"Survivor"

MtnMama

A few weeks ago I wrote a journal entry on my thoughts about the term "survivor".  I'd like to hear from you what "survivor" means to you, positive or negative.  How does it make you feel and do you know why?  Does it matter who is using the term, or who it is in reference to?

I'd also like to brainstorm what might be a suitable replacement descriptor for the group of us that doesn't have the baggage that I perceive it has.  All ideas welcome!

So here are my thoughts ...

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"Survivor"

That's not me.

I have struggled with this label since my diagnosis.  I cringe when the term is associated with me.  The word seems harmless enough, like it should be hopeful even.  And I certainly don't  begrudge the comfort that many who have been diagnosed with cancer find in it.  I just don't want it applied to me. 

It was dh who uncovered our best technical reference book on breast cancer, because I had tossed it aside after it was given to me by the NCI volunteer at the hospital.  The reason?  The title was "Be a Survivor".  <bleh>

Why is it that it urks me so?  Because what I associate with being labeled a "cancer survivor" is arrogance and delusion.

Arrogance because the celebratory label of survivor distinguishes me from those who didn't survive cancer, even though the distinction between us has nothing to do with anything I did or didn't intentionally do.  It has been just pure dumb luck that separates us.  Just as it is not our fault that we have cancer, it is not our virtue that keeps it at bay.

I have more in common with my departed comrades in cancer than with the non-cancer populace.  We suffered the same fears during diagnosis, the same life upheaval due to demanding protocols and stress of uncertainty, and the same disabling side-effects of treatment.   Our paths only diverged when their prognosis faltered, leaving us with different roads to travel.

Does the person who walks away from a fatal car crash revel in calling himself a survivor?  No, in fact survivor guilt is often felt, bringing forth a mourning of both the life lost and the life saved.  "Lucky duck" is more fitting, and even that label is associated with an event, not an on-going state of being.

Which leads me to the delusional part.  It falls in line with how I started this journal:  all of us alive are survivors, and it is a state of being applicable only to this very moment.  To claim the title as an attribute of my life implies that I have better odds of survival than the next guy, which in fact is the opposite if the next guy is otherwise like me but without cancer.

Yet our lives are distinctly different once diagnosed with cancer.  Each ache and pain I ponder ... each time I see an elderly person in the grocery store I am wistful that I may never get there ... each time I look at a long range financial plan I am stymied with uncertainty.  To call myself a survivor belies the fact that my life expectancy has shortened since my diagnosis.

But what label do I use?  There is no "etic" for cancer, no way to identify myself as someone who is being monitored and treated for an on-going disease.  It very well could be gone from my body, but there's just no way to be certain.  So the medical approach is based on the assumption that it is still there.   And there was certainly something about my body, and my environment, that allowed this to happen in the first place.  So there is an effect on how I live my life, without an easy way to define it.

If I say I have cancer it has the implication that it is going unchecked, or that my prognosis is poor.  I have also associated "remission" with a managed cancer that does not leave open the possibility that it has been obliterated.  So I have not taken ownership of having "breast cancer in remission" either.

I suppose there's no need to have a label at all.  Everyone has his or her own struggles that make life challenging, and very few have succinct labels.  Considering I would only bring it up if in a conversation that was relevant, I likely wouldn't have to distill it down to a soundbite.  It's not hard to say "I was diagnosed with breast cancer and have no signs of recurrence thus far."  It's a mouthful, but I think I'm up to the challenge.  After all, I am a survivor.

Bugs

You have put into words what goes through my head daily. 

Take care,

Bugs

MtnMama

Thanks, Bugs

I'd love to learn from any who do feel good about the word.   Thoughts?

Mary-Lou

Well when I think of the alternative, it's not such a bad thing at all.  I think "DEAD" would be so much worse.

I'm very lucky to be a survivor....... 

Like a plane that went down, and there were no "Survivors" kinda makes your stomach feel sick. And very sad for some family. Could be your own...

A horrific car accident, no sign of life.... In both cases there would be such joy if there was a survivor.....or many to be able to speak about what had just happened.

I feel as a "Survivor of Breast Cancer" I have a voice. I hold wisdom for the sisters that follow. I give hope....I am proof that there is life after Breast cancer.

I've had to survive many things in my life, but this is the one I'm most grateful for.

MtnMama

"...or many to be able to speak about what had just happened."

There is a key there.  Maybe an expression of hope for others moreso than ourselves.  I'll ponder that some more ..

Mary-Lou

Yes, that is the way I like to look at it.....I want to give back to the next sister as the sisters before me have done. If they were not survivors, I would have had no hope myself...Great point!

Anonymous

I am a Survivor.  Capital S.

Not only from breast cancer, but childhood sexual abuse, rape, abusive husband and host other things throughout my life.  Don't feel sorry for me.  If you do, then I will feel weak.  It's just the way things are.  And it's the thing that has made me who I am today.

I don't feel the need to have a "label" but I feel like "Survivor" is "who" I am not "what" I am.

Good topic though...made me think!

Hugs

Peggy

Mary-Lou

Bless you Peggy, I also was abused by an EX...

NoH8

To me survivor also means thriver. It's about how we live with cancer, whether NED or still fighting the disease.  Survivorship doesn't end in death to me. One of my dearest friends died of breast cancer and she fought up until her last breath. She will always be a survivor to me.

Mary-Lou

Such sweet words Amy