Need Friend Advice

brenoby

Hi All,

  My name is Brenda and I am happy to find this sight.  I am on my second go-around with breast cancer.  My issue is that a good friend of mine who has been a major supporter has recently found out I am gay and has dumped me line a hot potato.  While she is straight she said all along she knew I was gay and is angry I did not trust her enough to tell her and now no longer wants to assist me with doctor appt, etc.  I am really hurting over this, any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Have a good evening,

Brenda 

Anonymous

Hi Brenda....I'm so sorry that you're having a second go-around with this monster and, then, to have the anxiety of losing a friendship on top of it! It sounds to me like your friend has more issues than just your not trusting her enough to tell her you're gay, especially if she 'knew all along.' She's guilting you and taking no responsibility for her end of the relationship. We have no obligation to bare everything to our friends and have every right to reveal ourselves incrementally, as we feel comfortable. That's how friendships work. So if she knew you were gay and it was so important to her to have that acknowledged between the two of you, then she should have either asked or provided an opening for you to choose to discuss it. Anyway, that's how I see it. I'm not gay, but my daughter is. It took her awhile before coming out to me, but I wasn't hurt or insulted and certainly didn't feel that she didn't trust me. I gave her an opening (after the wonderful ladies here offered their support) and she took it, but that was because she was ready.

So it seems to me that you can let your friend know that you'd like her to continue to be your friend (if you would, that is) and then you can focus on your own recovery. When the Serenity Prayer advises us to 'accept the things we cannot change,' it often means other people.

~Marin

brenoby

Hi Marin...Thank you so much for your kinds words and encouragement.  You really put into words what I needed to hear.  I had one other person tell me almost the same thing, however I was beginning to think I was the one in the wrong.  Yes, had she asked at any time I would of told her that I was gay.  I am not sure if I want to continue the friendship or not.  I do not want to make such an important decision while I am hurting.  I think if it was just her I could accept her decision, but I am also very close to members of her immediate family, especially her two young boys that know me as Aunt Brenda.  Taking the boys into account really hurts.  I appreciate you taking the time to send me your response.  I love your closing comments and will keep that in mind.

Thanks again,

Brenda

NoH8

With friends like that.....
I have been where you are, and with breast cancer survivors no less who are homophobic. There's no denying that it hurts like hell. I totally understand the "gun shy" response. Although I haven't had a recurrence (knock on wood), it's been important for me to surround myself with the people who are supportive and a positive  presence in my life.

In your situation I wouldn't contact this "friend", because I wouldn't want to use the cancer to have her support and wouldn't trust that if I did, she would be there for me for the right reasons, if she would be there at all. When I was first dx a good friend told a mutual "friend" about my diagnosis and the "friend" started coming around more, then disappeared again (she had issues) midway through. That hurt a lot more than if she had never come back into my life.

Surround yourself by those who love, support and accept you for who you are. You don't need any trauma/drama right now.

meridian

My question would be , is their reaction

1) shock

2) feeling stupid because they didnt guess

3) Homophobia

4) disappointment that friendship wasnt on a level that this was revealed



I suspect your friend may not be able to explain their reaction, it is probably multi faceted. However the facts remain that you were friends and that neither of you has in fact changed. it may take a lot of energy and courage to reach out to this person, energy and courage you may not feel you have right now which would be fine however I would hope that your friendship could rise above these things, be a chance for your friend to discover things about herself and grow and be a source of support and comfort to you in the future.



Wishing you strength

tawyna1

hi brenda,

sorry you have this crap again.

i noticed you said your friend said she knew all along you were gay.

something is weird that when you tell her she is not supportive.

i have a cousin i knew for years was gay so when he came out with it nothing changed for me.  i care for him so i hope him the best in everything.

i think you done right by telling her. if she is a true friend she will come around.