A WOMAN'S WEEK AT THE GYM

evilelf

A WOMAN'S WEEK AT THE GYM

evilelf

A WOMAN'S WEEK AT THE GYM 
This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted
to get into a regular workout routine. 
            
Dear Diary,
            For my birthday this year, someone (the dear)
purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.
           
            Although I am still in great shape since being a
high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good
idea to go ahead and give it a  try.
           
            I called the club and made my reservations with a
personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old
aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.
           
            My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get
started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
           
            MONDAY:
            Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed,
but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find
Belinda waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess -- with blonde
hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Belinda gave me a
tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in
which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very
inspiring! Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was
already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is
going to be a FANTASTIC week!
           
            TUESDAY:
            I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it
out the door.
           
            Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron
bar into the air then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on
the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
all worthwhile. I feel GREAT! It's a whole new life for me.
           
            WEDNESDAY:
            The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the
toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I
believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I
didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking
lot.
           
            Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my
screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for
early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that
is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put
me on the stair monster. Why the Hell would anyone invent a machine to
simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it
would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other shit too.
           
            THURSDAY:
            Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like
teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I
couldn't help being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my
shoes.
           
            Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she
was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. She sent another skinny
bitch to find me
           
            Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing
machine -- which I sank.
           
            FRIDAY:
            I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being
has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid,
skinny, anemic, anorexic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body
I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.
           
            Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't
have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me
the damned barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The
treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher.
           
            Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the
drama coach or the choir director?
           
            SATURDAY:
            Belinda left a message on my answering machine in
her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just
hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I
lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven
straight hours of the Weather Channel.
           
            SUNDAY:
            I'm having the Church van pick me up for services
today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray
that next year my friend (the little shit) will choose a gift for me that
is fun -- like a root canal or a hysterectomy.
           
            I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he
would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!