Single, No Family, New to Area, Can't Work

nancyu

Single, No Family, New to Area, Can't Work

nancyu

I am 47, divorced for two years, am new to a small town in upstate NY and plan to move as soon as possible. 

I have very limited family - a sister in Florida that I was never close to and hadn't seen for 12 years until when my dad died in 2005, a cousin in AZ that I had not been in touch with for many years, and a mother who has some denial/is negative/and vascillates between being somewhat helpful to downtright toxic.  

I can not work or I will loose my Medicaid.  I have not worked in 2 1/2 years and it will be longer.  My last permanent and professional position ended in May 2003.  I am highly educated and have had some great jobs in the past that I am unable to do now (chemo brain, tendonitis syndrome in both shoulders), and do not do in the future. 

My family has always been my pets - currently a dog and 2 cats.  I'm great with the medical stuff.  Had a mastectomy/nodes, then a lumpectomy and port placement.  Made it through chemo well.  Had some rotten days, but no couch time with the pot.

Am going out of state for 6 weeks for radiation.

I would like to hear from other women in my situation.

snowyday

Hi Nancyu:  It's very hard to be single with children and no family around to help you. There are many support groups you can contact through your cancer clinic, so I would call them and find out where they are.  I feel bad for you and know how lonel and scary this disease can be.  The most important thing is to make sure that you find a support network it will help you stay strong for your child. I wish you all the best and hope you post again.  If you try the Cancer Society they will know of places you can go for support.  Good luck and all the best Pearl

Jaybird627

Nancy, as Snowy stated, contact the ACS for some (possible) support. Also, what about friends? Can anyone help, even in a small way? Where are you moving to - what about support there?

I wish you luck. Being 'alone' and 'single' while going through BC dx & tx can really suck but it's manageable with help - find yourself some so you can heal and get better.

WendyInCalif

::raises hand::  That would be me.  Just turned 50, single, no kids, no immediately family (mother died 6 months prior to my dx and brother died 4 weeks prior to my dx) and in a town that is relatively new to me. 

 I hired drive (shuttle service, Lincoln provided on behalf of the owner) to drive me 3 hours away and

take me to surgery.  Thankfully, a woman who had gone through a son with a cancer dx so she was understanding and sympathetic, and also spoke with surgeon while I was coming out of anesthesia.  I got some equity out of my home and paid so I would not have to deal with financial limitations during my work up.

My pets give me reason to be here.  The harshest thing that is spoken to me after one hears of my story, is about the woman with children who is in her 20s having BC and maybe they think, comparatively speaking, my having BC is not quite as bad as the young women with children have BC.  It is all the same.  We are all afraid of the this road and where it ultimately will take us.  It is a lonely feeling to hear that, makes me feel irrelevant unless a person will suffer from my not being here anymore.

But, I love life, find joy in nature, sunsets, animals of all sorts and am a kindred spirit to everyone's children, who appear to enjoy talking to me. 

Though we somewhat deviate from the norm, it should not distract from our being important in this world.  

I got through it.  Did not need chemo which I was so glad to hear as I know it would have rendered me unable to work; I was already profoundly depressed from the deaths of my only sibling and my mom, to the point where even bathing was a major feat - I had heard of that happening but until I experienced, couldn't quite understand how someone could not take care of their personal hygiene.  And I am a woman who had not stepped out of the house without makeup in since the age of 12.  I found myself wearing the same clothes each day, rolled out of bed to work (at home - alone - as a medical transcriber) and after work, climbed back into bed.  When dx'ed, I bought some new clothes, forced myself to get to my appts and tried to sleep as much as possible.  Xanax came in quite handy.   I did force myself to go for walks each day (for my dogs) and I made myself a promise that I would never stop my daily walks. 

It amazes me now that I managed to orchestrate my care from mammogram to last rad treatment.  It is all a blurr now but I remember thinking that were someone else in my life, I'd be able to relax a bit, not worry so much about forgetting some important detail.

I hope it is over now.  I am very tired, albeit grateful to be alive.  I just pulled more equity out of my home and plan on taking a vacation soon.  I forget who I am, I guess I will never be who I was before this dx.  But, right now, I am still a deer in headlights and a bit angry at times as well. 

So, yep, am single, no family, new to area but can work only due to my having an oncotypedx score of 15, which spared me from chemo at this point in time.

Bren-2007

Hi Wendy,

Happy Birthday!

Nancy,

I'll share a story with you.  I met Wendy through a discussion board related to our line of work.  We had just been diagnosed (almost a year ago) and reached out there.  Mostly an all female profession.  Well .. we started emailing.  Neither of us had been to this website, except to search for information.  I knew that she was single and had just lost her mom and brother, but what she didn't mention in her post was screw-ups getting diagnosed in a timely manner, incredible problems at work and at home.  I was kind've single, my boyfriend is a long distance truck driver.  I had just moved from the west to the east living in a new town, no family nearby, no friends, and no insurance.  I am self-employed and was fortunate to be referred to the Breast and Cervical Cancer screening program, which led to medicare coverage. I still work however.  My sister eventually moved an hour away from me, so she did accompany me to one of my doc appts and surgery.  However, I went through recovery from surgery and rads alone, took care of my home, 5 acres and 3 dogs.  It was hard and I was tired and lonely.

Wendy and I emailed everyday.  We went through diagnosis and treatment together.  We got each other through it.  She suffered incredible losses at the same time she was going through diagnosis and treatment. 

But together, we got through it.  And then after treatment I also joined some of the discussion threads on this board.

Stay close to us, we'll be here for you ... we understand what you're going through.

love and prayers for you.

Bren

Anonymous

"my having BC is not quite as bad as the young women with children have BC.  It is all the same.  We are all afraid of the this road and where it ultimately will take us.  It is a lonely feeling to hear that, makes me feel irrelevant unless a person will suffer from my not being here anymore"

Wendy, I am sorry that this was said to you. I am 44 and have a 6 year old.  Believe me, before having a daughter and before being married (now divorced), so many people would count me as irrelevant. Single women tend to get left in the lurch ... our society seems to be couple oriented.  Even now, a single mom, and since I have to work full time, we get left out of the Mom groups at school. It has taken a huge effort to get in there and volunteer at school when I already have a full time job. I am not lucky to be a stay at home mom.

The single woman, the woman with children ... whoever gets cancer is going to be scared. We are all scared of dying.  And being thought of as irrelevant or invisible is heartbreaking ...

We all matter.

LorenaB

Rocktobermom -- those are wise and sensitive words, thanks for expressing them.  I feel that as a parent, my concerns are different from someone who doesn't have any kids, but everyone's life is equally "relevant" and everyone's fears deserve respect.

I'm also a single mom who works FT, and I'm sometimes left out of things (although the teachers at my son's school are quite sensitive to the issues of working moms and do try to accommodate).  You are right about our society being couple-oriented, and this is really unfair.  The thing is, just because someone is married doesn't mean that she always gets the support and love that she needs (emotional or physical).  I try to remember this when I'm feeling lonely -- just because someone else's relationships looks perfect on the surface, doesn't mean that there isn't all sorts of bad stuff lurking underneath, right?

WendyInCalif

Thank you Rocktobermom,

It is funny the things that are said to me - like the oncologist telling me he and his wife have started a hospice business...I think that is a conflict of interest...lol.

But yeah, usually they do not mean anything unless it is said by someone who is important to me.

Having a comrade such as Brenda to walk through this, allowing me to put my thoughts of sheer terror in writing and having the words read by a person who knew first had what I was saying.  That was a Godsend.  I have to encourage others to do this - try to hook up with a comrade who was dxed near when you were and walk down the road together, hopefully with a dx that is somewhat similar.