously, my opinion is that we are not defined by our jobs or careers.  When I met my exH he was washing cars for a living.  But once I got to know him, I learned that he was washing cars because he was an immigrant trying to learn English, who did two years of college back in his country until he ran out of money and all he wanted to do was go back to school.  He was intelligent and interesting and wanted to go somewhere with his life, he had just been slowed down by lack of opportunities and resources.  (BTW, 11 years later he just graduated from college and is an RN).

If I were to meet someone who was 40 years old and still washing cars (or working as a bike messenger, or repairing elevators), I wouldn't automatically write him off, or place him in the category of "fun for a while but not for anything serious."  I'd need to find out what else was in his head, and his heart.  As Lisa said, he could be a novelist, or a jazz musician, or just getting his bearings after 3 years volunteering in Africa.  For me, it's more about values and interests and connections.  One of those values happens to be responsibility -- so if a guy was clearly trying to escape the responsibilities that come with being a "grown-up" that would take him off my list for sure.  And if all he did was work at the car wash so that he could make enough $ to come home at night and drink beer in front of the television, I would have no interests in common and that would be the end of that.  But IMO it's worth giving someone a chance to see if there is that connection.

I'm kind of an oddball -- my prejudices tend to go in the OTHER direction, if I meet someone who works in banking or investments, or drives a showy, expensive car, I immediately assume that I won't have any values in common with him.  But that's not fair, either-- good hearts and souls come in all kinds of packages!

Lauren (the idealist -- still!)

Jaybird627

Thanks Ladies! I do tend to pre-judge (don't we all to a certain degree?) but it just kind of threw me. He didn't mention any other job, but he montioned liking being able to just walk out his door and snowboard, etc. Maybe he makes money racing his bicycle? Whatever. We may never meet, I was just thrown by my 'reaction'. 

I've dated men from all walks of life and will admit that I don't like 'showy' either! I'm not looking to get married so it doesn't really matter what the guy I date does for a living. As for myself, I've only ever wanted to be a stay-at-home mom, no lofty career goals for me! Now I regret not getting a degree.

Jaybird627

Just to update: I haven't spoken with this guy since our initial conversation. He's happy living his skiing life in Vail and I'm happy to be where it only snows 4 months (well, mostly) out of 12.

I just met a guy who is a lawyer. I swore I'd never date a lawyer but he was born & raised around here so we have that 'Midwest' thing in common which I like so he's forgiven for his profession!  Date #2 will happen sometime next week.....

Anonymous

That sounds very fine, Jay. I must admit to being partial to professional men myself, although the most important thing to me is that he is intelligent and well-read. I really don't make any apologies for that because I need to identify with a guy on that level in order to feel as though we're communicating. Anyway, what i really wanted to say is that I think lawyers get a bad rap these days and many don't deserve it. My father was a lawyer and a judge and an incredibly honorable man. He loved and respected the law and took extraordinary pains to make sure that he judged fairly and interpreted the law carefully.

That's all to say....go for it, girl!

~Marin

Jaybird627

Just to update, I still look at what a man does for a living but the young man who I see occasionally (very occasionally) keeps changing jobs but I don't care since he's only in his 20's and at that age does it really matter what he does???