I think I am rediscovering myself!

Ka-Loni

I think I am rediscovering myself!

Ka-Loni

Hello Sweeties, Boy! I do not want to sound strange, but, these past few months I really have felt so different. I am not sure what I might be going through here. I have not hit my Menapause button yet? I am 41 trying to go on 35. Ha! Marin? "Fitchik", you might know. I have difinitely moved on beyond my cancer. Thank God! Before, my cancer and during, I was so into my boyfriend that I do live with now. I am not in Love. He is my bestfriend. But, now, I am very distant toward him and others. I like to be by myself alot. And, I want to live by myself soon. And, I would like to even refurbish my new home with different kinds of things. Yes, My taste has even changed. I even have met a young man online that I talk to everyday. Something, I thought I would never do. He is 10 years younger than me. And, he lives in Sidi Bennour, Morocco. He calls me, and even sends beautiful cards to me in the mail. Boy! At one time you would never catch me doing this, but, now here I am and loving it. ?? I love him. And, he loves me. He even speaks French and has a accent sometimes I can not even understand. And, yes he is a Muslim man. I am American. What is this? He can not get a Visa to come here, so I am wanting to go visit him in Morocco. Good God! What am I thinkin? Is this OK? Especially, if I am happy with him? I think I am definitely moving on here, but in what direction? What is this all about anyway?

God Bless Us All. 

Kaloni

abbadoodles

Kaloni, it is wonderful that you are "feeling your oats."  Have a great time. 

A word to the wise: Just watch out for those foreign types that need you for a green card. 

Tina

abbadoodles

Kaloni, it is wonderful that you are "feeling your oats."  Have a great time. 

A word to the wise: Just watch out for those foreign types that need you for a green card. 

Tina

Harley44

Kaloni,

Glad that you are moving on...  please be careful, in a new relationship, you could get hurt!!!

Hugs,

harley

Harley44

Kaloni,

Glad that you are moving on...  please be careful, in a new relationship, you could get hurt!!!

Hugs,

harley

BethNY

I say go for it!  The move, the new furniture, the new lease on life!  However, I advise you to proceed with caution when it comes to a guy you met in a foreign country who doesn't have a VISA and want syou to come there.

I don't want to knock it, but there have been too many stories on the news about scenarios such as that.  Just don't send any money, and if you do go there to visit I wouldn't travel alone.

Other than that, I want to hear stories about all your new, exciting adventures!

GrandmaWolf

Kaloni,

You have been through a lot, but as a woman who is older, and traveled that path of the 40's even before I had breast cancer, let me just say.  Have a "great time", making all things new... just do not commit to ANYOne until you have known them for at least 3 years.  It is positively amazing how a person's magic will change after a couple of years. What emerges after awhile is a real flesh and blood person in a day to day life.  That wonderful "In Love" doesn't always grow into love.

I had a ball in my 40's with memories to warm me when I am 90, but now many years later I have yet a different perspecive on life.

So get out there and "Live", ... just don't make impulsive committments that will affect your entire life.

Good Luck

Dakota Wolf

Anonymous

((((((Kaloni hun))))))! That is too Kooooo-ooooL! I say go with all of these new feelings and yearnings and taste all that life has to offer....you've earned it! I'm not sure I'd recommend taking off for Morocco without assurance of a return option, but a visit? Why the hell not? I actually just hired a young girl, a real Southern belle, who is married to a guy from Morocco. They met while both working in a local Subway! Anyway, she loves the country, the culture and even the food.

Really, Kaloni, it's so nice to hear that you can see the sunshine again. Didn't I tell ya?

~Marin

shokk

I am sure I'm the only one that believes this and I certainly don't want to rain on your happiness but I think you are out of your ever loving mind........jmo..........Shokk

Ka-Loni

Hi Marin, I for some reason knew you would agree. Boy! what has happened to these ladies here. They are not adventurous at all. Well, for me I am going to enjoy my life. And, the days that I can. They say Morocco is beautiful, and I can bring some nice Decor back!

Thanks Marin.

God Bless You,

Kaloni

Anonymous

Kaloni: I think we all hope you have a great time (in Morocco as well as in life in general). We nurturing types can't help but say "be careful!", but I don't think they mean don't do it! Do it! You are an adult, not an 18 year old going away to college! Have fun and enjoy!

2up

kaloni ........ i'm thinking if you want to knock the girls here who are responding cautiously to your post, then don't post at all.

.......... seems to me everybody is trying to be helpful.  "rediscover" away, but be careful ........ sometimes we get so full of ourselves and our new found lives that we forget to be cautious and realistic ......... please trust me, i know this first hand!

mke

When I first had BC my husband went into an internet romance.  He was unbelievably cruel to me.  I could not understand why he was behaving as he did.  That has given me a skewed opinion of internet romance - I think it is full of liars and users.

Where is your live in boy friend in all this?  If he has been there at your side doesn't he at least deserve a heads up?  How are you treating your best friend?

2up

"POSER" ......... now i'm just pissed off (as usual)

"kaloni" if you're for real then get a grip and post this crap on a dating board where it belongs, otherwise 'piss off' .......... wtf does this have to do with bc????? 

shokk

((((Shel))))........let me just say this.........Kaloni I think that this is the "Moving Beyond Cancer" thread so I do think this is the appropriate place to post............I too am a triple negative bc survivor and lets face it when I treatment stop it just stops.......there is nothing for us to take to try and prevent a recurrence...........Kaloni I know you are sick to death of cancer and this Internet romance is relieving you of the constant cancer thought that we have to live with........and love makes us feel alive again.............it gives us a sense of hope that for many of us is lost when we get our bc dx........and I do understand that your current relationship could be coming to a close.........cancer changes us profoundly and there really is nothing we can do about it...........you do need to end your current relationship if you are no longer in love.......that happens for all of us at one time or another.....it could have happen regardless of you ever having cancer..........but cancer has a tendency to give us an expiration date and we really do understand life is just too short...........but let me say this if you are going to spend money on a trip to Morocco why don't you at least hire a private investigator to at least check this guy out......there are people that specialize in these background checks for overseas and at least you won't go in so "blind"  I really do wish you luck..........Shokk

althea

Wow, I certainly found something different in this thread than the impression I got from the title.  First off, some of my very best friends in real life are people I met on the internet first.  None of them are romantic relationships, but I do believe the internet is a great place to meet people.  And I've heard Morrocco is a fantastic place to visit.  Parties last for DAYS there. 

There's also lots of people who misrepresent themselves on the internet also, espeically from Africa.  Kaloni, I would encourage you to do a self assessment on how well do you think you do in your relationships in general.  Do you get too close too fast?  Does your history reflect wise choices or poor ones?  I know for me I chose very poorly when I got married.  As it unravelled, I was determined to figure out why I chose as I did so I wouldn't ever make that same mistake twice.  I think I made strides, but now I think I might be single for the remainder of my life!  

I guess what gives me pause based on how you titled this thread, followed by your proclamation of feelings for this man, I have to wonder, how have you truly rediscovered YOURSELF when the content of the message pertains to a man on the other side of the planet.  Even if it was someone next door, I would still be wondering, where is the time for yourself?  Has your current relationship even come to a close yet?  I also wonder what direction you are following with this.  The only person who can answer that is yourself.  

fwiw, I agree with shokk, just about anything is fair game for the moving beyond section.  A lot of people get to know each other here and it's a relief to talk about things that aren't bc related, as if there really is such a thing when it comes to moving on.  It impacts our lives in so many pervasive ways, including our relationships.  There's no need to look at this thread any further if the person reading it is interested in 'bc-only' topics.  Surely there's room for everyone here (except spammers!  may a pox befall every spammer to disgrace this forum).   

Anonymous

I just have to say this...

Shel38 - I am only a fairly new poster (not the 3349 posts like you), however, unless there is something else going here I don't know about, what reason do you have to be so venomous?

I have never responded on this site to someone's comments before, but what you posted here haunted me since I read it. I just had to come back here and ask what the anger is about...

2up

laura, you are right ......... i got my fur up because kaloni asked "what had happened to you ladies"  or some such thing.

.......... anyhow i'm not a venomous or mean spirited girl ............. i was wrong and will delete my posts along with my apologies.

i guess i got my back up because a survivor was criticizing other survivors.

i apologize sincerely. 

shokk

I am going to jump back in here because I feel I might have started the fire but of course kaloni asked for our opinions..............I certainly would never speak for Shel.........Laura let me say this and I may be wrong but when Shel was dx and going through treatment and continues till this day the love of her life left her........I have a sneaky suspension that Shel may be somewhat incensed that kaloni is thinking of leaving the man that has stood by her and taken care of her during probably one of the worse times of her life and to add insult to injury having an Internet affair with some guy whom may be or may not be from Morocco.........she has no idea whom this guy is and let's face whether anyone want's to say it out loud will except for Shel and I this woman is walking into some very dangerous territory........and we all know it.......she wants to post her and have everyone tell go for it and all that crap.........it's bs and not only could she lose someone that is real and appears to love her but could end up not only being taken for a ride with her money but with her own personal safety......of course this is just MO and Shel I'm sorry if I have spoken out of turn......I just worry about you..............Shokk

sccruiser

I happened upon this thread by chance and wanted to briefly say that I agree with Shokk and others who suggest going slowly. The reason is I have a dear friend (male) that traveled to Morocco a few years ago. I asked him about the trip because I wanted to go there. He loved it, but suggested that no woman should travel there alone. He says it is not safe, and that a woman should be "accompanied" to keep her respect. Sometimes customs for women are different in another culture, even if you don't belong to that culture. Be sure to check out the customs, and go with a friend. Please. I think Shokk is right--many will worry about you.

LorenaB

Kaloni, I'm new to this section (and I'm not "moving on" yet, I'm smack in the middle of chemo) but is it ok if I chime in?  First of all, I do not think you are "out of your ever lovin' mind."  I met my boyfriend via the internet and I have many dear friends who I got to know through an internet forum similar to this one.  My ex-H is an immigrant who was undocumented when we met.  (Our marriage didn't work out because we weren't right for each other, not because of his background or immigration issues.  We are still good friends and good co-parents.)  Finally, I used to have a coworker whose dh was from Morocco -- and my son's first babysitter was Muslim -- so I certainly don't have prejudices against people from that part of the world.

I do have to say that taking someone with you when you go is probably a good idea.  My two 20-something cousins were in Morocco recently and they said that travelling there alone as women was pretty exhausting.  And also it is true that some people misrepresent themselves.  When I was on the dating boards I had a lot in my profile about interest in other cultures, being open-minded, etc., and I got a number of emails from guys in other countries that just made me laugh, since they were clearly looking for a way to get into this country.  Of course, the man you've been corresponding with is probably not like this -- but you never know.  So I think all the advice to be careful makes sense.  I understand the urge to move on and explore new parts of yourself, and I have certainly taken risks in my life (when I was 26 I went to live in Colombia for a year and a half all by myself) but just keep your eyes open for anything that feels less than honest.

And enjoy!  Good luck to you.

Lauren

Ka-Loni

Hello Shel, You know, I am really glad I never read your mean and cruel post here. That is not intended for this board. I am really sorry about how you feel. For one, I love my breastcancer sisters here. My intentions are not to be criticizing toward any of them. The statement "what happened to these ladies", in my mind was a positive statement only. It only means why don't you just live life to its fullest. Sorry. And, Shel Be happy.

God Bless,

Kaloni

Ka-Loni

Hello Shokk, No, I think I may of started the fire here. And, should be under a different thread. Sure jump in though. It can be very interesting. Yes, the man I live with is my bestfriend. He has been here for me through my Cancer, and still is. We both know we are not in Love. But, we do live together still. He Knows I am a different woman. He is different, as well. We both support each others happiness wherever that takes us. And, we both live our own lives. Yes, he does know my Moroccan friend. I talk to him everyday, and see him on my webcam. And, he even calls me on my computer and phone. I have met his family as well on my webcam. Yes, they are sure different, but they are sweet people. Bouchaib sends me beautiful cards in the mail. And, I have sent him a beautiful card, as well, with my pictures. He put two pictures of me on his computer desk. Yes, I said, I would like to visit him. But, yes, I am not a stupid woman by no means. I do know it is unsafe for me. I did tell him that. And, he understands. I want to know him a while first I told him. And, I am investigating him thoroughly before I ever go to Morocco to visit him. He has sent me public papers in two languages. English and Arabic. I will be verifying that his public records are genuine. And, legit. No worries ladies. Live your life to the fullest.

God Bless,

Kaloni

Bren-2007

Kaloni,

I've been following this thread since the beginning.  Unlike you, I did read Shel's posts, or at least one of them.  I didn't find it mean or cruel.  She said something I was wondering about as well. 

From what I've read, it seems all these wonderful women have given you some great words of advice and encouragement.

Shel does live her life.  She works full time at a difficult, high level nursing position, while undergoing treatment for Stage IV cancer. She raises her daughter as a single parent, travels, and does all this with no help or support from her family. 

Yep, no doubt about it, Shel is high-spirited!!

I'm glad to read you are rediscovering yourself.  Not an easy thing to do after cancer dx and tx. 

But, with or without cancer, starting a relationship with another man, virtual or next door, is just not something I would consider.  My husband cheated on me with his secy and left me for her, after I spent all my savings, 401K, etc., to put him through law school.

I think Shel may have been responding to the fact that in rediscovering yourself (which is a good thing), it may be wise to let go of your current relationship first.

Lots of best wishes to you,

Bren

PS - Kaloni, just saw your recent post!!  I think we were under the impression you were still involved in a love relationship with your current boyfriend.  Sounds like you've got things under control.

Again, best wishes to you.

abbadoodles

Just a slightly irreverent aside but it may not be as crazy as you think.  If you've never met the man, how do you know you will be attracted to his scent?  Ah, pheromones.  They are said to play a critical role in lasting attraction.

Any comments, ladies?  What do you think about the biological bases for sexual attraction? 

Tina

Bren-2007

I gotta be able to smell my man first!!  Don't know how scientific that is.

Mary-Lou

All "LOVE" starts out the same, then there is dirty underwear........I married "My Best Friend"

Be careful of the "Feeling" you are feeling. You know it wears off in time. Then you have just what you have now.

I know this first hand, I'm in my second marriage. I was with my first husband for over 25 years and my second husband for nearly 8 years. I have watched the stages go and come.

 The difference that stands out the most is , my first husband was abusive, and this one is a teddy bear....

I should have married my best friend first, and then I could have grown old with him from being young and in love. I had to start from 43. I'm 52 now, and have grown very old in the last 2 years. I'm so glad he is the same age as I am, so we kinda change at the same time in life.

I could not imagine being with a man 42 ....I would hide in the closet and never come out.

You will grow old someday......make sure you are with someone who will be there through it all, no matter what.

Remember the grass is always greener on the other side.

Living with a man is just that, living with a man...LOL

Bren-2007

Yep, Mary, my Tim smells just the same as he did when we first met.  Uniquely him.  He's my best friend in the whole world. 

Anonymous

Shel38 - I understand more now. Sorry your post hit me wrong. Here is a ((((((((((((((((hug))))))))))))))))) for your current circumstance and I know more about the worry you have for "the traveler". Thanks, and sorry.

Mary-Lou

Yes, I have to smell the man too. See his teeth, hear his voice, and know his bank account. I will not keep a man....

I could never fall in love on the computer. You don't know who is really on the other end. Just like here, I could be a man somewhere reading this at this moment.

Do you know for sure. Plus, if a man wants to meet me, he could get to me, not the other way around. It would have to be his dime. I'm worth the time and money if you want to know me.

It all sounds fishy at best.