am freaking out... and may be in the wrong place...

ponderingreality

i don't know how to do this. i am scared. this runs in my family, my aunt has just finished up her treatment, and seems like she will be right as rain.

i found a spot in June, had a mamo, they found a couple of spots... told me to come back in 6 months! but my dr. said, no.. just wait 3 and we'll send you back.

i can't do this.

yes, i can. its been 3 months, i have an appt. tomorrow to get an appt. to have the other mamo done. this is the thing, the one that i knew about already is much bigger.

please forgive me, if this is not the place i should be.

in the shower, its not as easy to find as when i lean over a little. and rub upward, the i can almost hold up my breast by it. it seems about an inch long, or more. 

my mom almost lost it when my aunt was dx-ed. i am the only 'kid' in our family and she is so scared for me. i haven't said anything about it getting bigger. she keeps saying, things like 'if anything happened to you...' or 'you better make sure you do your exams..' things like that, are just breaking my heart. and i am sooo scared. look at me, i am bawling like a baby... silly me. you women are the most courageous strongest women on this world, and i am whining because i have a maybe...

i can't go to my mom! we are and always have been sooo close, i don't want to worry her.

i am just a scardy cat thats all. i shouldn't even bother you all with this.

again, i am sorry if this is not where i am supose to be.

karen 

emmakeating55

Karen,

You HAVE come to the right place. 

They've just changed the format here just recently.  Before that there was a topic called "just diagnose or just worried" , that's where I started a year ago.

There is no way to tell you not to be worried, but you need to breathe and try to stay calm. (Ah, if there were just a button to push for that!).  I too tried to imagine what I would hear...you can't.  As I go for my 1 year follow-up mammo on Wednesday, I'm beginning to feel that same panic.

Try to put your faith into whatever higher power you believe in.  Be prepared, but try not to feel helpless.  We will be here for you, even if you get good news! 

Just before my surgery, I met Sheryl Crow.  She had just finished her radiation treatments.  When I spoke to her, and told her that I had just been diagnosed, she said the most powerful thing anyone has ever said to me.  "Remember that every woman on this earth is praying for us."  Tonight I will pray for you!

Courage and peace to you sister!

ponderingreality

Ohhh thank you so much for responding. i went and did the dishes, and came back to your beautiful comforting words, and your prayers. i do pray for all of you, have ever since my aunt elsie was dx-ed. seems selfish to not include every woman going throught the same thing, and more.

Again, I just thank you so much... I just had to put it somewhere other than in my head. (i wrote 'off my chest', but got the weird pun and decided against it, yeah?)

And am glad you got to meet someone so insprational, and that you share it with everyone. 

...and lastly, thank you for welcoming me. I have learned a lot here, just this evening.

karen    ...ps, my daughter's name is emiley, we call her emi she is 13, and the light of my days! well the older ones are too... 19,20, and 23 < he is not a daughter... tee hee

ponderingreality

I called my mom, I didn't tell her it was bigger, I just told her I was getting quite worried about it. she did what mommies do best (i am 44) and made it all a little better.

And so did you! 80%? wow, well.. that does change the way I feel. I mean, ya know... some.. i am human.

thank you both for pointing me to the right post... Ii hope these go there, as I

don't want to take up space in the wrong place...

I feel better, and I am no longer freaking out... haha... well... not as much, it just got sooo loud in my head.  

Can't thank you both enough. And this place! is filled with valuable information!

Karen 

BrendaK

Karen,

I am 41 and on June 29, 2007, I was diagnosed with breast cancer.  I am halfway done with my chemo and then will have to start radiation.  These treatments are to help ensure that it does not come back.  Today I am "cancer free".  This aweful thing actually turned out to be a not so bad thing.  (I know that's hard to imagine).  I drove 2 hours to Chicago and found a wonderful surgeon.  I encourage you to take control of this situation and do not postpone any tests that you  may need to have.  In my case, time was of the essense.  I will pray for you.  Stay positive. 

ponderingreality

Thank you too BrendaK, that is awesome news! ... I have learned so many things in the past couple of days here that have made me realize a LOT of things.

One thing in particular is if I am going to worry.... pace myself, yeah?  I mean, gee no matter what happens, I am probably going to worry.  Sort of 'pick my battles' as far as worrying goes.

And man-o-man, you guys are just  incredible, i hope you all know this, 'cause I was just beside myself. And you guys, just pulled me back in, and said... "listen"....

And for that, no matter what happens, I will always be appreciative to you all. 

My dr. was called away, so the nurse will call with the appt. I did tell her, my nerves were a little on edge, so she gave me a perscript. for a 'nerve pill' I haven't picked it up yet.... because of you guys! really! I will, I know I will... but only at 'battle time'.

Again, I can't thank you enough for taking the time, I felt so all by myself, I am not.

Karen 

leaf

Please try to be very kind to yourself at this time. If you need your nerve pill before 'battle time' then take it.



You are not alone. We all want to be prepared for what is on the road ahead of us, no matter what it is.

I personally was crying at work and at home, wanted to know the worst case scenario, and was wondering if I would live until the 'tumor board' (group of physicians that meet every month or so to review cases.) Others planned their funeral in detail, including hymns and picking out caskets. So no matter what you are thinking or worrying about, you are probably not the first.



I didn't know the 'big picture' - that most people - even if they do get breast cancer - do not die of their disease. That's **if** they get bc.




Some women find distraction helps while they wait to go through tests.



And that 80% figure (80% of biopsies turn out to be benign) even holds for women who are at high risk.



Please know we are thinking of you. Let us know how it goes, OK?

ponderingreality

Thank you leaf, it helps to know all of my 'weird thinking' is normal. The way I am thinking of it now, is that if I found a beautiful dress for $100.00 and it was 80% off. Thats a pretty sweet deal, yeah?

Still no appt. should be today (?) but I slept last night, so thats good. 

I thank you ever so kindly, for your words... There is so much people need to learn, I wasn't aware that I knew so little.

leaf

It is very good that you were able to sleep!!!



Try to be very gentle with yourself. There are few absolutes in breast cancer. But the 80% statistic is true in the US. That is a Very Big Number.



Before I had my mammo with 'suspicious calcifications', I thought the only women who got breast cancer were women who ignored their lumps. And I'm a health professional. So please don't be harsh with yourself for not knowing everything. No one does. I've been diagnosed (with LCIS + ALH) since Jan 2006, and I'm still learning what we don't know.



Please know I'm thinking of you and wishing you well as you get through this tough period.

Harley44

Hi Karen,

Thinking of you, and saying some prayers that your  results will be b-9! 

I am 44, was 43 when dx'd in March 2007...  I am just about to finish up with my chemo, on Oct 9th...  Just telling you this, so you'll know that it's ok...  My chemo was for "just in case"... to make sure that the bc NEVER COMES BACK!!!   My surgeon removed it, so it's GONE!!! 

I had bi-lateral mast., even though the bc was only in ONE breast, I had both removed, since it will make my reconstruction easier...  I'll be having reconstruction on Nov. 7th! 

I was SUCH a basket case when I was first dx'd... the women here were SO very NICE!  

Post often, and keep us updated on your progress...  Keeping you in my prayers! 

Good Luck to you!

Hugs,

Harley

ponderingreality

again, i thank you soo very, very much.

I couldn't find your site, and paniced! but i found you, i completely freaked out when i couldn't find you!

my apt is set for monday @ 12:40, it is a diagonistic one, since we already know there is something there. what happens next?

my panic is down some. (again thanks to ya'll)... and that nerve pill the doc gave me..lol.

I can do this! with the knowledge that 80%, and then out of that little 20% most (?) mostly are fixable right? 

I am afraid to move to the right spot where I am supose to post, I am afraid you will forget me. i am holding on to you guys maybe too tightly, but please dont' leave me.

I will let everyone know what happens, my mom is going with me... that is a huuuuuge good thing.

again, i can't thank you enough for you care.... and please don't lose me! I need you ladies sooo much. 

I have affection for you ladies that have helped so much, and i am afraid of other people!... silly, i know. I am just afaid no one will be as good as you ladies! so I am worried about changing my spot here.... do you think this ok?

geebung

Pondering - here are some huge hugs for you - ((((((( ))))))) We won't let you lose us! You will find that the ladies who post on this topic will also turn up on the other threads and there will be more lovely ones there as well.

The others have given you a wealth of information so I won't add to it. I am still deciding if I should have a recon or not so I read your post with interest.

I am so happy that your mother is going with you - it's SO important to have a loved one with you when you have consultations with your medicos.

Hold on tight to us.

Lots of hugs and love to you,

gb 

lvtwoqlt

Pondering, I have been following all the advise that the others have given you and they are 'spot on'.

I will try to answer your question about what happens next. Your appointment Monday is for diagnostic mammo? It is good your mom is going with you for moral support. If it is a diagnostic mammo, they will be doing close ups of the problems in your breast, maybe a cone compression image. This will magnify the suspect area on your breast to try to get a better picture of what is going on.

After the diagnostic mammo, you will go back to your doctor to discuss the next step. If the mammo show a problem, the surgeon will probably want to do some kind of biopsy, but don't worry about that until the time comes (remember the 80% rule). I have had microcalcification clusters show in my mammo several times resulting in biopsies. They put me on 6 month mammo to keep watch on any problems that may develop, you may be on this same schedule. but remember they will be watching you closely for early problems.

You may want to start a file and ask for copies of all reports and keep a notebook with questions and what the doctor says about what is going on.

We were all scared the first time we had problems develop, we are here to help all who are just as scared as we were then.

Sheila

ponderingreality

Thank you all again....ya just don't know how much ya'll mean to me.

I have some silly questions.... first I am thrilled that I will find out SOMETHING on Monday! no matter what it is, well, i do have a preference lol.

ok, lets just say Monday, they say, yep, there is something there.... what next?

how long does it take to find out WHAT it is?

and then how long does it take for them to do something about it?

who needs boobies anyway? (i mean worse case scenario), I have already fed my babies... does it mess with your mind a lot?

does insurance pay for new ones?

how about the hubby? i have a great one, (18 years) will he be ok?

just how sick does it make you?

does your hair fall out all the time? or just some of the time? does your under arm hair fall out too? how about leg hair (that's be kinda nice) and pubic too? i know this may seem silly, i just don't know!

I am still scared, but not NEARLY as much as my first post... I am still learning about all of this, and can't thank you enough.  I am going to be OK!!! and if I'm not, I still have you. 

I don't know what micro-clusters are, what are other things that it may be, that are ok things to have? not that micro-clusters are ok, because i don't know what they are.  GOoGLE time.... yeah? 

i have great admiration for you, and appreciate each and everyone of you. I am trying to learn the 'lingo', but its like a new language.

I am going to get my mind off of all of this, tomorrow is the day.... I think I will get my house clean... what am i thinking? hahaha.... can't thank you enough. 

Karen 

ponderingreality

This is a hard note to write too. First, I am fine water cyst... (will check further, but there is no real doubt).

This is the hardest part is knowing there is nothing I can do for ALL of you, who fight, inform, and comfort. For all of the help and sanity you have given me.

I send my Aunti a little something every once in while to make her smile.

This is my quandry, what do I do for all of you?

I buy pink ribbon socks, I have a pair on now... have worn them all day, did that help anyone? I am not a woman of means, (oh my goodness-by no means lol) 

Is that helping anyone? I have ribbon stuff galore, in honor of my Aunti.

Is this really helping you ladies that have given me hope, strength, knowledge, and even love, I felt it.

How do I thank you ever so kindly with all of my heart?

Karen 

geebung

How wonderful Karen! I was so happy to hear that it was a cyst! What a relief.

love,

gb 

ponderingreality

Thank you both so very much! I have been telling everyone I know and making them promise to do their exams!

It is awareness month, and I just wanted to stop in and tell you all that I think about you often, and pray everynight... awareness month or not.

Can't ever thank you enough,

Karen 

Indigoblue

Ponderingreality,

Gentle hugs to you...wish I could say sleeeep, tight, tomorrow is a another day.  Not to worry...but I feel exactly the same as yourself.

Frightehed, worried, wondering if it;s worth all this anger and madness when I never know what it is we are supposed to do Next.  What to expect next.  Who are we supposed to trust and/or believe?

I haven't even been able to make an appointment for the fear of knowing what is  happening in my body.  I am frought with terror of "knowing" what I know will be likely true.

Try not to feel alone; easier said than done, I know.

You seem brave, strong, and optomistic; use it as a friend and hopefully it will help you to get past the scarey stuff.

Good tidings, and be well.''[[[''

Indi

Indigoblue

I am so tired, I must have hit the silly button twice.  I really don't know what I'm doing these days.  Too much pain, and can't seem to find aswers.  Sorry.  hope this fixes the problem.

Prayers for you, and good luck on Friday@  Try not to worry.

Indi