O/T: For Parents with Teens

winner

O/T: For Parents with Teens

winner

I have a 13 year old. She is 5'5" and weighs a little over 100 lbs. She has a really cute figure and (not because she is my daughter but) she is very, very pretty.

I have never let my kids, either her or her sister, roam the neighborhood (although I live in a very safe area and folks walk late at night). Since they were little they pretty much stayed in the back yard and played. I do not let them spend the night anywhere and never have. They can have as many friends as they would like over but I do not let them spend the night elsewhere. I do not let them go anywhere unsupervised, i.e. movies, mall etc.

My 13 year talks to a lot of friends and one particular (boy) often and I have gone out with her and him and his family bowling and to the movies and she has gone to dinner with his family on one occasion (his birthday). Otherwise, she is not allowed to hang out alone with this boy or any of her friends for that matter.

Yes, I know I am very protective. I make it a point to always talk to my girls about why I am protective and they seem to understand. I tell them that I love them and I want to keep them safe. I tell them I trust them but I also know that they are too young to make good decisions and choices right now and that some of these decisions and choices if made incorrectly now can have long-term unfortunate consequences. I tell them I am protective because I love them dearly not because I want to prevent them from having fun. Like I said they are really good and seem to get it.

My question is what do you allow your teens to do, socializing, dating etc.? Curious what type of guidelines other parents have. I know I will have to give my 13 year old some rope soon so I am asking around to see what has worked for other parents.

I should also add that my daughter attends a private school and her and her friends are really close. Her class has 23 students as does the other 8th grade class. So I am not dealing with the public school enviroment.

Thoughts appreciated.

LuAnnH

I was always very protective and still am.  My children were never allowed to leave the yard without permission and then I needed to know where they were.  I usually took them to where ever they needed to be, but it was usually just the neighbor.  When they were in high school I had to loosen up a bit.  I allowed them to attend school functions in the evenings, but I drove them and picked them up.  If it was a football game I would attend it also, just didn't make them sit with me.   There is alot of scarey stuff out there and I wanted to protect them from all the bad stuff.  We will never be able to protect them from everything but I want to give them the best start I could.  My oldest is 20 and an honor student in a private college, she will be graduating next year with honors.  My oldest son is 19 and serving in the US Army in Iraq.  I have to younger boys at home 17 & 13.  These two are pretty good and don't really go to many places.  Usually hang out with one or two friends and I know the families.  Sleepovers are no big deal since I know the families.  It is hard to not be too overprotective yet let them grow up safely in this crazy world.

Iza

I have three daughters (ages 17, 15, and 12). My parenting style is different in that I do give them a fair amount of freedom. I try to be a "backbone parent" -- the term comes from Barbara Coloroso, the author of an excellent book on parenting: "Kids Are Worth It!" She talks about three kinds of parents: jellyfish parents (no authority, no structure), brickwall parents (inflexible, lots of rules), and backbone parents (as few rules as possible, trying to give kids the gift of "inner discipline"). Following Coloroso's teachings, I try to say "no" only to things that are unhealthy, immoral, or life-or-death dangerous. But my kids know that when I say no, I really mean it...

mbordo

Iza-

I really like your approach!  I think I'm going to look for that book!  I was raised similarly - given a fair amount of freedom/responsibility, and stricter rules were invoked if we showed we couldn't handle it (didn't happen to me, but did to one of my brothers!) - I never knew there was a *name* for it!

My oldest is almost 12.  I know his friends and their parents.  He is allowed a fair amount of freedom (biking to convenience store w/friends, sleepovers, and he takes the public transit bus to middle school) - as long as he checks in with me when I ask (he has thus far) and lets me know if his plans/location change, I trust him.  Our values are taught @ home, and reinforced at our church.  Fortunately, he is not yet interested in co-ed social events (dances etc.).  When that happens, we plan to handle it similar to how we do w/current friends (a trusted adult must always be present).

IMO, kids need to be exposed to decision-making and responsibility incrimentally, and in an age-appropriate format so they have a chance to develop skills while the stakes are still fairly low.  I know people who always drive their children *everywhere*, and are *horrified* I let my son ride public transit!  What happens when these kids go off to college?  Do they suddenly acquire life skills?  I know my son can read a bus schedule and get himself home (from around town) if he needed to...

I think knowing the friends' parents is key, and finding out if they are on the same page as far as rules/supervision are concerned is essential...

M.

LuAnnH

This is turning out to quite an interesting thread.  It is amazing how people have so many different styles and yet most of the young people grow up into healthy productive adult citizens.  I really only had trouble from my 19 year old, he would make me crazy and break every rule that was set out for him.  His strong desire to join the military just blew my mind.  In fact, that is the one place he excels beyond belief.  Funny how he hated discipline at home yet craved going to into an environment where that is the way of life.

Jaybird627

All parenting 'tips' are appreciated by me even though Avery is only 16 months old! 

I'm already giving her the occasional choice between 'this ' or 'that' food/video/whatever and she really hates the word "no" and usually cries when I say it. :-/

Jaybird, having a lot of fun being an 'older' mom.....

shokk

Winner I have two daughters, a 20 yr old that is a soph in college and a 14 yr old that is a freshman in hs..........here is my take and I am making all of my opinions concerning girls (daughters).....first of all let me say this if you think for one moment that your daughter is safe in a private school then think again.........one thing you do have going for you is the school is probably smaller then a public school and you probably do know most of your daughter's classmates and their parents...........still there is no guarantees that your daughter will less be likely to get into trouble.........first of all I have raised both of my daughters to know that I am NOT their friend but their mom...........huge difference in the whole scheme of life........Winner you need to be able to talk frankly with your daughter about sex and relationships............I have let both of my daughters know that boys and girls think completely different about sex............first of all girls think sex is love and love is sex.........boys think sex is sex and sex is sex........boys have a biological urge to have sex.............if girls think that they can make a boy love them by having sex with them then they are completely off track........nobody can make anyone love them by manipulation........wether it is by having sex with them or by any other means..............even as women we think we can change someones behavior by loving them............we often learn in the long run we have no more control over someone then someone has over us.......we usually are who we are.................I have told my daughters that if someone really cares about them they will not try and force them into something they don't want to do or not ready to do.................one thing my oldest told me is once a child reaches the age of about 16 or 17 they pretty well are done........their attitude about life is set for awhile at least through their 20's.........if they are slutting around in hs they probably will until they reach 30 and then may even continue that behavior................there comes a point in which you will have to let your 13 yr old go...........at least in Texas by the age of 17 and no later then 18............I have told my 14 yr old I will respect her privacy unless I get any vibes that sex, drugs, or illegal behavior is going on and then I will come down on her like white on rice..........will make her life miserable until she leaves home..........no SECOND changes.................I told my 20 yr old the same thing and she is 11 months away from turning 21.......does very well in college will probably spend next year in Japan study.......................sorry this has taken so long.............Just MO.........Shokk

Anonymous

This is really fascinating! I especially appreciate Iza's distinction between "brickwall" and "backbone" parenting. My parents were the former- very, very restrictive and overprotective. I rebelled secretly until I got to college and then totally let loose, drinking, drugging and slutting my way through my late teens/early 20s. With my daughter, I vowed that I would treat her respectfully and provide guidelines that were gentle but firm and always listen to her opinions and desires. I think that worked very well and I never had a moment of difficulty in raising her. Of course, that may have been because of any number of factors, but she has just always behaved sensibly and maturely. As for the private school issue, both my daughter and I each attended Catholic, private schools throughout our lives, but we really did behave very differently nevertheless. To this day, I ocassionally struggle with authority and bristle when I feel that I'm being told what to do. Sigh....55 years old and still not grown up. My daughter?.....24 and mature as hell. Was it the disciplining style or just our individual personalities?

~Marin

Jaybird627

Marin, I think certain 'traits' skip generations - beware your grandchildren as they may be hooligans! 

Me, I was a 'slut' all through my late teens & 20's, then again after my divorce and now, well, I'm trying to be one again but my grown-up sensabilites prevent me from being too sluttish!

As for Avery, I'm doing my best but only time will tell if I did the 'right' thing. I'm thinking she'll be okay though. I'm equally logical and emotional so who knows what I will or won't let her do! I just hope she learns from my 'mistakes'.

  

Jaybird