Why do I keep beating myself up over this?

samon

Why do I keep beating myself up over this?

samon

I could sure use some comments because I keep revisiting this issue.  Four years ago when I had my last child, I did not nurse him becasue I was also dealing with ulcerative colitis and I need to take meds for the rest of my life for that condition.  Anyway, I really wanted to nurse him, but was afraid because I read the meds were present in the breast milk.  The doctors said not to worry, (my ob just looked up my meds in a book, but had never dealt with them before and my GI doctor didn't have many pregnant patients and didn't even check on it) but I read about it and it said to nurse only if the benefits outweigh the risks.  I checked with the lactation consultant and she said on a level of one (meaning ok to nurse) and five (meaning don't even think about it) it was a three.  She said it was a tough call even for her.   My hubby and I decided not to nurse becasue at that time one or two other drugs (not ones that I take) had just been called off the market because they found out they were really harmful so we weren't sure how well we could trust this to be ok since the FDA made mistakes on those other drugs. 

Now I am really sorry that I didn't nurse and it still bugs me to this day.  To top it off, a year later I was diagnosed with DCIS.  I try to tell myself that maybe it was good not to nurse since the cancer was in the milk ducst and it was muticentric (in different areas), but it doesn't make me feel better.  I keep reading about other women that had nursed after their diagnosis. Ulcerative colitis is something that my child could get from me and I fell like I didn't protect him.  I know there is no guarantee that he will get this or any other disease, but I wake up early in the morning feeling guilty all over again.  My hubbys argument was that our older child (whom I nursed) still ended up with asthma and many allergies so that didn't seem to help him much.  He can't understand why this eats me up so.  That's because I was the only one that would have been able to offer him something to protect him and I didn't do it. 

Now I see ads all over the place about nursing and all the things that it helps your child with and I feel even worse.  I feel like I'm the only one that didn't nurse and that some day he will grow up and hate me for not protecting him.   I already feel guilty and so far he is doing just fine. 

I would love to go to therapy to try to get over this, but my hubby doesn't think its necessary and doesn't want to spend the money.  He keeps telling me not to look back, but I can't help it.  So, I'm looking to my online friends to help me figure this out.

SandyAust

I think you did protect your son.  You protected him from the potential exposure to your medication.  If I am correct, ulcerative colitis is an auto-immune disease.  I also have an autoimmune disease, psoriatic arthritis.  The meds are toxic.  I don't blame you for not breastfeeding your son.  In your shoes I think I would have made the same decision.

Lots of children are not breastfed for a variety of reasons and they grow to be perfectly healthy.  You did your best and you did the right thing.  Go easy on yourself.

Take care,

Sandy

Liezel

I also think you did the right thing.  If you look at the effects food that you eat during breast feeding has on a baby, I do think that the potential effects of your meds might have caused more permanent damage. 

Is there something wrong with him now that makes you feel this way, or is it just the possibility that he might develop UC as well?  The thing is that we inherit all kinds of things from our parents, maybe even the bc gene that we are now living with.  While we have to live with the fear that we might have passed it on to our daughters and sons, I think it also gives us the opportunity to teach them now already how to look after themselves to try and avoid our situation. 

We start feeling guilty about our kids the minute they are born, and always feel we are not doing enough for them.  I beat myself up over not giving birth naturally, and not living with the pain and nursing him longer.  My rational mind tell me that I can not change it, and by feeling guilty I am not accomplishing anything, but that does not ease it.  I guess all we can do is to be the best we can be now, and to make sure they don't end up in our situation.

Hugs to you,

Liezel 

nash

I tried nursing both my kids, but just could never get the hang of it. I ended up pumping for eight weeks with both of them, and just put them on formula after that. I felt horribly guilty about it at the time, but now they're 6 and 9 1/2, and they're just fine, so I'm pretty much over it.

You had a good medical reason not to nurse--I was just inept at it. If it really is that consuming a guilt for you four years after the fact, I think that therapy is an excellent idea. Husbands don't "get" therapy--men usually think one should just be able to deal with things on one's own. The breastfeeding issue obviously really hangs on your mind--more than it should, but easier said than done--so I think a good therapist can help you get past it and/or figure out if something else is bothering you and manifesting itself as this guilt.

samon

Thanks for all your relies.

Sandy, you are correct.  UC is and auto-immune disease.   I do worry most about my kids getting this disease too.  I try to remind myself that there is no way they can tell if nursing would have even helped for that.  My hubby reminds me that our oldest still got asthma and allergies even though I was able to nurse him (not on those meds at the time)

Liezel, You are right about the foods we eat while nursing.  I had to quit dairy when I nursed my oldest because it was making him sick.  My youngest is doing well...I mostly worry that I will pass the UC on to him or some other thing that nursing was suppose to protect him from.  I get confused if the nursing is just suppose to protect them for the first year until they build up their own immunities or if it is a life long protection.

Nash, Don't think you were inept at nursing.  There are many women that aren't able to do it well.  You tried it and did your best.  That is what matters.  I think I feel bad because I didn't even try.  Then every time I see and article about nursing, they ad yet another thing to the list that nursing is suppose to protect the child from.  I can't just keep my head in the sand and not run into these articles.  Those are the times when all these emotions resurface again.  I don't think about it constantly.  I just have a few rough patches a year and this is one of those.  You are right that hubbies don't get therapy.  However, he did agree that I should go when I was diagnosed with bc so maybe there is hope that I can get there yet.  Although that was three years ago and I was referred there because I couldn't decide on what to do for treatment and my hubby was wanting me to make a decision soon becasue he was worried about it spreading.  The therapy was to help me come to a decision on what to do.