How to talk to bc newbie to stop drinking

mailman

How to talk to bc newbie to stop drinking

mailman

Hi ,

Well,  I have done a lot of reading on alcohol consumption and breast cancer.  My friend is a very heavy drinker.  She uses alcohol as a coping mechanism.  Over the past two years I have done nothing to stop her but suggested to her often to stop the heavy drinking.  Now that she is facing BC and starting chemo next week I am not sure I can stop her drinking.  I am very fustrated ladies.  I understand her need for support, and her need to cope with her hurts, etc.  I am not sure that I can do anything for her in this department and I am hoping that I won't have to watch her make it harder on herself.  I know that if I get attacked a lot by trying to help her that my personality will end up withdrawing from her support network which is nill at this point.  I fear for her,  and fear for me to be frank.  I Guess I am feeling a bit anxious and have fleeting moments of where I just feel like running away from the stress but I won't.  I am not saying she should stop drinking but I do think that she is a alcoholic and thus Iam not sure what to do anymore.  I have asked her to go to AA over the years but she won't. Now?  Well,  I am thinking that I am in a now win situation here,  that I am going to witness hurt and pain and its going to be worse because I can't stop her from drinking.  Iknow she needs to escape but I am not sure that this is a good thing for her do .................oh well,  I am rambling

Hattie

She has to decide. if you talk to her now, it may sound like you are blaming her for her bc. Maybe offer her other stress relief--walks, listening, a funny movie, a support group for others with bc or cancer.



you sound like a good friend. It's hard to stand by but sometimes a friend just does stay there, at the ready.



Take care,

--Hattie

AnnNYC

hi mailman -- have you ever gone to Al-Anon?  I think the group -- or even just their literature -- can be very helpful in supporting a person affected by someone else's drinking.

[If you had a childhood where you were taking care of parents who had issues like alcoholism or mental illness -- there's a group called Adult Children of Alcoholics (I think it accepts people whose parents had other dysfunctional issues, not just literally alcoholism).]

As you have experienced, it is very difficult to deal with someone else's drinking problem or similar problems -- if you don't find a 12-step group helpful, you might want to talk to a counselor who can help you separate out the strands of: wanting to be a good friend, wanting to help your friend, what your hopes are for a good return on your investment of friendship or more in this relationship, how to handle your own hopes and disappointments, etc.

Either heavy drinking or BC is a difficult scenario.  I recommend you get all the support you can!  This may help you to give your friend support while protecting yourself.

Wishing you the best,

Ann

mailman

Thanks Ann,  I think I will  get some help on this as I know she isn't going to stop drinking. So,  that means simply need to realize what I can do to make it healthy as possible for me.

Yogi70

Mailman, 

You are truly a good friend. I know it is hard for you to watch your friend indulge in this self-destructive behavior especially since she is facing BC. But she has to take responsibility for herself and her health. I know its hurtful to watch and although I have never dealt with a situation like yours, I would say continue to be the best friend that you can, offer your support but let her know that you will not watch her self-destruct.  Is there no one else you can team up with to stage an intervention?   I wish I could help you but know that you and your friend are in my prayers.

Yogi 

twink

I like Hattie's advice.  A friend stands-by, doesn't judge and doesn't try to place blame.  The alcohol may or may not have contributed to your friend's BC, who knows.  Trying to 'stop her drinking' is fruitless both for you and her.  You'll end up frustrated, she may feel guilty or, even worse, blame herself (which is pointless after the fact), and your friendship may suffer as a result.  She'll stop if and when she wants to. If alcohol is a coping mechanism, she's going to have that much more to cope with and will need your support more than ever. 

(I write this after a few martinis and ... well, maybe my drinking caused the BC, maybe it didn't, maybe it'll cause a recurrence or maybe not... maybe I'll live to a ripe old age and maybe I won't... maybe I'll shrivel up and die before I die or maybe I won't... maybe... WTF... maybe somebody can tell me what I should do, what I can eat, where I can live or which genes to ditch... maybe I'll just enjoy the simple things in my life and throw the dice.) 

dhettish

Hi Mailman,

What a good friend. But you have to understand that you are powerless over her drinking. She is the one who is going to have to decide she has had enough and decide to do something about it. This is so sad, because I have used the program of AA to get me through so much during my journey through BC. I no longer have to suffer in silence. I can reach for a friend rather than a drink. What a relief. 

I am recovering alcoholic and my husband is a member of Al-Anon. He could not make me change. I would not change for him. One day, I said enough and began to do the work to bring me to where I am today. Is she open to talking to another alcoholic? If so, you may call AA and see if two women will come and talk with her.  They are not going to lecture her or even mention her drinking. They will simply tell her their story...how their life was, what happened and what their life is like now. AA teaches us how to cope with life without a drink. It is not to teach us how not to drink. We can all do that. What we cannot do is live without a drink.

Ann is right about Al-Anon. This will help you.  I will say a prayer for you and your friend.

Debbie 

iodine

Then again, the side effects of chemo may provide the very thing to decrease her alcohol intake. 

As a child of alcoholics(or maybe just drunks or drinkers) I can assure you that you have absolutely no control over her drinking or not drinking.

Even tho you may be convinced that she is an alcoholic, you could be wrong, and you will learn a great deal more at AlAnon.

Give them a shot at easing your mind.

Bren-2007

Mailman,

Whether your friend is an alcohlic or walking that fine line, AlAnon is a great program for YOU. The 12-steps are a great code to live by no matter what your life situation.

Best of luck to you.

B.

LUVmy2girlZ

mailman~

Like others, I really don't drink at all....only social occasions which are few.  Yet, I still got BC...we don't know for certain if it is linked yet, heavy drinking in itself will take a toll on anyone...whether it's YOU or a friend.  Its easier said than done...acholism runs in my family...I guess that is why I never got caught up in it...I see and lived the addiction through them.  I too, never would approach them...its so difficult, yet I see at times there efforts.  She has to make that change but in the meantime I would take Ann's advice and see AA first on just how to approach someone on this difficult subject.

Perhaps, she will learn through this process...life is such a blessing and it could be snatched anytime.

BEST of luck to you and your friend.

danix5

Mailman,

Please inform the onco that she drinks if you are close enough to her to accompany her to those appts.  My father is an alcoholic and I no they have drugs to stop the cravings for the alcohol, did not work with my dad however, maybe her onco can prescribe one of those drugs.

I have not done chemo myself but my best friend did, I was there for her appts and the aftermath.  Let me tell you she may feel so crappy she does not want a drink after chemo.  Hell of a way to quit drinking but it may work!

Good Luck to you both!

Daniella

mailman

Thanks to all of you for the sound advice mentioned above.  My friend has asked for a prescription from her doctor (months ago).  I apologize but I can't remember the name  but do know that when taken any alcohol consumption would cause severe vomiting.  I think my friend knows she is a alcoholic.  She simply has used alcohol as a coping mechanism.  As you all suggested,  I am going to contact AA and Alanon for help.  I need it for me as I don't want to feel responsible for her actions.  I don't want to make this harder on her than it has to be , that being her BC.  Thanks again for all your input.

AnnieBird55

I think Al-Anon is a great idea.

I noticed something in your post: "I know she isn't going to stop drinking. So,  that means simply need to realize what I can do to make it healthy as possible for me. "

I think it might be more helpful for her if she sensed that you knew she had the courage to stop. When fighting disease (alcoholism or bc) it is wonderful to know that there is hope, and, your loves ones believe there is hope, and believe you one's strength to fight the disease.

Some (easy) Suggestions:

-Buy her some herbal teas or juices and drink them with her.

- Avoid situations where others/you may consume alcohol (bars, etc)

You do sound like a truly concerned friend and that is wonderful,

Anne

snowyday

You are such a good friend, but I wonder if the side effects of chemo will stop the drinking holy shit I couldn't imagine having even one drink while on chemo. Too scared and felt so badly.  Lets hope she realizes and quits or the se's will just stop her from wanting it. Maybe try hook her up with a counsellor I wish her the best of luck. Pearl