Starting chemo in a new city. Stay or go?

Anonymous

Starting chemo in a new city. Stay or go?

Anonymous

I just discovered this forum today and want to put a question to those who may have gone through a similar experience.

I am 47 yrs. old, single and living alone, not in contact with any family, and moved from Boston (where I had lived 22 years) to Wash DC seven months ago for a job. I rented out my condo in Boston with the idea that I could move back if this city/job did not work out.

Now, I am thinking about moving back sooner than I planned (I was going to give the new job/city at least a year or two) I was diagnosed a couple weeks ago and had a lumpectomy 10 days ago. I am scheduled for a MRI-guided biospsy on my right breast this week as well as surgery to get a clean margin in my left breast. My onc has recommended 18 weeks chemo, radiation, and Herceptin every 3 weeks for 6 more months-- all due to start in 3 or so weeks.

The problem is that I haven't had time to develop much of a social life as I have long work days (I live in DC without a car and work in suburban Maryland -- 1 1/2- to 2-hour commute on public transportation each way). I am lucky that my boss (at an animal welfare non-profit) has been very supportive and has let me have time off and will let me work at home whenever I need to. My ex-boyfriend came down for initial doctors' visits and my surgery and another friend visited for my meeting with the oncologist. Yet another Boston friend is coming for my next surgery.

The two casual friends I have made here and my colleagues at work have made general offers to help over the coming months. Most of my colleagues do not live in the city and I don't know if I will feel comfortable asking people I barely know to travel in to help with errands, cleaning, or meals. 

   

The problem is that I don't know how much logistical help I will need during treatment. My Boston friends can't afford the expense and time of coming down more than 1-2 times over the next few months. I am considering moving back to Boston for treatment. It will be a huge hassle moving right now, but I am afraid I will be without a support network if I stay in DC. There are tenants in my Boston condo, so I would need to sublet a place for the summer and move into my condo Sept 1. In Boston, I know I will have some folks I could call at all hours of the day or night to help me.

I am really torn about what to do. I think my boss would let me work remotely for a few months. In the meantime I could pursue a job at the university in Boston where I used to work (and for which I still do freelance work). 

Sorry for the lengthy story, but I want to get a sense on how important it was to have close friends physically available.  

Thanks for your help! 

LorenaB

Joia, that is a tough one -- moving is such an ordeal, especially if you'd need to sublet a place for a few months and then move yet again.  I do think that having a network of support is really important.  My situation is different because I have a 7-year-old son, so more than anything else I need help caring for him when I am not feeling well.  My ex-H moved back to our town to be closer to our son, and my parents (who live about a 3 hour drive from here) come up regularly or take my son home with them for a few days to give me a break. 

In terms of actual physical needs during chemo -- it's hard to say, I think it really varies from person to person.  I have been able to get out a little bit almost every day, take myself to the supermarket, go for short walks, etc.  If I lived closer to the hospital (i.e. taxi distance) and I didn't have my child to take care of, I probably could have managed the day-to-day without a lot of help from friends or family. 

On the other hand, in terms of emotional well-being, it has been really nice to have a support network close by.  My ex-H is still a good friend, my boyfriend lives just up the street, I have local friends who bring dinner and a movie when I'm too tired to go out, and my coworkers have been meeting me at the hospital, sitting with me for the last hour of chemo infusion, and driving me home.  Not everyone needs this -- some people are ok with email and phone contact, and would rather be alone with a couple of delivery menus when feeling sick or down. 

I just want to add - I live in the Boston area, and I'm on a listserv from my grad program where people sometimes send out info about sublets.  If you do decide to move back here and would like me to forward these to you (or if you'd just like to talk about treatment options in the area) please send me a pm.

Good luck with your decision and with your next surgery!

Lauren

nowheregirl

Joia, I am sorry you had to join us but glad you found us.

Like Lauren said, everyone reacts differently to chemo so it's hard to expect how to be prepared. I have been so lucky that my boss was supportive and understanding, that I didn't really get any major side effetcs and that I didn't even need to take one single sick leave when I was doing chemo and rads. (I did 2 different chemo before surgery and another one after surgry followed by 30 sessions of rads) There are number of girls here who worked full time when they were doing chemo like me so there's a good chance you can do that too.

I live by myself with no kids. My parents live in the suburb that is 1 hours drive away from me. The clinic where I was given chemo is 2 hours drive away. My mum said I could ask her to take me to the clinic anytime I wanted but I didn't need to ask her for help at all. I travelled all the way pretty much by myself. I did all errands, work etc without anyone helping me. So maybe you can give it a little bit of time before you decide where you should do chemo. If it hit hard on you, then you could move back anytime you want. Just make sure your doctor can refer you to the hospital in your home town area when necessary and somebody can help you with the moving.

No one could say what's the right thing to do. You just have to be comfortable with your decision. Wishing you the best of luck!

xo

Fumi

Anonymous

Joia...I totally agree with Lauren and Fumi....it's an individual decision based on how you react to your treatments and how much you feel the need for having close friends nearby. I had no one to really count on, though my ex-husband took me to my first chemo and to my surgery. I do have friends and co-workers who offered to help, but I didn't feel comfortable asking and, besides, it turned out that I didn't need any. I worked a full-time and a part-time job and only took off for my surgery (2 days) and for each chemo. I was very lucky.

So you might want to do as suggested- wait and see how it goes. It wouldn't be impossible to re-locate later if you feel that you need to.

~Marin

Anonymous

You can also contact the American Cancer Society ... www.cancer.org  .... and  they have a program called Road to Recovery that provides transportation to and from your chemo treatments.  I met a lady that was transporting a lady to and from chemo.  The bc lady, Rebecca, said that she really loved the lady that transported her and that they had become friends.

Road to Recovery  <---- click on the link! 

Anonymous

Thank you all for your comments. I understand that everyone reacts differently, but I appreciate your input to help me think things through.

Pending a final decision from my boss (who tentatively agreed to let me work remotely for 6 months), I have decided to move back to Boston for 6 months. I am working on subletting a furnished place for that period (and not dealing with actually moving any of my furniture up there or into my condo in 3 months). I would sublet my place here in DC. It ceased to be a hassle when I decided all furniture was to stay put! 

Thanks, Roctobermom, for info on Road to Recovery. I may make use of a similar service offered by the Dana Farber Cancer Institute, where I plan to get my treatment, in case my friends can't give me rides during the work day.

Marin, it was heartening to hear how much you were able to do on your own. If that is the case for me, then I can have fun with my friends instead of needing them to take care of me!

Fumi, I am glad chemo and rads didn't have too many side effects for you. I appreciate the suggestion to see how it goes, but I thought I might just save myself some stress and make a decision now.

Lauren, thanks for the offer to check that list serve. Right now, I am negotiating on a 6-month sublet in Cambridge that I found on craigslist. It looks adorable and is close to public transportation. I have a chaotic couple weeks ahead, with my biopsy today, another surgery on Friday, root canal on Monday, consultation in Boston, etc.,but I am sure I will be back on this  board.

Thanks again.

--Jo 

LorenaB

Jo, sounds like a good decision.  I'm at Dana Farber, too.  I've been taking the commuter rail and the T into the hospital in the a.m. on the days of my treatments (just to give you an indication of how OK I feel at that point), and then getting a ride home.

Good luck w/ everything.

Lauren