Why do I keep beating myself up over this?

samon

Why do I keep beating myself up over this?

samon

I could sure use some comments because I keep revisitng this issue.  Four years ago when I had my last child, I chose not to nurse him because I was also dealing with ulcerative colitis and I need to take meds for the rest of my life for that condition.  Anyway, I really wanted to nurse him, but was afraid because I read the meds were present in the breast milk.  The doctors said not to worry.  (although my OB didn't even know anything about my meds, he just looked it up in a book, the pediatrition said we could discuss it after he was born...isn't that too late and my GI doctor doesn't know much about nursing, just what he reads).  Anyway, I read up on it and got some info from the lactation consulant about my meds and it said that with my meds to nurse only if the benefits outweigh the risks.  Out of level one being ok to nurse and level five being don't even think about it, my meds were listed as a three.  Pretty much meaning, maybe, maybe not.  My hubby and I decided not to nurse because at that time we had just read about two other (unrelated to my condition) drugs that had been called off the market because they were really more harmful than good and we weren't sure we could trust the FDA with our decision. 

Now I am really sorry that I didn't nurse and it still bugs me to this day.  To top it off, a year after his birth, I was diagnoses with DCIS.  I try to tell myself that maybe it was a good thing not to nurse since the cancer was in the milk ducts and it was in several areas, but it doesn't make me feel better.  I keep reading about other women that still nursed after their diagnosis and I feel like I didn't protect my child.  The ulcerative colitis is something that I could pass down to my children and I feel like now I didn't protect him as well as I should have.  My hubbys argument was that our older child (whom I nursed becasue I was not on meds at that time) still ended up with asthma and many allergies so the nursing didn't protect him.  He told me that him and his siblings were never nurse (nor me and my siblings).  But, I point out that we all have medical issues and our parents lived in an era where nursing wasn't a big thing or pushed as much as it is now.  My hubby can't understand why this eats me up so much.  That's becasue I was the only one that would have been able to offer him something to protect him and I didn't do it.

Now I see ads all over the place about nursing and all the things that it helps your child with and I feel even worse.  I feel like I'm the only one that didn't nurse and that some day he will grow up and blame me for not protecting him.  I already feel guilty and so far he is doing just fine.  I also try to remind myself that there are several of my friends that nursed and they kids had ear infections all the time and one is even taking her child to get tested because they think she has some digestive disease and she nursed for over a year.  I know there is no guarantee that I could have protected my child, but I beat myself up for not even trying.

I would love to go to therapy to try to get over this, but my hubby doesn't think its necessary and doesn't want to spend the money.  He keeps telling me not to look back, but I can't help it.  So, I'm looking to my online frieds to help me figure this out.

magsandmattsmom

((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))  You love your child - in the end that's the part that matters.  My 3 only got a little bit of breast milk.  I just never could do it correctly.  They are all happy healthy children.

As far has therapy.  Your insurance may cover it except for co-pays.  Mine did.  Call and check.  My husband didn't understand my want of therapy either.  They aren't in our heads so they don't get it.  Check into it!

abbadoodles

I don't think you should feel guilty about this at all.  Generations of babies were bottle raised and they turned out just fine. 

AlaskaDeb

I don't think that feelings are something we can, or should even try to control.  You feel how you feel.  To deny it is to deny a part of yourself.

That does not mean that I think it is healthy to continue to beat yourself up over something you can not change, but you CAN honor your sadness over not nursing.  Write about it, hold your child to your chest and cry about it.  Build a fire and burn all the things you wrote about.  Make a ceremony of releasing the pain and guilt.  Pray about it.  You can find a way to honor your feelings, but then move past them. Do something symbolic that feels meaningful to you....

You made a painful decision to not nurse your child to protect them from harm.  You did good mom.

Hugs

Deb C

Anonymous

Oh, dear sister.  

I really understand where you are coming from on this. 

My son was born as a 9 week early preemie.  He was only 2 lbs, 13 oz. at birth, and whisked away to the NICU.  I couldn't see him for a day, and could only hold him for 5 minutes. 

As for breast feeding, they tried to have me nurse, but my son couldn't latch on to my enormous breast (their words, too!).  We tried it a total of 3 times.  Each time ended up with my poor baby wailing, "Where the heck is the bottle!?!?!?"  (loosely translated, of course). 

So, I pumped.  I pumped a lot.  I pumped so much we had to buy a freezer to hold all the breast milk I was making.  The funny things about this were that my cancer breast was the fountain of plenty, and I could have pumped even more but my boobs were hurting so much from all the pumping I was doing. 

My son had breast milk for 6 months.  I was glad that I was able to provide that for him, but of course sobbed the day he had the last tiny bottle (partially because my cat knocked over the bottle and we lost some, and also because IT WAS THE END!). 

When I was diagnosed 15 months after my son was born, I was stuck with a decision.  I knew I wanted the entire cancer boob removed, but what about the healthy one?!  I had DD breasts, and I wanted a matching set.  I saw pics from my PS of women who only did one side, and I just didn't want it to look that way.  I also wanted peace of mind-I knew it hardly affected my chances of perfect health, but I knew I'd feel better knowing both "time bombs" on my chest were gone. 

I of course then thought about 1)intimacy issues and 2) having another child.  We had been trying to get pregnant again when I was diagnosed with breast cancer.  If you read my bio, I say that we thought we were pregnant, but it turns out we were giving birth to cancer. 

So, here I am, nearly 3 years later.  I am still praying that God allows me to be a Mommy to one more child, and I also pray that if He does, that I am able to deal with the constant questions of, "Are you nursing?" 

I wish I could nurse the next child, but what I wanted more was to be able to have another child.  I know there is always formula for the next child to eat, and that plenty of wonderful kids were not even introduced to their Mommy's breast.  

I know the guilt you feel,  but neither you nor I can continue to feel guilty! 

Love and prayers, Deb

Anonymous

Oh, dear sister.  

I really understand where you are coming from on this. 

My son was born as a 9 week early preemie.  He was only 2 lbs, 13 oz. at birth, and whisked away to the NICU.  I couldn't see him for a day, and could only hold him for 5 minutes. 

As for breast feeding, they tried to have me nurse, but my son couldn't latch on to my enormous breast (their words, too!).  We tried it a total of 3 times.  Each time ended up with my poor baby wailing, "Where the heck is the bottle!?!?!?"  (loosely translated, of course). 

So, I pumped.  I pumped a lot.  I pumped so much we had to buy a freezer to hold all the breast milk I was making.  The funny things about this were that my cancer breast was the fountain of plenty, and I could have pumped even more but my boobs were hurting so much from all the pumping I was doing. 

My son had breast milk for 6 months.  I was glad that I was able to provide that for him, but of course sobbed the day he had the last tiny bottle (partially because my cat knocked over the bottle and we lost some, and also because IT WAS THE END!). 

When I was diagnosed 15 months after my son was born, I was stuck with a decision.  I knew I wanted the entire cancer boob removed, but what about the healthy one?!  I had DD breasts, and I wanted a matching set.  I saw pics from my PS of women who only did one side, and I just didn't want it to look that way.  I also wanted peace of mind-I knew it hardly affected my chances of perfect health, but I knew I'd feel better knowing both "time bombs" on my chest were gone. 

I of course then thought about 1)intimacy issues and 2) having another child.  We had been trying to get pregnant again when I was diagnosed with breast cancer.  If you read my bio, I say that we thought we were pregnant, but it turns out we were giving birth to cancer. 

So, here I am, nearly 3 years later.  I am still praying that God allows me to be a Mommy to one more child, and I also pray that if He does, that I am able to deal with the constant questions of, "Are you nursing?" 

I wish I could nurse the next child, but what I wanted more was to be able to have another child.  I know there is always formula for the next child to eat, and that plenty of wonderful kids were not even introduced to their Mommy's breast.  

I know the guilt you feel,  but neither you nor I can continue to feel guilty! 

Love and prayers, Deb

Anonymous

I am from the era where breast feeding was not pushed.  I had three children (all very close together), and didn't feel the need to breast feed them.  They are now grown, in their thirties, and are healthy.  Of course they got "stuff" from other children.  My dd has two children and she breast fed them both.  They've had many colds and ear infections.  They are in daycare.  Many germs and viruses there.

I think your decision NOT to breast feed your child was the right choice.  With you taking a med without knowing how it would affect or not affect your child was, in my opinion, a good choice.  No one can take away your feeling guilty.  Only you can work through this.  And, if you think it would be beneficial to see a therapist then do it.

I hope you find comfort from other posters here.

Shirley

Anonymous

AlaskaDeb strikes again!!!! I just feel she truly gets it and has offered beautiful, solemn, calming, thoughtful advice. Listen to her and read her message a few times.

(((prayers)))

Bottom line: you can tell by how and what you've written that you are a wonderful mother. Ask you children when they are grown how they feel about their mom. You'll hear the truth.

Binney4

Oh, samon, how painful! I'm so sorry. Deb and others have given you good help, and I pray it'll relieve you mind and heart and lead to only joy as you interact with your beautiful children.

Sorry I can't add much. But I will say that we're all wonderfully made and considerably sturdier than modern nursing practices would have us believe. Our first two adopted children were born in Vietnam at the height of that war. They came home to us in truly horrific shape. The six-month old had barely survived kwashiorkor, a severe protein deficiency. The two year old weighed all of 14 pounds and had a gigantic belly, no hair, and infected teeth.

They're both in their 30s now, sturdy and well. Naturally they do not waste any time fretting over the early care I was not able to give them, and neither will your son. We do what we can, and because we love them, that's truly enough.

Prayers for peace,

Binney 

Binney4

Oh, samon, how painful! I'm so sorry. Deb and others have given you good help, and I pray it'll relieve you mind and heart and lead to only joy as you interact with your beautiful children.

Sorry I can't add much. But I will say that we're all wonderfully made and considerably sturdier than modern nursing practices would have us believe. Our first two adopted children were born in Vietnam at the height of that war. They came home to us in truly horrific shape. The six-month old had barely survived kwashiorkor, a severe protein deficiency. The two year old weighed all of 14 pounds and had a gigantic belly, no hair, and infected teeth.

They're both in their 30s now, sturdy and well. Naturally they do not waste any time fretting over the early care I was not able to give them, and neither will your son. We do what we can, and because we love them, that's truly enough.

Prayers for peace,

Binney 

carolsd

I'm sad that you're "beating yourself up" over this. Your son is not going to grow up and resent you for not breastfeeding him.

I had a co-worker who tried breastfeeding and it just didn't work out. She was distraught, but her doctor summed it up nicely. He said "go and look at a playground full of children at an elementary school and tell me which ones were breastfed and which ones were not." What does that say?

I did a little breastfeeding, but it was not my childrens' sole source of nourishment. They were twins, born 5 weeks early. They were underweight and needed nourishment right away, but it took 5 days for my milk to come in. Needless to say, they got bottles. So I struggled with breastfeeding and supplementing with bottles for 3-4 months when they really lost interest in the breast and I had to call it a day. I did the best I could and they are fine now. Both in honor society, in band, making good grades (they are 13).

I was breastfed, in an era where it was not so popular (early 60s). My mom breastfed all of us. I had ear infections, strep throat, scarlet fever, now have immune problems and breast cancer! So I'd say it's not a complete protectant against all disease.

I'm afraid you're obsessing over something that is really of little consequence down the line. I wonder if there is something else that's really the issue, disguising itself as breastfeeding.

Take care and get the counseling you need, if appropriate!

iodine

I, too, go with what Deb's had to say.

I will add, my knowledge of how breast feeding is healthy, is for the first few months of life, to give the baby your antibodies until the baby builds up it's own.  After that it has no particular special effects to good or bad health.

Unfortunately, new mothers are faced with the same guilt trips that stay at home moms got in the 70's and 80's---ya gotta do this and ya gotta do that.  So unfortunate that we do that to each other. 

I will say that with your meds being a 3---that would have cinched it for me!  No WAY I would have nursed.  You made a perfect decison and I do hope you will learn to accept that by whatever means are necessary.

I wonder if there is some grief your are feeling about breast cancer even more than about breast feeding?  That's where a counselor can help.

You can even set a # of visits that you will attend the therapist if you wish---I worked with a short term guy who really gave good homework and we worked thru some things in record time.   It doesn't have to last more than 6 sessions.  We're not talking life committment here.

Diana63

How can you beat yourself up when you made your decision out of love for your son? You did what any loving mother would do, you researched the meds and found that it could be harmful to breastfeed him. Maybe he would be having major problems right now if you had breastfeed him.

Your son will know that his mother loves him, and thats enough in my book.

samon

Wow!  Thank you for all you replies.  It helps to know that there are people who care and understand.  I am going to be printing out this thread and read it when I feel down.  Sometimes I just need to hear from others that I did the right thing.  From young on, I was always someone that wanted to please others, so when I'm faced with something where I'm not sure what to do, I consult tons of people to see what is right. 

Part of my guilt also comes from the fact that I was too scared to do what I thought I should have done.  Even with the meds I was taking, my hubby agreed that I could nurse him for two weeks (and then quit becasue of my meds) so at least he could get a good start with the colostrum.  Well, I had a c/section and tried to nurse him for 1 1/2 days.  Things weren't going well and by the second night he just screamed when I tried to nurse him and the only way to comfort him was to walk around with him.  Then I would try to nurse again and it would happen all over again.  I just couldn't do it.  I was exhaused an after just having the c/section the day before I was too tired to walk.  I asked the nurse to give him a small bottle so I could rest and from there they just assumed I gave up on nursing and I was too tired to even question it.  I got scared because my friend had a breast infection after a few days of trouble nursing and I knew I couldn't deal with that and my colitis and the c/section, plus the major cold I came down with on day three.  So, looking back I feel like I should have just pushed on and at least gotten my two weeks worth of nursing.  By that time I might have been feeling better and been able to take less meds or maybe switched to something that was safer.  Now I'll never know.

roseg

I think AlaskaDeb has the right idea.

If a few therapy sessions aren't possible then journal about it.  Getting your feelings about it out will help you put them away. But you do need to grieve for what you feel you lost.

I would not for one minute worry about your child.  I nursed two children and they were sick the whole time. I ran through my deductible for the year in January after the second was born.  About the best thing I'll say for nursing is that it's cheap.  

Anonymous

Samon, perhaps your baby was telling you something.  Seems like there are times when things are just meant to be.  I don't think nursing was meant to be for your baby.

Just a little example.  Nothing to do with a baby though unless we call husbands babies. LOL

My friend's hubby LITERALLY almost sawed his hand off while using a chain saw up a ladder cutting a limb.  Stupid, huh?  Anyway, the ambulance took a while to get to the house.  Then the driver took the long route to the hospital.  It just so happened that a plastic surgeon who is a hand specialist was there for a guy who cut off a finger.  However, when my friend hubby got there this doctor took care of him....a real emergency.  My friend is a BIG Duke fan.  She only uses Duke doctors.  That's over a two hour drive.  No way could they take him there.  So, after this doctor assured her he was the one to do the surgery she let him.  Her hubby has had an extraordinary outcome.  The surgeon is so, SO pleased as well as my friend and her hubby.  My friend LOVES this doctor.  So, it was meant to be (we think) that the ambulance took more time than usual (although he lost a lot of blood).

I tend to agree with the other ladies.  Perhaps you need some counseling.  I hope you can accept that you did the very best thing for your son.  I really don't think two weeks of nursing would have made one bit of difference.

Shirley