Intimacy in a wig

LorenaB

Intimacy in a wig

LorenaB

For those of you who have gone through chemo, did losing your hair make you feel different about yourself and your relationships?  My boyfriend came over last night after my son went to sleep, and we ended up in bed together for the first time since I shaved my head (it's still fresh, it was only this past Saturday).  The intimacy was wonderful, as was the fact that he is still attracted to me despite what I'm going through (gained 15 lbs since dx, just healed from second breast surgery, mastectomy to come in a couple of months, and oh yes, I am BALD).  But I just felt so, I don't know, disconnected from my body, like I'm not quite inside myself anymore.  He hasn't seen me hatless yet -- I don't think he's ready for it, he hasn't asked -- so I just kept the wig on the whole time and it just felt so icky having that fuzzy foreign thing between us.  But I think without it I might have felt worse -- I'm still scared to look at myself in the mirror with a stubbly head, I look/feel like an alien.

My bf is a very kind, warm person but he is really not good at expressing his feelings verbally.  I asked him how he felt about all of this (meaning me and my bc) last night, and he just said "one day at a time."  He is a good listener and very affectionate but I don't know what he is thinking/feeling a lot of the time. 

Did anyone else have these feelings?  I'm not sure if it would be different if I were married or lived with my SO -- bf and I see each other a few times a week but we only spend nights together occasionally (due to his sleep issues and our schedules with our respective children).  And, does it get better???  Will I feel like this for the next 6 months until my hair grows back?  

Lauren 

smithlme

Lauren,

I understand your feeling like an alien. I looked like Uncle Fester and felt like my body was coming apart in chunks. This "new me" is taking a while to get use to. Parts are achy and my nerve endings aren't where they're supposed to be. If I touch one area, I feel it in another.

My husband and I have a "commuter marriage." We live 4 hours apart and see each other twice a month. It's a loooong story but we got married 6 months ago, bald and all. Since he doesn't see me every day, my changing looks caused me a lot of worry. I use to keep the lights off and wear a hat to bed. He has never said one negative word about my appearance and he was the one that shaved my head.

Your bf sounds like a sweetheart. Some men walk away at the first sign of trouble and yours has chosen to stay. It takes a while to get comfortable with your new body. He loves you for who you are on the inside...

Linda

Anonymous

OHMYGOD, Lauren, this was absolutely my most favorite topic while I was doing chemo and bald! In fact, my wig lady told everyone who would listen about my special-ordering double-sided wig tape in order to ensure, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that my wig wouldn't move even a millimeter during wild-and-crazy sex. She thought it was hilarious. Me? Not so much.

Seriously, I had a huge issue with my looks throughout chemo and was beyond obsessive about looking as gorgeous as I possibly could in order to create for myself and everyone else the illusion that I was still "normal" and had a life. I know it sounds insane, the lengths to which I claim to have gone, but it totally worked for me and I'd do it all again in a heartbeat if I had to have chemo. I mean, Lauren, I even started tanning duriong chemo so I'd look hot. Oy, huh? My boyfriend, at the time, was 12 years younger than I and I always felt insecure with him, so that contributed alot to my obsessions and inhibitions. It sounds like you have a far more understanding guy who will definitely care for you know matter what. So my advice to you is to go with whatever you feel comfortable with and don't worry about pleasing him on the issue one way or another. He probably prefers that you just relax and enjoy the intimacy and, truly, isn't that the best approach? It's crappy enough to have to go through these horrific treatments without also denying ourselves the pleasure of deep intimacy with a lover.

But just in case, Lauren, I still have an entire bag full of the tapes, in case you're interested....?  

~Marin

Jaybird627

No advice here as I didn't have sex while I was bald but more power to you, Lauren, for continuing to live your life as normally as possible!

WildRose

I could use some of that tape. It's very windy here. Is it available at wig supply stores?

Anonymous

Rose...My wig lady ordered it from somewhere. When I was waiting for a re-supply once, I found some at Sally's Beaty Suplly that worked okay, but wasn't as good as the ones she had ordered.

I'm serious about having a bagful still. PM me with your address and I'll send them to you!

I read your post under "MOJO" and it sounds like you're gonna need some anchors for that wig! Rock on, I say!

~Marin

LorenaB

Marin, that's funny about the sticky tape!  You must've really liked that wig....  We all do what works to feel better about ourselves during this dreadful time.  For me, it isn't so much about looking great -- it's about feeling like me.  People tell me I look good -- which I translate into "you look fine, not like a sick person" -- and I'm glad for that, but for me the wig is more a psychological barrier than anything else.  I'm happy to say that I've found a temporary fix that works for me -- one of those funny half-wigs (I guess it's called a fall?) that looks almost exactly like my real hair, with a great hat on top.  Finally I can look in the mirror and see myself looking back.

As for the intimacy -- next time I'm just going to put a cotton sleep cap or a scarf on my head.  I won't look beautiful but I won't feel fake -- and if it comes off in the heat of the moment, well, let's just hope he's so into it that he won't even notice.

WildRose -- I hope you took Marin up on her offer and got that wig tape!  And I hope your short time with the long-distance bf is fabulous!  You deserve some fabulous in your life.  Don't we all???

Lauren

jdg1

Lorena,

I can relate to what you went through.  I have a live in BF of 9years and after I was bald I didn't feel I was attractive anymore.  My BF felt the akwardness asked what was wrong I told him and all he said is it is what is in your heart that I fell in love with you for not your hair or your appearance.  Even with him saying that it was still uncomfortable.  I would not wear my wig to bed I always had a badanna on.  But now that I have a little hair back I don't wear them anymore.  I am 4 months out from chemo.  Hang in there.

Marin,

To funny about the tape.  I am glad that it worked for you. 

June

jdash

i have a real hair wig  long and blonde with bangs- i had it made just like my hair when I had it and i am 2 yrs out of chemo - i would love to pass it on to another single woman in need   it was over 1200$ and my best friends chipped in and surprised me by paying for it

its hot!  lol    if anyone interested get in touch with me

xoxo

julia

WildRose

Thanks Lauren and Marin!

Hoping to get the mojo -- and really need the wig tape -- if he's going to grow up and stay supportive (he has been so far, since we got back together).

I'm still waiting to hear about a job...and unemployment...  

Anonymous

Ohhhhhhh....THAT tape!!!! I'll send it as soon as i can get to the post office- probably Wednesday. You're gonna love it!

~Marin

WildRose

ROFLOL. Thanks, Marin!

Anonymous

Rose....Your wig tape is on the way. NOW you can screw your head off...but your "hair" will stay on !!!

~Marin

WildRose

Marin Wrote "Rose....Your wig tape is on the way. NOW you can screw your head off...but your "hair" will stay on!"

Yes! Just what I needed!

We seem to be doing OK (<fingers crossed>) and If I get this job I'm interviewing for, I'll be six hours from him. That could easily be done on a long weekend. Regardless of what we've been through and what a poophead he can be at times, I do still want to take him for a test drive....

  

Jaybird627

Drive him hard, Rose, drive him fast and hard!

Anonymous

Oooooooooooooooooooooooooooo......sweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet! I need me a fine, strapping stallion to ride fast and hard too ! My new guy is way too much of a gentleman and seems to think we need to be "friends" first. I told him that when I want a friend, I call a girlfriend, but he says he doesn't want for us to be "just in lust." I think that there's actually alot to be said for lust, doncha'all?

~Marin

Jaybird627

Um, Marin, 'waiting' is okay, buuuuuuuuut...............

aren't you two good enough 'friends' by now??? What gives? I understand waiting until date #3 () but if he doesn't want to be intimate by now, when the hell will he be ready???

Just asking, as inquiring minds want to know..............

lilith

) Lorena, I sure hope you find your way to do it. To me, it was a lifesaver - and I am measuring my words.

I met my BF during chemo - at the start. It was scary as hell to "come out" as the bald cancer chick with a guy who I was falling for big way... He was the sweetest possible, and during the whole ordeal - even when I could see myself tired and sick in the mirror - I've always been able to see myself whole and desirable in his eyes.

He has been checking almost daily my re-growth since last Jan... and is very excited about my new reconstructed boobs... Hopefully, he will still love me when I'll be whole again - he only knew me bald and mono-breasted!!! (just kidding but sometimes I wonder).

ltrimnal

jdash - i have alopecia areata ... it began when i was 35  ... 8 years ago ... if you still have your wig ... i would like to talk with you about it ... dee trimnal at hot mail dot com

Mini71935

Hi Lilith

I was so relieved to know I was not the only single person going through all this stuff.  Everything i was reading told me about husbands helping and hello I did not have one of those.  I met a guy and dated him 4 or 5 times then found out I had Breast Cancer and life went crazy. He is a very nice man but I feel so sick and ugly at the  moment I can't understand why he still is hanging in there.

My major problem is I don't have the steminah to have a relationship at the moment and is he hanging in there because he cares for me or feels sorry for me. I feelI  I have enough on my plate just living and coping with the treatment. I still have 3 chemo sessions 35 radiation and not to mention the hormone treatment to go.

I hope all went well with you and your B.F. I could use a happy ending story 

I wish life was simple............Bye.Mini