A few funnies (if you can figure them out)

evilelf · January 2008

evilelf · January 2008

(1 ) King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Croesus the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan. Croesus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it." "But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested. "Don't you know who I am? I am the king!" Croesus replied, "....

When you wish to pawn a Star, it makes no difference who you are."

(2) Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid big league bowlers. However, all the Swiss league records were unfortunately destroyed in a fire,

and so we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

(3) A man rushed into a busy doctor's office and shouted

"Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!!" The doctor calmly responded,

"Now, now. Settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."

(4) A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day, his supply of the birds ran out so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with

transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.

(5) Back in the 1800s the Tates Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products and, since they already made the cases for watches, they used them to produce compasses.

The new compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California. This, of course,

is the origin of the expression, "He who has a Tates is lost!"

(6) A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the toilets and urinals, leaving no clues. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have absolutely nothing to go on."

(7) An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew, and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said,

"The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."

(8) A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."

(9) There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin,

one slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant, and the first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys.

This goes to prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus

is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.

(10) A skeptical anthropologist was cataloguing South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal brujo who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts,

the brujo looked him in the eye and said,

"Let me tell you, with fronds like these, who needs enemas?"

(11) By the way, the guy who wrote the 10 puns above entered them in a contest. He figured with 10 entries, he couldn't lose.

As they were reading the list of winners,

he was really hoping one of his puns would win,

but unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

(12) In my youth, I was told about a stadium full of Basques who were watching soccer, when someone shouted 'Fire!',

and a lot of people were killed stampeding out .....

which just goes to show how silly it is to put all your

Basques in one exit!

(13) Mon Dieu!! A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre. After careful planning, he got past security,

stole the paintings and made it safely to his van.

However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas. When asked how a great thief could mastermind such a crime and still make such an obvious error, he replied,

"Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings.

I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh." ....

And now you're wondering how I had De Gaulle to send this on to someone else.

Hey! I figure I had nothing Toulouse!