Why do husbands make a woman crazy sometimes?!?!

Anonymous

I think if you feel you need to snoop, you need to end it .... it leaves you feeling insecure. We should all be with men who are upstanding and trustworthy.  I think if you decide to live with someone, then you only have moved in together AFTER you have been able to rely on him and have found him to be trustworthy after a series of events day in and day out. 

I can't stand liars and will never tolerate that ... my ex was a liar and I never trusted him after catching him in a series of lies .... (turned out his whole life he just lied and lied) and it really did end for me then, my heart was just broken inside, it just took a while to finish it but I knew it could not be saved. I tried to ignore my feelings but that contentment, that feeling of being loved and safe was gone.

Anonymous

BethNY, thanks for your input.  Actually, he won't be mad at me because he already Knows I don't trust him, knows I have good reason to and knows that I read his email.  He's told me that he has nothing to hide and he doesn't care if I do read his email.  His saying he has nothing to hide turns out to be a lie! 

Celia088, thank you and I agree with what you say.  I don't want to have to read his emails to find out the truth but it seems that is the only way I do find out things.  I can live with my doing it because of his untrustworthiness.  If he ever earns my trust back then I will absolutely stop doing it.  I'm not a liar and he knows that.  He has no reason to read my mail!  But if he did, I wouldn't mind.

Rocktobermom,  thanks and you're so right about the feeling of insecurity.  I hate it.  I did find him reliable before moving in with him after a very long relationship and it wasn't until after we moved in that I found him to be untrustworthy.  Some things he led me to believe before we started living together turned out to be lies.   Now we have a young child together, so the leaving isn't so easy.  The thing is, most of the lies are Stupid and there's just no reason for them.  He's a great father also and has been so supportive to me with my bc.  But when I saw he used the "cancer card" it just threw me for a loop. 

Anonymous

char-i'm real sorry this is happening with you and Karl

Bren-2007

Peanut,

I understand being in a situation where leaving isn't easy. I trusted my ex through 12 years of "stuff."  I NEVER snooped, went through his briefcase, wallet or desk.  Never even entered my mind.  Should have entered my mind a little sooner.  After cashing out my 401K, stocks, etc., and working my ass off to put him through law school, I found out 11 months later he was with his secretary.  How'd I find out ... just happened to open our cell phone bill.  Yikes!!! That was when I decided to check his briefcase.  That was the day I found her name, address AND my husband at her apartment.  I lost everything I had worked 12 years for.

I would wonder what your SO was doing during the time he was supposedly with you at the hospital, but not at company meetings.  As you mentioned, he's been trying to earn your trust back. I don't know what that's about.  The very last thing I ever thought my ex would do was cheat.  He was guilty of a million things... but that never entered my mind.  And he did it.

The day I found him, I got the courage to do things I never dreamed possible.  Moved money from bank accounts, opened new accounts, etc.  I had nothing of my own remember.  No medical insurance and no income at that point.  But in a moment of guilt and weakness on his part I made him put our home in my name.  I worked for it and I earned it.  I sold my dream home and had to go back to work. 

I raised my son on my own since he was 11 months old. That was my first husband who left when I was 21 years-old. 

Be strong ... you'll know what to do.  Follow your heart.

Bren

Anonymous

thanks Bren ... everyone, I appreciate your advice, I really do.  Sharing your own experiences and giving me heartfelt advice so kindly.  I came here because of the specific incident of him using my cancer as an excuse to miss meetings. I wasn't thinking clearly.  I didn't mean for this to turn into a discussion of my relationship with him but of course it would.  I'm sorry.  I just wanted to share how he did that and how crappy it made me feel.  Thanks for listening. 

Bren-2007

Geez,

Peanut ... you struck a chord with us ... and we were off and running. 

Take care,

Bren

PS - Tell him nobody gets to use the cancer card but us, except with our permission of course.

nosurrender

Bren, your story about the celphone bill is exactly how my friend found out about her husband's cheating. She saw all these calls to one number and finally called it and a woman answered. So she did the reverse look up, got the address and went to her house. She confronted the woman and the woman had no idea that her "boyfriend" was married.

Men can be really cruel sometimes and they always seem to slip up, like leaving a trail on their celphone bill that comes to the house.

I am glad you got away from him.

As far as someone else using our cancer as an excuse to get out of something? That is just plain wrong. 

Edited to add- my friend is STILL with him. She never left him and she lives  like a nervous wreck all the time. She is always looking for clues or more slip ups but he is behaving or being a lot more careful.

Imho, I would have left him. But that is a personal choice that is hard to make. 

Bren-2007

I understand G.  We tried it again for a week, I found him there again.  I made him go live in a 2-bed apt with her and her 3 kids in filth. He came back two months later and I just couldn't bear it ... constantly checking his cell phone, his briefcase.  I couldn't recover from the betrayal and the things he had said and done.  I called it quits about two weeks later, sold the house and left CA.

He married the "b---" with three kids and he's been miserable now for years.  (He hates kids ... and she constantly bitches about his drinking.)

Guess his karma got him in the end. 

I'm so glad he wasn't with me when I got cancer.  Tim has been the support of my life. The ex didn't care when the docs gave me a 50/50 chance to live when they found a 9 cm. tumor on my ovaries years ago.  He didn't care about my first biopsy six years ago. 

Tim wouldn't use the cancer card.  His mother died of lung cancer with mets to the brain.  He'd be afraid to tempt fate.

Even with all the hardships and ALL times I'd like to thump him on the head, I'm still really lucky to have found someone so good.

And to Whoops ... he's cleaned the toilet twice in three years.  He said it's the dog that gets it dirty!!!!  I said, "How the hell does the dog lift the seat up?"

nosurrender

Bren that is just terrible that you went through that. And I am glad you  have Mr. Tim in your life.

I just don't get some men. My friend's husband was not the first one to be a rat to his wife. And then look at that state senator we have here from NY who was caught drunk driving in VA and it turns out he had a complete other family in VA while his wife and three kids live in NY.

I know with my friend it was hard to make a move away from her husband because they had kids. That always makes it harder. But to me, why can't the husband think of his kids and what will happen if he is caught playing around?

Men need to zip it up and get their acts together.

I am glad you were able to trust again after what happened to you. I think I would have a hard time trusting a man again if that had happened to me.

You are a very courageous and strong person! 

Anonymous

Pia:  Goodness, for being new - I feel like I have known you along time.  The way you speak and write, rings a familiar tone to me.  

So much heartache out there.  I guess Im lucky to have a wonderful husband.  We will celebrate our 30th anniversary the August.  He has been wonderful to me during my treatment.  3 years now. Yes 3 years since I was first diagnosed.  3 years seems like such along time to be going through this journey.  I never thought I would make it through 3 years, but I did.

Sorry I got off the topic for a moment.  Men can make anyone crazy.  They are a breed of their own. 

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ip1zsUIosoA

Sierra

I was just reading this thread

and it is v. interesting



Presently, I am not married

and yes, my ex husband at times

drove me crazy, )
as did my last mate of several years

it had to be HIS way or the HIGHWAY type thing

which does not sit well with me



Further.. v. money conscious



I took part of GSG's post as it really

hits home. Thanks for posting that

in many areas of life.



"class isn't measured by the size of one's bank account but, rather, one's compassion & ability to make those around them feel comfortable, which is along the same lines"



One of my other siblings is divorced now, twice

Although being on your own can get lonely at

times, I enjoy the comany of TRUE FRIENDS. People

one can depend on, and sometimes the mates just

do not follow through. Peace of Mind is #1 with me
and being in a comfort zone, as we get older



Re: Men O/T I have a good friend and Mother's Day

yesterday, do not believe she even received a

Mom's Day card. I just can not understand this

She has been such a good MOM.



With regard to the passive/aggressive Treatment, someone here posted

that is immature behaviour, but I know some women who can

do this also. (I think men do it better though) LOL COMMUNICATION is so important in relationships.

LIARS.. no.. here is the door
not talking about small fibs
I believe all of us can tell
these at times in our lives but
LIES... DECEIT



Thanks for listening.



Very best to all of you here



Your men should treat you like

Queens. )

Anonymous

My parents had some friends, now divorced, and the man kept cheating on the wife and she would forgive and forgive.  One time, he went so far as to give the girlfriend his wife's "identity" ... way before identity theft was popular.  When the Mrs. got a call from the bank trying to verify some information on a car loan that she had, she found out the address of the gf. There was even a mortgage application in the works.

Well, Mrs K went to the apartment, stood on the hood of the car and hit it all over with a baseball bat.  The gf came running out, called the cops even!  The police told the gf that Mrs K could do whatever she wanted with the car:  it was HER CAR!  LOL!!!

In many situations, the gf's don't know the guy is married.  Some that do are told that they are in the middle of a divorce but there are always signs ....

• he never invites you to his house
• can't give you the house address or home phone
• doesn't want you to stop by his work
• can never spend a holiday with you
• his clothes match LOL
• he drives a mini-van  (dead give-away!)

badboob67

I thought of this thread when I read the following:

Danny the Hamster

The children begged for a hamster, and after the usual fervent vows that they alone would care for it, they got one. They named it Danny.
Two months later, when Mom found herself responsible for cleaning and feeding the creature, she located a prospective new home for it. The children took the news of Danny's imminent departure quite well, though one of them remarked, "He's been around here a long time--we'll miss him."
"Yes," Mom replied, "But he's too much work for one person, and since I'm that one person, I say he goes."
Another child offered, "Well, maybe if he wouldn't eat so much and wouldn't be so messy, we could keep him."
But Mom was firm. "It's time to take Danny to his new home now," she insisted. "Go and get his cage."
With one voice and in tearful outrage the children shouted, "Danny? We thought you said Daddy!" 

otter

I am so sorry, but I need to resurrect this thread. Ordinarily my gripes fit nicely into Traci's thread, but this one's different. Here's the background:

My dh does a little amateur carpentry around the house, and he's good at it.  He has made nice bookshelves, utility shelves, etc., and they look and work great. So, here's the play, in 1 act with 2 scenes.  The ending hasn't been written.

Scene 1:  Dining room table at dinner last night--

Jack:  "I was thinking of building some utility shelves in the basement, over by the outside door. I'd like to use them for garden supplies, the pressure washer, bug spray, stuff like that.  How would that be?"

Jill:  "Sure, that sounds great.  Remember, we have that metal cabinet I bought at the yard sale last year. If you have anything you want to keep enclosed, instead of on open shelves--like maybe the bug spray--you could use that cabinet."

Jack: "I don't think most of this stuff will fit in the cabinet--it's all too tall."

[Scene ends with Jack & Jill clearing the table, then heading to the living room to watch TV.]

Scene 2:  Dining room table at lunch today--Jack has purchased some lumber from the home supply store but hasn't unloaded it yet.  

Jack:  "Remember last night I was talking about building some shelves in the basement?  I just wanted to be sure I understood you correctly.  You DO NOT want me to build those shelves--is that correct?"

Jill [feeling confused]:  "No, that's not right.  I never said I didn't want you to build the shelves."

Jack:  "But that's what you implied.  It was pretty clear from what you said that you didn't want me to build those shelves.  That's what you meant, anyway.  You said you wanted me to use the metal cabinet instead."

Jill [still confused]:  "No, that's not what I meant at all.  I never ever intended to suggest that you shouldn't build the shelves.  All I wanted to do was offer that we do have that metal cabinet, which is sitting there empty; and if you have anything small that you would rather keep in that cabinet, the cabinet is available.  That was all I meant to say."

Jack:  "Well, nothing I wanted to put on the shelves would fit in the cabinet--it's all too tall.  But if you don't want me to build the shelves, then I just won't do it.  Forget it."

Jill:  "I don't understand what just happened.  Why are you being this way?"

Jack:  "Why am I being what way?  You're the one who said you didn't want me to build the shelves.  Why are you being that way?"

Jill:  "All I did was offer that you could use the cabinet I bought.  That was all.  I don't care if you don't use it."

Jack:  "Never mind.  I'm not going to build the damn shelves.  Forget it."

Jill [reaching a peak of frustration]:  "OK, how about this?  You cannot use the cabinet.  No way.  I do not want you using the metal cabinet for storage, so you are going to have to build some shelves.  There.  Is that better?"

[Jack gets up from the table and storms out of the room.]

So, what just happened here?  We've been married more than 20 years, and I learned a long time ago that our arguments are usually about something else unrelated to the subject of the argument.  I don't know if it's dh's frustration with my continued chemo SE's (like that doesn't frustrate me); or the fact that we haven't been able to do much traveling as he had hoped we would do this year; or the fact that I still had my sweat pants and T-shirt on when he got home from the store at lunchtime; or the fact that you guys are absolutely the only people I have to talk to and cry with sometimes, and he gets very jealous of that.

Diane, I think I need a hamster. 

otter       

BethNY

I don't mean to laugh- but I was picturing you saying No, I don't want you to use the metal cabinet... LOL

If it were me, the next time we sat down together to eat I would say-- Hey babe, Do you think you could build me some shelves to store all the garden supplies?  Of course, I'd have a shit eating grin on my face, and my hope would be that we'd laugh it off.

But you're totally right-- this can't be about the shelves.  There's definitely something else going on.

I work from home, and I know that sometimes M. gets a little jealous that I'm in sweats, or that I have more time for me--  He also catches feelings when I spend too many Friday nights in the bc.org chat room.

He'll say-- you were just in there last week.  You spend all night talking in there.

When really he means to say-- Please spend more time with me, b/c I'm sitting in the other room and feeling lonely.

Ah, the wonderful species known as men...

Harley44

Otter,

That sounds like some of our arguments!  I just really don't get it sometimes. 

When we first got married over 22 years ago, I told my dh that if I did anything that bothered him, he should tell me... 

Well, now fast forward to today, and anything that bugs him he STILL keeps it in, and eventually, it builds up, to the point where EVERYTHING I do bugs him! 

So I guess I kind of understand, otter.

MEN!  You can't live with em, you can't live without em...but sometimes maybe think I should try...

Harley

AnnNYC

Oh, Otter...  I'm sorry, I hope he gets over this soon .

What you wrote could be a great series of scenes in some comedy, but I know it's not a comedy yet...  hope the next scene involves some kissing and making up.

Anonymous

Oh Otter, I thought I was reading a storyline straight from my marriage! 

This thread makes me feel SOOO much better, because I really do appreciate knowing that my hubby isn't the only one who keeps crap inside until he is ready to spew venom all over me if I sneeze too loudly.  (Whew, that was a long sentence I just wrote). 

I do hope he has cooled off (my dh seems to REQUIRE time to cool off, then he comes to me willing to talk more logically). 

I'm glad the thread has been resurrected....I went nuts the other day when I put some laundry in the dryer, and it tripped the circuit breaker.  I'm going to borrow Otter's format for a moment....

Whoops-"Honey?  The dryer tripped the circuit breaker again?! When can you fix that?  The laundry keeps sitting in a big, wet pile." 

Hubby-"Oh, yeah." 

Whoops-(goes over to the box herself to flip the switch, which is, of course, not labeled).  "Honey?  Which switch is it?"  (flips a switch, walks back to check, sees that wasn't it, walks back to box to flip another, walks to dryer to check and sees that wasn't it, and goes back to the box to flip the final option....)

Hubby-(Comes to the basement.  Goes straight for the dryer and opens it.  Looks in it.  Looks at me accusingly).  "The light's on inside......"  

Whoops-(as he is doing all of this, I am saying, "I got it, I flipped the bottom 3, I know the last one I flipped is the right one.  Honey?  I got it!"

Hubby-(is in some sort of trance-like state.  Presses the start button.  Stares at me.)  "It's working." 

Whoops-(totally lost over what just took place?!?!?!  Stifles screams, and feels proud for doing so.  Did he not just HEAR her?!?!!?). 

Oh, hubbies can make ya nuts.  

Anonymous

I like what my sister does, and probably many of you already do this:  she tells her husband that the XYZ need fixing/to be built/painted, etc ... she tells him how much it is going to cost unless he has time in his "budget" to do it.  Usually, he agrees that he can fit it in and he wants to save the money.  She gives him a DUE DATE and asks if its agreeable.  So she marks the agreed completion date down and then waits.  No nagging.  Calendar is visible in the kitchen with the item on the date.

If hubby doesn't do it, and he many times hasn't, he comes home to a newly painted house, fixed electrical problem, dog shampooed, etc. He gets mad at the money spent because he said he would do it! And she points to the calendar.

He knows that if he doesn't budget his time to do the agreed chore, well then, it comes out of his wallet.

----

From that lesson, I learned to tell my dd the same thing:  clean your room today (or this weekend) (I don't say for her to do it now). I have told her that the next time she "forgets" to do it on deadline, I will hire the neighbor kid or myself to do it for her and since she has her own money, she can pay for it or the neighbor kid can choose a toy!  HORRORS!

Anonymous

Love it!  Great idea!  

swimangel72

Otter I really identified with your story! It could have been an act taken from the "play" of my own marriage! BC magnifies everything in my life - the highs, and the lows. My dh is my tree - deep roots, impossible to move (took me over 10 years to get him to REALLY move our family to a better home) and in so many ways we compliment each other. But I have found that he was extremely jealous of the time I spent with my friends online. Even though he'd be doing nothing more than watching the ball game, he'd see me on the computer and I'd be getting the cold shoulder.

Ultimately I think BC is causing underlying tension and frustration for my dh - perhaps even more for him than me. I've gotten to a point of acceptance - where I know I'm not going to heal any faster than my body wants to - but I think my dh is quite a bit put-out that I'm not his feisty sexual partner any more. Between menopause and now BC, my "feistiness" has totally gone. I keep hoping once I'm healed from all my incision problems, and my bloated stomach and foob, that I'll start to feel more in the mood - but before that happens, I absolutely MUST get back into a swimming pool - I absolutely MUST feel good about my own body again. So if my dh gets cranky with me - oh well, I guess he's allowed that much - ultimately, I know his heart still belongs to me and mine to him - and there WILL be a light at the end of this dark long tunnel.

rock

Oh dear, Otter. I fear that I am sooooo "Jack."

Might I venture a translation?  Which is likely to be way off base, but wth....

I stated I would build shelves because I wanted a project but I wasn't sure I needed to/really wanted to and now I have been reminded of a cabinet which I completely forgot was even there which is kind of embarrassing. So do I still need to build the shelves? Should I? But now that I think about it, I'm not sure I want to anymore because it's embarrassing that I never noticed the cabinet.  I know, I do need to build the shelves because the cabinets won't hold my stuff! Nope, too late. Now I'm feeling ambivalent. AND now it looks like I am not a person of my word, I am not the Person of Action that I pride myself on being...and my beloved has cancer which makes it worse! So I must deflect! Deflect! Deflect! Blame! Blame! Blame! Pout! Pout! Pout! Full-on petulance! Defensiveness!  Because I can't just say I overlooked something or misunderstood or wasn't really paying attention. I just can't. And I'm wondering how she's is doing since because, hey aren't those the same sweatpants she was wearing this morning and how long has she looked that tired and how can I say something without making it seem like I am taking a cheap shot? 

Hopefully (most likely) I have got it all wrong. Me saying I have Jack-like tendencies certainly doesn't mean that I know Jack.

(Thinking of you, Otter.  Thinking of all of us.)

Anonymous

Wow-Rockthebald.  That is identical to a translation of my hubby.  Well done, sister!  

otter

rockthebald, I'm sitting here chuckling at your translation.  Thanks for the insight!  I'm not sure how closely your scenario fits, but parts of it are probably underpinnings of the argument we had.  He really was interested in building the shelves.  Rather than being embarrassed he'd forgotten the cabinet, he's more likely annoyed that I reminded him of it.  I don't think he likes it--it's too small for his stuff, which makes it useless.  Mostly it just sits there taking up space in the basement.  (Why are basements "Guy Space"?)

I do have an update.  It didn't take another meal to smooth things over.  What it took was me, getting off my lazy (chemo-plagued) butt, and doing some things my dh has been wanting me to do around the house.  I collect clutter, so I attacked one of the bigger piles he'd been cursing for the past few months...and made it disappear.  (Yes, I know, that belongs on Patrice's thread.)  Then I went outside to where he was working, and "helped" him with some stuff.  Mostly I didn't/couldn't help--I just stood around with him, sort of keeping him company.

Then (taking a big risk), I asked if he would show me where he wanted to build those shelves.  At first he was kind of grumpy, gesturing to all the "stuff" that was sitting on the floor and getting in his way. (It's his "stuff", but it's the stuff he wanted to store on the shelves.  He just hates clutter, even when it's his.)  Then he pointed to the wall where the shelves would be.  He described them, and I asked some key questions.  And, now everything is fine and he's picking out the lumber for the shelves.

It's like two submarines sometimes.  You just have to "ping" each other once in awhile, to be sure the other one is still there.

otter 

Anonymous

Otter,

I adore you.  

Deb

rock

Yep, me too.

iodine

You are amazing!  Way to go.

Just WHY  is it that when they are doing something, esp. if it's something we want, we have to STAND there and watch/help?  Occasionally hand him something???

I have yet to figure that out.  He doesn't watch me cook, clean, take care of business, plant or work in the garden???  (but he does do the heavy digging for me)

badboob67

Just gotta share this DH story with y'all:

Dh got home a few minutes ago and was telling me about his visit to the doctor this morning for a physical. As dh waited, he noticed a sign on the wall about cancers and the recommended testing intervals (i.e. mammos every X years after age X). He was thinking, "Hmmm...I'm 40 now. I wonder what it says about my prostRate." (Ok..this is irrelevant, but dh and every member of his family says "prostRate" and it drives me batty). He looked at the sign and saw a phrase that made him curious...

The doctor/PA had finished the exam, complete with the requisite "Turn your head and cough" embarrassment and dh decided it was time to ask his question.

dh: "Are they running cameras up the a#* now to check for prostRate cancer?"

(female) medical professional: "No.....why do you ask?"

dh: "Well, your sign right there says I should have a DIGITAL prostRate exam. I figured with digital cameras getting so small these days...." 

I wonder how the doc/PA was able to hold in her laughter until she left the room... 

BWahahahhaha  He was dead serious. Poor DH.

badboob67

Just gotta share this DH story with y'all:

Dh got home a few minutes ago and was telling me about his visit to the doctor this morning for a physical. As dh waited, he noticed a sign on the wall about cancers and the recommended testing intervals (i.e. mammos every X years after age X). He was thinking, "Hmmm...I'm 40 now. I wonder what it says about my prostRate." (Ok..this is irrelevant, but dh and every member of his family says "prostRate" and it drives me batty). He looked at the sign and saw a phrase that made him curious...

The doctor/PA had finished the exam, complete with the requisite "Turn your head and cough" embarrassment and dh decided it was time to ask his question.

dh: "Are they running cameras up the a#* now to check for prostRate cancer?"

(female) medical professional: "No.....why do you ask?"

dh: "Well, your sign right there says I should have a DIGITAL prostRate exam. I figured with digital cameras getting so small these days...." 

I wonder how the doc/PA was able to hold in her laughter until she left the room... 

BWahahahhaha  He was dead serious. Poor DH.

badboob67

grrr---what's with the double posts?