Just the beginning of a long road

LorenaB

Just the beginning of a long road

LorenaB

Usually I am pretty good at taking things one day/one week at a time, keeping focused on my "to do" list and on my little boy, but this morning I woke up feeling so weary and so scared of what this year will bring.

I was dx in late December, had lumpectomy and SNB in January, then had re-excision and axillary dissection last week.  My arm hurts so much when the ibuprofen wears off, I know it's healing normally, but it's been a week and I want to just be a regular person and go back to work already!  On Tuesday I got the pathology report, which contained good and bad news: the nodes were all clear (only the sentinal node had microscopic cancer cells) but the breast tissue showed "DCIS on all margins."  The surgeon is recommending a mastectomy.  I will be going through chemo first (starting in about 3 weeks), then the mastectomy w/ reconstruction, then possibly radiation, depending on what the radiation oncologist recommends.

 So in the course of a couple of months, I've gone from a "small cancer" to be removed by lumpectomy, radiation and possibly chemo, to almost a full year of surgeries and treatments looming ahead of me. 

Then there is the other stuff going on in my life that would have been hard even without the cancer diagnosis.  It's been almost two years since my husband and I separated.  We are still friends and good co-parents together, and he has been incredibly supportive through all of this (and he also happens to be a nurse).  But January was supposed to be the time when we finally filed the divorce paperwork.  Then bc happened and I knew that I couldn't deal with one more emotionally trying thing at the same time, so I've put that off.  Which might not be the best thing, because he now has another child, and there might be issues re: child support down the road.  His girlfriend just had a baby about 3 weeks ago.  This is very, very hard for me because I always wanted another child, but we decided to stop at one for financial reasons, and because our relationship was always sort of rocky.  I am 41, which means that chemo will almost certainly put  me into menopause -- so there goes my tiny hope for having another child, at least biologically (I still may adopt someday). 

Then there's The Boyfriend.  We've been together for almost a year, but he just isn't acting like a significant other to me.  The first few months of our relationship were totally intense, but now he doesn't even use the "L" word anymore.  Sometimes he can be very thoughtful, and other times he doesn't have the faintest clue about what I need.  It's an added frustratation that I don't need right now -- but I also don't want to deal with the trauma of ending the relationship on top of everything else.

I keep trying to remind myself of how lucky I am.  I have a wonderful little boy, amazing coworkers, good friends, a great family (who don't live in this area but are willing to come and help me).  I have an ex-H who is more like family, who is going to move back to our town so he can be here for our son while I'm going through treatment and surgery.  I have good health insurance, which I know is huge -- I don't have a lot of $$ but at least bc isn't going to leave me in debt.  And I'm relatively young and (other than cancer) relatively healthy, which I know will help me with recovery at every step.  But sitting here, alone, in my little apartment with an aching arm, scary treatment and even scarier surgery on the horizon, and no one to be here and take care of me on a daily basis... it's just hitting me hard today.

Thanks for "listening."

Lauren

my3girls

LAUREN, OH MY..READING YOUR POST...I FELT LIKE I WAS IN VERY MANY WAYS REREADING MY LAST YEAR!! I CAN RELATE TO YOU ON SO MANY LEVELS. YOUR DIAGNOSIS IS ALMOST THE SAME AS MINE. I HAD NO NODE INVOLVEMENT HOWEVER. I WAS DIAGNOSED LAST MARCH...WENT THROUGH 8 TX OF CHEMO, LUMPECTOMY AND 22 NODES REMOVED 9/24/07, THEN FOUND OUT NODES GOOD, BUT MARGINS NOT CLEAR.  HAD A MASTECTOMY 1 WEEK LATER.  THEY THOUGHT I WOULD NEED RADIATION, SO WE DID NOT RECONSTRUCT.  I HOWEVER DID NOT NEED RADIATION, SO I JUST GOT MY TRAM FLAP RECONSTRUCTION ALMOST 4 WEEKS AGO. CAN I SAY, THAT I UNDERSTAND ALL TOO WELL EXACTLY HOW YOU ARE FEELING!! DO CONCENTRATE ON THE POSITIVE THINGS IN YOUR LIFE, RIGHT NOW...AS HARD AS THAT MAY BE, IT DOES HELP. I WAS A NEWLY MARRIED (2ND MARRIAGE) WOMAN WHEN DIAGNOSED. MY NEW HUSBAND, STARTED TO CHANGE SHORTLY AFTER WE MARRIED.  WELL,, WHEN I WAS DIAGNOSED...HE DEFINITELY SHOWED ME HIS "TRUE COLORS"!  I WON'T GO INTO THE DETAILS...BUT AFTER MY FIRST TX...HE ENDED UP GETTING ANGRY AND LEFT.  I WENT THROUGH A QUICK DIVORCE 4 MONTHS AFTER DIAGNOSIS. I CAN ALSO RELATE ON THE MONEY ISSUE..AND LIKE YOU, I HAVE GREAT SUPPORT FROM FAMILY, FRIENDS AND WORK..AND I HAVE GREAT HEALTH INSURANCE. ABOUT THE CHANCE OF NOT HAVING ANOTHER CHILD...I COULD ALSO TALK TO YOU ABOUT THE ADOPTION PROCESS. I FEEL FOR YOU....I REALLY DO.  BUT MOST OF ALL....I CAN RELATE TO YOU!!!!!!! I WISH I WERE CLOSER...NOW THAT I AM IN A POSITION...I WOULD LOVE TO HELP YOU. TAKE A DEEP BREATH...KNOW THAT YOU ARE STRONG, AND CAN HANDLE ALL OF WHAT COMES YOUR WAY. AND CONCENTRATE ON YOUR PRECIOUS SON, AND ALL THE GOOD THINGS THAT YOU HAVE. PLEASE PM ME...IF YOU WANT TO DISCUSS ANYTHING AT ALL!! XOXO LISA

NaughtybyNature

Oh Lauren... we have so much in common.

About your cancer treatment, did you get a second opinion by any chance?  Or, if you feel comfortable w/ your present doctors, stick w/ what they say.  Unfortunately, I can't tell you much medical wise because I am a really lucky girl... my ordeal lasted only 9 months and no further treatment required.  I am functioning, BC related, on a need to know basis.

I too was a young mother (36) of a 7 year old at that time I was diagnosed, am now 41), my newly married and now x-husband at that time never supported me and my daughter's father was the A$$ that he still is today, either towards me or my daughter. 

Just hold on to the positive thoughts and the positive things you have on your side.  It helps a lot.

I w/ PM you. 

Luv and hugs,

my3girls

NAUGHTY..YOU, ME AND LAUREN....AMAZING...HOW MANY SIMILARITIES! MY EX (FATHER OF MY 3 DAUGHTERS) DOES NOT PAY A PENNY...AND HAS NOT FOR YEARS!  DON'T YOU WONDER HOW A PARENT CAN DO THAT? WE NEED TO STAY STRONG SISTERS!! WE ARE STRONG COURAGEOUS WOMEN!! WE WILL LEARN MANY DIFFICULT LESSONS...WHICH WILL ONLY STRENGTHEN US! XOXO

Anonymous

Lauren....My situation was/is somewhat different, but I want you to know that I feel for you. Listen to the women here because they are pretty wise and very, very helpful. Stick around and we will lift you up when you need it most! My best advice to you right now is to try and blind yourself to all of the extraneous issues like your bf and ex-husband. Let them go ahead and just take care of themselves. Your job right now is to focus solely on yourself and your son. Period.

Hang in there, hon. We're here for you.....

~Marin

NaughtybyNature

OMG Lisa!  Sorry, I did not read your reply to Lauren as I am at work (He-he!) and sneak picks at the BC.Org site here and there! 

The 2nd marriage is me, about 5 years ago!!!!! 

Remember this September I w/ be a 5 year BC survivor. 

Married June 1, 2003, diagnosed 9/3/03, divorced May 2, 2005!  Lived by myself and daughter since July 2004!

Now I have a wonderful BF of 3 years... but that is another story.

Jade's "sperm donor" owes me 34K and is presently taking me back to Court to lower the child support that he does not pay!  LOL

I am still waiting for him to come over and help Jade w/ her 3rd grade homework, and cook for her!  (She is now in 7th grade and has been a honor student since day one)!

So, all what you girls are going through, I have been there and done that, including not having time to freeze my eggs b/c I had to have chemo right away and went into menopause at age 37!  Still, I am very lucky... and don't want you girls to think that I am bragging, I am just very thankful to my Guardian Angel.

Bottom line, better days will come.  Hope is the last thing to go.  I am a testament to that. 

Positive thoughts girls, lots of positive energy and hopefully we w/ attract all positive things to us.

Lots of LUV,

NaughtybyNature

LorenaB/Lauren: how are you doing?  Thinking of you.

LorenaB

Thanks, NBN, Marin and 3girls -- it is always good to know that there are others in similar circumstances.  I'm feeling better today.  I had lunch w/ my boss and another coworker yesterday and they were SO nice -- I know that my job is secure, no matter how long this process takes, so that's one less thing to worry about.  Then I had dinner w/ my bf and his kids, and we had a little one-on-one time after they went to bed  so I feel more relaxed this a.m.  That relationship is what it is, it may not have a future but he's made it clear that he's not going to ditch me when I'm bald and pukey.

I can't wait for this arm to heal -- I'd like to have at least a couple of decent weeks before I start chemo!

Lauren 

Anonymous

Lauren,

I was, as you say, "ditched" within in a month after being dx'd...I didnt even know what my treatment would be!!!! I had the biopsy & told I had cancer. He stuck around until about two weeks after my lumpectomy then was gone like shot.....

This all from a man that I had been seeing and making life changing plans with for over a year!!!!! A man I thought I knew almost as well as myself...I miss him even today and its been almost 14 months since we last talked....

It took me a bit to deal with things, but  now the way I see it is: there is no doubt in my mind that I did know him the way I thought I did, it is really unexplainable how close we were.....I beat myself up really, really bad when he disappeared (he just kind of road off into the sunset, never to be heard from again).....I think back to our first conversation after the biopsy....the first words out of his mouth were "God, I hope not, the word cancer is one that I fear more than anything else in this world, but its something we can get through together".....at the time I didnt realize just how much he feared it....I felt betrayed to say the least, now I see that he did fear it more than he loved me so choose to go on with his life without dealing with "cancer"...it wasnt anything I had done or not done in our relationship......it just was.

I tried for a really long time to stay angry at the situation but after awhile realized it takes too much energy out of me so now I look back at our time together and try to smile as he showed me more about love in the time we were together than anyone ever has....Im trying to get back into the dating world now.....its kind of strange to say this but: sometimes I just want to call him and tell him that Im ok, the cancer is gone so he doesnt need to be scared anymore.....doesnt make sense does it?

Im sorry Im rambling...this is the first time Ive really talked about all this.....

What Im really trying to say is, it is hard to deal with emotional things will in treatment, but it sounds like for now your relationship is stable and this guy really cares....

Again sorry to ramble....I hope somewhere in that mess you get my meaning....I wish you the best!!!.

Jule

mailman

Hi,

I am new to your forum.  I want to say that my prayers are with all of you.

Anonymous

Hi Mark,

Welcome to the online breast cancer world....although Im sorry that you have the need to be here whether its for yourself or someone else, its always sad to see a new member no matter what...

You didnt say much in your post but your prayers and thoughts are most welcomed here....

I took the liberty to read you profile and discovered that you had made a post askig something but then you deleted it.....

Is there something we can help you with?????

Jule

LorenaB

Jule, thanks for your response.  I'm sorry that happened to you -- some people are just not strong enough to handle some of the bad stuff that life dishes out.  If it hadn't been bc, it probably would have been something else down the road that would have caused him to freak out on you, don't you think?

This week I'm back at work and trying to get back to normal (even though my arm still hurts) but there really is no "normal" anymore, know what I mean?  I feel like I'm dragging a rock with me wherever I go.  I'm not acting depressed or angry, so everyone thinks I am "so strong, what a great attitude" but the heaviness never quite goes away.

Lauren

carolsd

It's hard to feel "lucky" when you've just been diagnosed with cancer. No matter how favorable your diagnosis is, it's a life-defining moment that can really shift your whole existence.

I was single with 9 year old twins at DX. My ex was much like yours, very supportive, involved with the kids. It was helpful because I have no family within 1000 miles. But those moments when you're alone and imagining the worst are horrible. It's as if no one and nothing can comfort you. I want you to know I understand.

I guess the only thing I would urge you to do is put yourself first. You are going through a war and you need the strength of getting enough rest, saying "no" when you can, and generally edifying and helping yourself first. I know you have a little boy you love and wouldn't want to abandon, and I don't advocate abandoming him! But you know, the old airline analogy. First, put your own oxygen mask in place before you assist others. By watching out for yourself, you will be a healthier and abler caretaker for him.

Best of luck to you. Please keep us posted.

Anonymous

Lauren,

Yes I agree, something somewhere along the line would have sent him running for the hills.....maybe in ways Im forunate that it happened when it did....ya it hurt like hell and it took me alot to get past but maybe it would have been even worse later?......

I know what you mean about that heaviness never quite going away....I was never actually able to put a word to it but your words describe it perfectly....Im almost 16 months out of treatment now and things are finally starting to feel like maybe there is a normal, it just isnt the same normal that I once had, but in some ways its a better normal....you get here too I promise....

Hugs

Jule