Coping with a suspicious area after breast ca x2

Brendatrue

As I was considering this post, I thought, "What do I hope to receive from all these caring women?" And it hit me: words of whatever--comfort, encouragement, hope, empathy--from WOMEN WHO GET IT! I have had breast cancer twice, and now I have a new suspicious area in my remaining breast. I will have a diagnostic mammo on Friday, and, of course, an ultrasound and breast MRI if needed.

I have alternately consoled myself with the thought that it is likely nothing serious and tried to prepare myself for another breast ca diagnosis. I find myself at times spaced out, at times irritable, & at times frustrated because I have no one in my immediate world who has had breast cancer and can hear my words and empathize. I have told myself that all I am experiencing is normal and understandable. But what I am missing is for someone to tell me, "I get it! I know what you mean! I went through something similar/the same thing and I felt ----------- and thought----------- and did-----------."

I don't exactly feel alienated from others because I know many women coping with breast ca/treatment/aftercancerlife are out there, but I do feel somewhat isolated right now. I truly will appreciate any heartfelt, thoughtful messages.

Brenda

TenderIsOurMight

Brenda,



Well, we DO get it!



Every day, in every way I "get it" when I see a fellow cancer patient, but particularly breast cancer survivor or patient. The chronic fear, my own fury with it at times, the incredible physical and mental change which accompanies this mainly women's disease causes us all to "get it" and "get it"well.



I'm so sorry you're going through a work up yet again. I don't believe for one moment though, that three strikes links to "your out", and neither should you! That's just a play on numbers.



So come often and post, and we'll hold your hand and hold you in our hearts, for right now, you need, imho, a little holding.



Tender

Anonymous

Yeah, I get it too. Unfortunately, once we hear those words and they sink in, every hint at hearing them again sends that same hot/cold, paralyzing terror through us all over again. And you had the misfortune of already hearing them a second time, so you expect it yet again....of course you do. And I think that our basic sense of existential justice feels so very violated with each recurrence....What? Again? How freakin' fair is that??! Why me, again? Why not somebody else? Leave me the hell alone! And we just want to totally bury ourselves under the covers until it all goes away. Yeah, I get it.....

I'm so sorry you're having to go through the worry yet again. We're here for you. Know that we care....and are sending positive energy your way.

~Marin

Calico

Brenda,

I just recently went through a biopsy and I swear it was worse than with my first dx.

Nobody that has been in those shoes can walk the same mile.

Tender,

you name it right on the spot...."chronic fear" and I am mad at myself too.

Here is to good results Brenda, sending good vibes for Friday.

God Bless

Indigoblue

Calico, Brenda, Fitchick, Tender, and all those who are having "suspicious" worried minds.

Me too.  Don't know what to do, whom to call, of what is happening to my body.  New pain, waist to head, hips, and incredible fatigue.

Where do we go from here?  What is the next step when you don't know what to do, and know, there is zero help. 

Pain, for me, is worse than it has ever been.  The docs don'f dare.  Any ideas?

((hugs))

Indi

Brendatrue

Tender, Marin, Calico & Indi--Thanks for your responses. I can honestly say that I don't presume that a third cancer would mean the end for me. I say that now, and who knows what I would think later. Although I do tend to think about mortality when I consider cancer, my primary reaction at this time is more along the lines of grief, as in, how many more times do I anticipate loss(es)? and how many more losses do I have to experience? This dance I do now, with pain & the challenges of hormonal therapy, mammograms, scans, MD appts, you-know-the-drill, it just doesn't feel "natural"--like the dance of life. I know it is the dance of my life--and certainly I have learned to embrace life in ways I had not already experienced; however, I feel as if somehow my inner spark has been reshaped without my permission and it still just doesn't fit right. Make sense?

Please recognize that I am tired as I write this and trying not to overcensor my thoughts in an effort to be real, so the outcome may be a little confusing. Thanks for the holding. That's really a huge aspect of being a part of this group: creating a holding environment for all that we experience and share as a result of this very difficult disease. I will remember that tomorrow as I have one more mammogram. And perhaps, at the end of the day, I can relax and be hopeful about remaining a 2 time breast cancer survivor for a long, long time.

Indi--I am wondering who you rely upon as you grapple with these questions? What do you mean about zero help and the docs don't dare? Have you already had a thorough assessment? Do you trust any of your MDs? Do you have a counselor or social worker who can work intensively with you to develop a plan for coping and receiving care? Have you tried complementary care approaches if the more traditional methods have been unhelpful? You sound overwhelmed; is it possible to figure out the one next step and then try to take it one step at a time?

Hoping for healthy adventures AND peace for all of us--Brenda

Indigoblue

Brenda,

Two remarkable sites have held my heart, head, soul, and courage; Breastcancer.org and Nosurrender's site.

I had been going to councelors, cancer nurses, doctors, doctors, and more doctors...only my family doctor helps, and even she is so busy with patients, it's wearing on her.  She is wonderful, however, and has pulled me through most of the confusion and pain.  I have never found a psych person who knows their ding from their dong, and view them as expensive earplugs.  They listen, you leave, and if necessary refer you to someone who gives you psychotic drugs which turn you into a zombie.  It would be great to find someone who truly listens, suggests possible ways to cope, and treat you as a fellow human being.

The women and men I've met on this discussion board have saved my life and sanity, as well as giving heartfelt guidance and information which I shall forever treasure.

I keep hoping the side effects will subside, and that my former self, happy go lucky and creatively as well as spiritually content, will return.  I am sorry to be sad and blue as  I purge these emotions to others who are likely feeling the same and/or worse with worry and pain.  I love all who post here, as I know how difficult it is to let these feelings go...

Forgive me if I upset anyone, you, or those who are seeking positive reinforcement.  It's so important to give and take, all the while, I am learning this miraculous gift most of the members have to begin with; are you born with this ability to love, be loved, and give even more love in return? 

Thank you for your support and advice, it's a treasurebox filled with generosity, kindness and golden lights of life.

Indi

Brendatrue

Indi, I read a great essay by Barbara Ehrenreich regarding (to paraphrase and note some of what I gleaned from the piece) her exasperation with women who tend to focus on cancer as a growth experience to the extent that they find it difficult to tolerate other women who are open about a range of cancer experiences, including anger, depression, despair, amongst other more "positive feelings." I respect women who find this focus on personal growth to be helpful to them, but I am sorely challenged by those who are unmoved by or "upset" with those of us who are coping in ways that don't exactly fit that model. Thus, I find it comforting when others are open about their range of experiences, AND I appreciate their positive suggestions and heartfelt support very much. I have changed in some remarkable ways in response to my cancer experience, but I also have changed in ways that are discouraging at times. Like you, I remain hopeful, and I expect that access to the support at this site will contribute to my ability to remain hopeful over time.

By the way, my mammogram was considered inconclusive and an "incomplete work-up,' so now I will be scheduling an ultrasound. I remain hopeful about that outcome as well.

Brenda