Best friend (31) has breast CA

bestfriendwithbreastCA

Just wanted to say Hi and introduce myself- and I'm sorry for everyone that happens to have to be on here....though I know also that I found this place.   I had melanoma diagnosed 10 yrs ago, and have been cancer free for 4 yrs.

Anyway- my bff, 31, was diagnosed in February with stage 3, grade 3A IDC- 4 lymph nodes positive for breast cancer.   What makes her situation even more terrible is that I had my first child 2 weeks before her diagnosis (my dau was born Jan. 24; Alison diagonosed Feb. 8, at 18 weeks pregnant).   She had been trying to conceive for 3 yrs, and had to terminate her pregnancy.   She went through ACT (is that what they call it....adreomycin; cytoxan/tamoxifen) and radiation, and is considered NED for now until she is able to have PET scans and such post-radiation.

My concern- I've seen her twice since her diagnosis (she lives in Denver, I"m in Chicago), and we're doing a "girls" weekend without our dh's and my daughter (whom she hasn't met) next weekend.   All over the news, obviously, have been breast CA survival stories, one of which is a woman who was in a similar situation to my friend, but sought a 2nd opinion @ Mayo and was able to get to week 30 before delivering her baby and then aggressively starting chemo.   I think everything unraveled with her so quickly that she did not get a 2nd opinion at a leading cancer center; both docs in Denver said to end the pregnancy.   She is great in that she'll tell me she's envious that I was able to get pg so easily....but all these stories now, I'm dreading a conversation about how she's been hearing stories of waiting it out to deliver before having the baby.    What can I say- nothing, really- there isn't anything TO say, it's so horrible. 

Compounding this fact- I'm an onc nurse- work with "liquid" cancers, though (leukemias, etc) and have had pregnant women find out they have leukemia, and have worked with the oncs and OB's to try adn get the mom through the pg before starting chemo.   Of course, some of these stories are sooo incredibly sad.....one or both of the moms/babies have died.   She knew and had heard a lot of these stories throughout the years when she was diagnosed.  

I guess I'm just worried, with all the breast CA hype bc of awareness mo, that she's going to be in a spiral of shame and guilt for not trying to ride out the pregnancy, or getting a 2nd opinion elsewhere.    

It sucks for me, too, bc I have big time connections in the cancer world across the country, and was able to get her a 2nd opinion, @ Sloan Kettering, as to whether she should go through chemo post-radiation.  (2 docs in denver disagreed.)  

I don't even know what my question is.   I just home I dont' say the wrong thing next week post- all this hype and these survivor stories similar to hears.....

Thanks for letting me vent away....I appreciate it....and hope everyone's loved one's are doing well.  

Erin 

Shirlann

Hi Erin, what a sad, sorrowful story.  You know, if it was me, now that I am old, I have taken a little different approach to things like this.  Just grab her in your arms, cry and tell her that you can have no idea what grief she is going through, but you love her and would do anything in the world to make things better.  Don't worry about upsetting her, she is upset.  Don't worry about making her feel worse, impossible to do.

So I would be honest, no Pollyanna pronouncements, like, "Oh you can get pregnant again!"  She has heard this a 1000 times.  She is grieving for the baby she lost, not the others she will no doubt have. 

Then, after an honest face to face telling of your sorrow for her, let her talk.  Just let her talk.  You will know what to say when she opens up to you.

That's my advice, Shirlann  

Sandra1957

Oh, that is such a sad story with so many ironies.  Not that my story is anywhere near your friends, but I do remember cringing each time someone would come up to me and tell me that they were "sorry".  I didn't want anybody feeling sorry for me.  I actually told one that she had nothing to be sorry for.  It wasn't her fault, it wasn't anyone's fault.   Later that week I received a card from a friend with the perfect words "If I could take it all away, I would".   I think now that's what most mean when they say "sorry", not pity, but this just "sucks".  Goes to show you that when you are in a bad place, sometimes it's hard to hear what other's are trying to say.  I think Shirley's advice is right on the money.  Tell her you love her, tell this all sucks, then listen.

Best to you,

lini

iodine

I can only ditto everything above.  Just love her, and listen. 

Hugs to you and your little one.  Hugs to your friend and the decision she had to make to save her life. 

Our hearts are with you all.

bestfriendwithbreastCA

Thanks gals- fortunately (or unfortunately, depending on how you look at it), I won't sugarcoat a lot of things with my friends.   We've had the pregnancy talk numerous times- but all the hype about how oncologists managed to get their patients through chemo while pregnant I KNOW had to have made her question her decision.   I've had the conversations with patients, too- but your dearest friend of a dozen yrs is a different monster. 

Appreciate it....

Erin