First year anniversary date...

TerryNY

First year anniversary date...

TerryNY

The date of my dx is rapidly approaching.  I can't believe how fast this year has gone by..ha, funny I say that *now.  

A situation has come up though that I'm not sure about and am just going to post and see if I'm being overly selfish or maybe get input as to how you all recognized that day and subsequent milestones. 

My husband attends a yearly fraternity weekend at his alma mater.  The weekend this year (well, actually 2/08) coincidentally falls on the day that I was positively certain I had bc - US, mammo and biopsy was done that day.   They rushed me through because of the indications.

Anyway, I don't know what I expected from him but he hasn't mentioned the timeframe involved at all.  I'm not exactly sure what or how we would've recognized this but I envisioned him just holding me all weekend.  :-)  

I don't dare say anything as he's been with me all through treatment and I think he needs to just get away for awhile, relax and get caught up with his buddies from college.   If I say anything, he'll cancel his plans for sure, that's just the way he is. 

I guess my ideal scenario would play out like this:   Him - I realize the timing on this isn't perfect so if you'd rather I stay home and we do something to acknowledge this year anniversary, then I will.

Me - Oh, no, by all means go and have a great time! 

I'd feel so much better if the date just hit him, that's all I want. 

Gee, is this warped or what? 

petelzmom

Hey Terry don't beat yourself up for wanting things your way. It's been a very tough year for both of you. I would suggest that you don't focus on the exact day but rather pick a date/time to just be together and give thanks. If your hubby is anything like mine he wants no reminders, my hubby even had to leave our dinner table at xmas when i toasted my family for all their help!

Your feelings aren't warped, but while we have our dates embedded - they are doing everything they can to be "normal" again. Good Luck and congratulations on your anniversary! Carolyn

Bren-2007

Hi Terry,

Most men don't seem to remember the date, just the words that you have cancer.  What's so important is that he was with you every step of the way through this past year.

I count my survival date as the day of my lumpectomy when the cancer was removed from my body.  Some acknowledge their survival date as the day tx ended or the day they were diagnosed.

Congrats on your upcoming one year!!!

Bren

Anonymous

It's not at all weird or warped or selfish, Terry, not even an iota! BUT they just don't get it. No one gets it except those of us who have been and are there, but it seems that husbands/SOs, in particular, don't get it. They just want to forget about it and resume normal life, not realizing that nothing will ever again be normal like it was before. So I guess we should not expect full understanding in that regard. Having said that though, I do think that it might be a wise and healthy thing for you to either express your feelings on te issue and play out that scenario or flat out ask him to postpone his plan for another time (!). By doing so, you'd be honoring your own feelings  and, IMO, your feelings are completely legitimate and worthy. For me, I'd really have to say something because keeping silent about such athing would make me feel like a martyr and I just know that I'd develop a repressed resentment about it. But that's just me and maybe you're easier-going about such things.

Maybe if he does go on his trip, you can do something with a close friend or family member to recognize the day properly?

And CONGRATULATIONS on your one-year!

~Marin

TerryNY

Thanks, ladies, for reassuring me that I'm not some selfish ogre. :-)  He is going, bought his plane tickets and will have a great time.

I have decided not to say anything and won't hold a grudge...that isn't me.  

I've recently reconnected with a friend from my son's old Boy Scout troop who has been dealing with cancer for over 5 years (not breast)...anyway, her husband works nights so I mentioned about my dh going out of town and we should do a girls night out sometime.   She was very agreeable! 

She knows what I've been through and we've been supporting each other this past year (she thought she had a recurrence but it came out favorably).  

So, it all worked out! 

Thanks again for your input.

TerryNY

Oops, forgot to mention the anniversary parts.  I've yet to decide when to 'celebrate' or recognize my milestones.

My twin had bc when we were 33, 14 years ago, and she recognizes the last treatment date as her anniversary.  

My last treatment date was 9/26 so a long way before I meet that milestone.   But, I think for the first year every date will hit me like a ton of bricks!

Anonymous

Terry,

I'm glad things worked out for you anyway!  Even though your DH may not realize the date, as the other ladies said you are completely justified in your feelings about it.  My SO will always remember my dx date because it is the exact same date I told him I was pregnant with his daughter 2 years prior.  He's the one who told me that!  He always remembers the dates!  I'm also a twin and my dx date also happens to be my twin's wedding anniversary.  So it's a weird mixture of anniversaries on one day.  I'm within my first year also and agree with you.  My dx anniversary is 3/14 and I expect each date will be hard.  But it's really a personal decision on when you want to recognize or celebrate your milestones.  Best of luck to you and congratulations on your upcoming anniversary!

Hugs,

Charlene