jokes that make you laugh out loud

Jen44

I thought it might be fun to share jokes that made us laugh out loud.  I know there are days I can sure use a good joke.  Anyway here is mine:

A preacher was hunting deer in the forest when he tripped over a rock. He fell to the ground and dropped his rifle. When he looked up, he stared into the face of a grizzly bear. Panic stricken, the preacher turned and ran off leaving his rifle behind. He ran as fast as he could and then climbed up into a tree to escape the bear. In the tree he prayed, "Dear Lord, please let this be a Christian bear." Then he looked down at the bear and sure enough, the bear was praying, "Dear Lord, please bless this food I am about to eat to the nourisment of my body."

Be careful what you wish for

gsg

LOL!  I like that!

 I only know dirty jokes and i can never remember the punchlines.

Jen44

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was, which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub "

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

Jen44

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Jen44

Dx 9/5/2007, IDC, 2cm, Stage IIIa, Grade 3, 8/29 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2-

Jen44

I give up

jay66

David received a parrot for his birthday.This bird was fully grown with a bad attitude and a worse vocublary.Every other word was explicit.Those that weren't explicit were to say at least, rude.

David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything that comes to mind. Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird the bird got worse, he shook the bird the bird got madder and ruder.

Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawking, kicking and screaming and then, suddenly, all was quiet.

David was frightened that he might actually hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmy stepped out onto David's extended arm and said "I'm sorry if I offended you with my language and actions. I ask for your forgiveness. I'll try to check my behavior".....

David was astounded at the birds change in attitude and was about to ask what changed him when the parrot continued," May I ask what the chicken did ? ".

Jen44

Sometimes the best lesson in life, as well as the best laugh, comes from the innocent minds of children yet unaltered by today's society.

A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar.  During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year old daughter to answer the phone. The daughter did saying, 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. 'She's hitting the bottle.'

I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year old shout from the back seat, 'Mom! that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'

On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'

Keep laughing,

Jenny

jay66

So true jen children are amazing.

jah4377

Grandma and Grandpa were driving from the state of Washington to Florida to

attend their granddaughter's graduation from medical school. Halfway

through their trip, they stopped to visit one of their sons In Kansas for a

night.

Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in the Medicine cabinet. He asked his son

about using one of the pills.

The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad, they're very strong

and very expensive."

"How much?" asked Grandpa. "Around $10.00 a pill," answered the son.

"I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, we'll be leaving

early in the morning, so I'll put the money under the pillow."

Later the next morning, the son found $110.00 under the pillow. He

immediately called Grandpa on his cell phone and said, "I told you each

pill was $10.00, not $110.00."

"I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma."

jah4377

 The Wal-Mart Cat

A blonde was weed-whacking her yard and accidentally cut off the tail of her cat
which was hiding in the grass. She rushed her cat, along with the tail over to WALMART!

She had heard that WALMART is the largest retailer in the world!!!

jah4377

Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said:

"Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of their patients, and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go, Dave."

But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering:

"Dave... Dave... Dave, you sick bastard. You're a vet."

Jaybird627

OMG!!! I really needed a good laugh today (retail hell, the day before Thanksgiving) and I got more than one. Thanks!

Alexa1951

hahaha oh man. that was hillarious. Thank you for that!