HOW TO DEAL WHEN YOUR MOM IS GOING TO DIE

ILOVEMYMOM

HOW TO DEAL WHEN YOUR MOM IS GOING TO DIE

ILOVEMYMOM

Hello wonderful and couragious  people on this board

We just recently found out that my mom's cancer spread through her bones, spine and liver. She had breast cancer before and was free for 7 years. Now her cancer already spread. Her survival rate of living for 3 years is 20 percent. She can go anytime.

Please how does anyone deal with this? I feel so sorry for my little brother, he is going to grow up without my mom. I ofcourse will help my brother forever. I just can't accept my mom is going. I have such a hard time. How do u say goodbye? How? My mom is only 55 years old.

I read the Last Lecture book and sometimes it calms me down. It is not fair though, I wish I can trade places with my mom. I love her soooo much that

I can't imagine living life without her. 

catbert4209

Ilovemymom:  I am so sorry to hear about your mother, and wish there was a way to ease the pain you are feeling right now.  Please know you, your brother and mom are in my thoughts and prayers. 

Cat 

ILOVEMYMOM

Thank you very much

MymomMylife

Hi you,

My Mom is all my life.7 months ago when I had my new baby coming to this world my mOm who lives back in my country came to NY to see me and my newborn and help me out with everything.This was after 5 years that there was no chance for me to get back to hometown to see my family.I always heard good news from there and I never thought their life is such a mess full of pain and sickness!she never told me about what she was going through!

After one week meeting my Mom My love of life I found out about what she was going thruogh last year and she had stageIII B breast cancer ,she had her treatment done surgery,chem and radio.

I took her for a ONC visit in Yale Cancer Center in New Haven and Dr. suggested to do some Ct Scans and tests as she did not have any ever before !

But b/c of expences and no health insurance for visitor of united state she told me that she is prefer to go back home and follow up with her treatment .she was totally fine without any symptoms at that time.she Helps me  alot.she gave bath to my Newborn and she put my baby on her lap and hug and sing a song for her to make her sleep .......Now I hear her voice all over my home .I see her smile and her face everywhere ...I see her finger print all over my home!

Why I let her go?Why? Shame on me...

Last week after 7 months while she is far far away from me maybe 1000 of miles ,I found out about Lung Mets and who knows what else b/c she just had a CT scan of chest!...

I am blaming myself and my life and why I should be here without my family .Why I let her go?why I can't help her and why I am not there with her!

I have a young sister in 18 and a Dad who is really sensitive and even I can not talk with him clearly about my Mom's sickness.he really needs more help than my Mom!

I know how much my mom wants to spend time with her grandchildren in this time and how much they need me there.

What I am doing here ? why I  am here for?for me going back to my country mean changing all my family life, leaving my husband and my daughters here in united sate of america!Maybe if I leave them I never can come back here again and be with them!

who should I choose ?....I just have one Mom and that is it!

I can feel you and understant you. How we can live without our Moms?

you are lucky that you can still see her and smell her and hug her...you are lucky that you can help her and make everything easier for her..It is really good to be next to them and can do something for them.

sorry I know I did not help you with my writing but at least you should be happy that you are there for them.

My prayer is with your mom and your family.

Me as a Mom of 2 daughters and as a daughter who loves her mom so so so much and miss her so bad even now in this last minutes that can be together for a life!

badboob67

I am so sorry you are going through this worry and so far away from your mom. I am sure it must be very difficult.

First, please do not be worried that the fact your mom didn't have scans until she was here with you means she wasn't getting good care from her doctors. Most doctors will not order scans unless someone is experiencing symptoms. 

Lung mets ARE treatable! My mets are in my bones, so I don't have details for you about the different options but I am sure the ladies over on the recurrence and metastatic disease section of the boards would be glad to answer any questions you might have. Gaining a better understanding of what is happening and what treatments are available can really help you feel more at ease. We also have a few ladies who do not have cancer but who post for their mothers. If you start a thread on that section, I am sure you will find lots of support!

I know this must be so hard for you and wish it wasn't happening.  You and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers.

(((HUGS)))

Diane

MymomMylife

Thank you Diane ,thanks for your support and your writing.That is right when you are down to nothing,God is up to something!

May54

 Dear I love my mom,

How you deal with it is once you are over the shock of hearing the initial news of the recurrence, you go on one day at a time enjoying each day with each other as a gift and not taking anything for granted. Living as much as you can in the present.  Finding joy in present moments, even with the devastating news in the back of your mind. 

You can laugh, love and find joy and be thankful for each day, even in the midst of the unknown future.

May54

Dear My Mom, my life,

You and your children are your Mother's wonderful legacy!  She must feel great peace and joy in knowing that you are in the United States raising your family and making a better life for them.  This will give her  peace   to face what she will need to face with her recent breast cancer recurrence.

Assuming you face the possibility that you may not be able to return back here,if you visit your Mom in her  country, then your job is to stay here and make the best life and future for her grandchildren.  That will mean everything to her.

ILOVEMYMOM

Thank you so much everyone. U r all so kind. I am just so worried for my little brother. He is still so young and he is going to lose his only parent. Our dad died when he was a baby due to colorectal cancer and now my mom.

I thank my mom so much for being in my life. I am so lucky to have such wonderful mom and I thank God for that.

sdurantmd

Hi,

I know how do you feel. Because my sister is just 34 year old. She has a 2 year old daughter. She's been diagnosed with breast cancer with mets to bone and liver in dec 2007. It was very devastated, still now. She is doing chemo. she had a ct in april and they said CT/MRI are clean for both bone and liver. Please, be strong, go to the recurrence and mets boards you'll find many ladies with 5 to 10 years survival. Those ladies are my inspiration and they keeping me alive.

sdurantmd

Hi,

I know how do you feel. Because my sister is just 34 year old. She has a 2 year old daughter. She's been diagnosed with breast cancer with mets to bone and liver in dec 2007. It was very devastated, still now. She is doing chemo. she had a ct in april and they said CT/MRI are clean for both bone and liver. Please, be strong, go to the recurrence and mets boards you'll find many ladies with 5 to 10 years survival. Those ladies are my inspiration and they keeping me alive.

May54

I love my mom,

              How old is your younger brother?  I know my step daughter's mother died when she was young and I think she would have loved letters or a notebook that she could have read with letters from her mother to her maybe talking about different life events and what some of her favorite things might have been.

And then take lots of pictures of your Mom with your brother so that he has those to treasure .

LANEF

Hi.  I just wanted to let you know you are not alone.  I am struggling to say goodbye to my mom right now.  Today was the first day we had Hospice come in, and it made me so sad. I can't imagine life without her.  All, I can tell you is to try to be with her as much as you can.  Tell her everything you want her to know.  I think it is also important that if you can, you make sure she knows that it is ok for her to let go if she needs to.  I know it is scary and you feel like your heart is going to break.  But you just have to take it day by day and do the best you can.  As far as your little brother goes, you can also be there for him as much as possible.  If you bring in Hospice, they can help with the children and dealing with death.  I talked to them about my children today, because they are really close to my mom and knowing they are going to lose her is killing them.  So, maybe you will want to have your brother see a counselor etc.  Another thing is to remember you have to take care of yourself.  I find this a wonderful place to vent and ask questions.  Everybody has been so wonderful here!

I know it is not fair!  My mom is 64, and to me that is young!  Just like the other ladies said, spend time with her.  Take pictures for your brother.  Maybe make him a scrapbook of her, so he has the memories.  If she can write him some letters for later in life, that would be a good idea too.  Also, remember that just because the statistics say 20% chance she can live 3 years, but she can go at anytime, they aren't always right.  I have seen people in such grave situations I was sure (as well as the Dr.s they were going to pass away), But then they rallied back again!  So don't ever give up!

I am sorry about the loss of your father, and I am so sorry you are going through this.  I do know it is hard.  Please know that I will pray for you and your family!

Hugs

Lanef

sandeefeet

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your families. My mom is being treated for lung and bone mets now. It can be so so difficult some days but I know we have to try to take it one day at time.

And, I agree with the picture takers, I'm a picture taker too. I drive my family crazy but when I pull different sets of pics out at times, it's amazing the reactions and conversations we have!!!!

Holly01

Hi,

 I know how you feel. I am to going through this and I get upset everyday. My Mum is my best friend and I just can't imagine life without her. She has battled this for 23 yrs but it has now gone to her lung. The onc has told me 2 yrs for Mum and she has had 12 months already. She is 64.It's the worst thing ever to go through!

irishdreama

I lost my mom to Kidney cancer on Aug. 21, 2000. I moved in with her (ex-husband, daughter, and nephew that I had custody of in tow). She was so sick right from the beginning, I had to give her tube feedings, etc. After she had the kidney out, the cancer immediately metastisized to her spine. She had to have back surgery, and while in re-hab after that, got a perforated ulcer and almost died. Then Pneumonia. It was 2 years almost to the day of her suffering like that, and in the meantime, she had moved in with me, and then my mobile home burned down. I bought a house. Two months after we moved into the house, as she was lying in her hopital bed, suffering and in pain, I put my arms around her and told her it was OK to go. I loved her and I would make sure everyone else in the family was ok. That's all it took. She died in my arms. She was 62. It was absolutely the hardest thing I ever had to go through. I am praying for all of you who have lost  your moms.

madjik23

TO ilovemymom:

 I absolutly know exactly how you feel right now. My mother was diagnosed with breast cancer 3 years ago and they found it in stage 4. She had a double masectomy and with chemo and a lot of medical treatment got through. This past Feb 2008, the cancer metastisized to her bones and liver. the docter's initial response was that she'd have 5 months to a year to live. I watched her fight all summer and 2 weeks ago on August 22 2008 the cancer took over her liver and she passed away within 3 days of being omitted into the hospital, while i was out to vist her. I thought the summer was difficult but i dont even know how to deal with her loss now. She was 53 years old and an amazing mother. As a 22 year old this is the hardest part of my life that ive ever dealt with and i dont know how im ever going to except that she is gone. My advice is spend as much time with her as you can and tell her how much you love her. i to have a younger brother that was by her side everyday, he is taking it the hardest. I was with her all day the day before she passed on to God and I would do anything to just go back and sit next to her in the hospital bed. Although she could not speak i knew she could hear me talking to her. I dont know how to not have a mom. Your family is in my prayers.

pinoideae

I have never lost my mom, but I did lose my dad 5 years ago (June).  He was diagnosed with lung cancer, had surgery to remove a lobe in his right lung, and 3 years later he had mets.  It was without a doubt the most difficult thing I ever had to go through, and every day I am grateful I still have my mom still here with us.  I am not going to lie to you, it is NEVER easy losing someone you love.  There is always someone preceding others in a family, and to the ones left behind the pain is incomprehensable at times.  Talk to others who have gone through losing a parent, and you will find you are not alone.  Talk, talk, talk, it will help you walk, walk, walk while dealing with this.  You will walk this huge mountain path and reach the top, and when you do you will have accomplished a huge task.  There may be gravel along the way, making you slip and fall, just get back up, (your mom would want it that way) you will make it, sometimes standing tall, sometimes crawling.  This process is called healing.  And when you reach the top, you will realize they were with you the whole journey of your healing, they (your loved one) never left you at all, for they were always in your heart.

ICanDoThis

I lost my mom suddenly when I was 22 - she was only 43!

The pain was pretty rough. We hadn't finished those post-teenager issues, and hadn't become adult friends yet.

It took some therapy, and a good support group to learn to let go. The roughest part was when my daughter was born - there was so much I wanted to share with her.

Remember that this is all about being human, and that your mom loves you very much, and wants only the best for you. Treat yourself with kindness, and give yourself time to heal.

kerry_lamb

My mother was diagnosed with mouth cancer when she was exactly my age..49. She had chemo, horrendous surgery and then lived for another 15 years before getting brain tumors and lung cancer. The first brain tumors were benign but she was so afraid that she had a lengthy psychosis! She died in a big morphine haze, her eyes half closed (defiant till then end, my Dad said.)

On the day she died, I was at Mass in another state of Australia, and when I walked outside into the most amazing late-afternoon sunshine, I had a life-changing religious experience..a true revelation. The nature of God was revealed to me.

My mother had never been healthy, never been happy; she was a mean wife and a bitter and brutal alcoholic mother. When I walked outside that day, I was completely surrounded by my mother. It was as though she had come to show herself to me , in ecstasy and as a part of God ! She was free, whole and ecstatic. I was overwhelmed. When I told the priest about it later, he cried. It was just sensational. All I had ever been taught, I experienced when my mother died. I was, and will always be so grateful that she finally knew joy.

Your mothers will be in the same state. I know this.

Much love to you all. Kerry. 

Shirlann

Hi all my dear sisters.  I just wanted to say, don't be afraid to hold your mom in your arms and tell her that you love her!  I did not do this with my mom, because I foolishly thought I would scare her.  She was afraid of dying her whole life.  But when my daughter-in-law knew she was dying of Pancreatic Cancer at 45, we all went into action.  My husband and I went over and stayed with her from 8 to noon, then her mom came.  My son had to work so he had the night shift.  She was never alone.  We looked at photo albums, I had my sister come and play her lute and we all sang together old favorite songs and silly songs.  I told her over and over that I loved her, what a wonderful mom she was to her two children, and that as a mother-in-law, how much it meant to me that she chose to stay home with her babies and not put them in day care.  We cried together, we laughed together, and I finally got it right.  Don't miss the chance to say, "Mom, you made my childhood wonderful, you made Christmass wonderful, I am a better person because of you, I love you soo much".  I type these words and the tears come, because I was afraid to say them to my own mom, oh, how I wish I had the chance to do that the 4 weeks we had with her after her stroke.

No one's mom is perfect.  None of us are. We all know that.  But this is the time in their lives when you can give them the blessed gift of THINKING they were. This is just my experience, and I don't mean to give you bad advice, but what a gift of joy it would be for me to have my son's tell me this!  Not always true, for sure, but I tried, and I would love to hear those words as I pass on.

Gentle hugs, Shirlann 

swynot

my father died when i was 7 from a heart attack and my mother raised my little brother and i on her own.  she was diagnosed with breast cancer when i was 11 and then survived and has been cancer free until this past summer.  now i am 26 years old and her cancer is stage 4 and is in her bones and now has spread to her liver.  i am so scared to be an orphan and to know what it's like to live without either of my parents.  i feel like i am far too young to deal with this and remembering what it was like to lose my dad, i am so terrified of what is to come.  i am so scared at the thought of having to watch my mother die a slow and horribly painful death and so worried about my little brother (he's 22 now but still so young) and how he's going to handle it.  you're not alone, there are so many people who are going through this right now, who have survived the death of a parents or both.  in my experience, talking to other people who have been through it or are going through it normalizes the experience so you don't feel so alone, so you don't feel like your'e the only person in the world feeling these things.  it is hard to deal with stuff so young because it's hard to find others the same age as you who have dealt with the same things you have.  i have felt different my whole life because i experienced death at such a young age.  i have felt like i can't relate to anyone my own age my whole life.  but there are people out there and i am also searching for those people and you should too.  i'm so sorry for what you're dealing with, just know that you will survive and get through it and that you will be okay and that you are not alone in how you feel.

stefanie 

barbe1958

I have had both parents die and can tell you with all my heart that you don't lose them. They are always with you. Always. The seconds between asleep and waking are the times I can feel and hear them the most. My mother showed me where she is now and told me how happy she was. I  hope I can do that for my kids when my time comes.

Allowing them permission to let go is the greatest gift you can give them. I know how hard it sounds now, but when you are ready to let go, you will know it. So will they.

God bless.