What to say..or not to say.

Florida7

My wonderful and beautiful neighbor told me she that she has breast cancer and is having a mastectomy on Sept 28th. I just listened and at the end of our conversation, I told her that I'm here and for their family to let me know what I can do to help. They have a 3 yr old and a 6 yr old. Does anyone have any advice on how I may be able to help them out? I thought about cooking for them after her surgery so she won't have to deal with that. Any advice would be great. What helped or hindered your recovery period?

I'm so glad I came to this website and was able to read many of these posts. You are all such brave and wonderful people. I've been a Nurse for 13 years and the bravery demonstrated by individuals diagnosed with this dreadful disease never ceases to amaze me.

gshoemate

What a wonderful friend and neighbor.  I'm sure you will get lots of suggestions. 

Cooking would be a wonderful idea.  Maybe volunteer to watch the kids even if for an hour.  The best thing that I received after my mastectomy was a camisole with pockets for the drains.  http://www.softeeusa.com/

The best thing though, just be there for her.  She is on a very long journey and sometimes it can be a lonely one.  If she has access to a computer you could direct her here.

Ginger

caaclark

When I was diagnosed (a year and 8 months ago but who's counting) a few friends ended up really coming through for me.  One friend took my 3 children (ages 8, 6, and 4 at the time) so that my husband and I could have some time to call friends and family.  She insisited despite me saying no.  I cannot tell you how great it was to have my children wisked off so that my husband and I could process the scary what ifs.  She also took my children when I came home from the hospital so that I could come home to peace.

Another friend not only made meals, but coordinated all the people who wanted to make meals so that I did not have to do that.  When someone called to ask what I needed I just gave them her phone number and she took care of it.

Another friend treated me to a massage the day before my mastectomy.  At the time I did not want to go but she convinced me to do so.  It was fantastic!

I think it is very difficult for moms to say they need help even when they do.  For me, the people who just did things without my asking were the people who really helped me the most.

I am not  sure if your neighbor will be having chemo but if she is the meals and childcare will be the biggest issues.

caaclark

Oh, I forgot one more thing...do not say what one of my neighbors said to me which was, "Do the doctors think you are going to make it?"  I laugh about it now but I didn't at the time.

acgw

Dear Florida,

What a good neighbor you are!

I think that one of the most helpful things you can do is simply stay in her life as she goes through this journey.  I found that people sometimes got tired of dealing with my illness. "What, you can't work full time.... other people work through their chemo and I need a vacation..." or they just stop calling...

Having someone who simply takes an interest can make the journey easier.

My best wishes to your neighbor.     

livinginboji

Just being there for her is a BIG thing. I have found that I basically only have/had one friend I can count on. She calls often to just talk and always asks if I need something. And she is there for me when I need to talk. Meals are good too although I live alone and am VERY picky about what I eat so it is difficult for anyone to make a meal for me. A cute/funny card or email is always nice too. I wish I had a thoughtful, caring neighbor like you.

Wishing good thoughts to your neighbor. Be sure to tell her of this web site. It is awesome! There is strength in numbers!

Cheryll

JustOne

Florida~

What a wonderful friend and neighbor you are. Just by coming to this website and asking questions you are showing such care and concern.

All great suggestions here. Meals are a great idea. I know I so appreciated them.

My neighbor/friend would not allow me to drive myself to chemo. Even when I knew I was capable of doing it myself, she wouldn't hear of it. Bless her heart, I'm so glad she went along. Just by being there, she knew a little bit of what I was going through.

I'll be thinking good thoughts for your neighbor, she's so very lucky to have someone like you in her life.

~Pam

lori1964

When I was going through chemo friends and neighbors would bring food so my family wouldn't have to worry about cooking. So making an easy dinner for them once in awhile would be nice.  Especially since they have little kids.  Things that are easy for them to get themselves and eat. 

Just tell her you are there if she needs anything 

nash

I'll echo the others in saying you're a wonderful neighbor! And that sticking with her will be important. The meals really help, especially child friendly/sick tummy ones. My neighbors brought me frozen meals with cooking instructions, which are great b/c I have a freezer full of food that I can pull out as needed. Then another neighbor put together a care basket of comfort foods--bread, popcorn, pretzels--which was perfect for my chemo tummy. She also included fruit and kid friendly snacks for my children. She included a funny card, and it really made my day.

People mean very well when they say things, but statements to stay away from are "bc is very treatable, you'll be fine" (it diminishes the situation, and frankly, the treatment is the pits), "don't worry, your hair will grow back in, and maybe it will come back different!" (I used to have very thick naturally curly hair, and people keep saying maybe it will come in straight, like that would be an improvement, which is sort of insulting), and if she's waffling about bilat mast/reconstruction, don't say how great it will be to have perky new boobs. That's OK for her to say, but not for others. Everyone has different feelings on the reconstruction.

myrenewal

Helping her with her laundry would be a huge help, especially right after her mastectomy when mobility will be limited.  For me, while in chemo, laundry seemed like a HUGE chore - it would take me an entire day.  Tell her you aren't scared of dirty underwear!!

Going to the post office, picking up prescriptions, grocery shopping would all be helpful.  She may just want a companion to go with her - I did not always feel safe when out alone due to side effects of chemo.

I hope your neighbor does well - she will never forget that you cared about and helped her.  My neighbors were also wonderful.

kellybrimhall

Hi, There is such a feeling of helplessness for supporters, but for me when I was going through it, the best support was just knowing that there were people out there willing to help if I needed it, and knowing that there were many prayers. I'm not religious, but I do understand the power of loving thoughts. I had one very good friend who left little anonomous gifts outside my door from time to time. That was so fun. I was lucky to have lots of support. I knew all I had to do was ask.



She is lucky to have you on her side.



Kelly

gshoemate

Just had to add this great organization that I signed up with at the start of my treatment called chemo angels.  They connect you up wiht 1 or 2 angels and throughout your treatment they send cards and care packages.  I was assigned 2 angels and I would of been lost without them.  It was so nice to receive mail from them every week.  The sad thing is I hear more from my angels then I do my family.

http://www.chemoangels.net/

emg326

What a great neighbor you are. I've been very blessed with friends like you. I had my surgery in July and am now having chemo, and we've had meals delivered 3 days a week since the surgery. People have also given us gift cards for restaurants and some people collected $ to help with housecleaning. Others have done "make and take" meals to keep in the freezer.  It's truly been amazing. I'm the one who's usually the "giver" of this kind of stuff and it's been hard to be the "receiver", but I'm extremely grateful and don't know what I would have done without the help. 

Dnicoletto

While recovering from surgery, a little sleep mid-day is so important. Taking the kids for a couple of hours in the afternoon (especially that first week) would be a wonderful thing to do.

I had just moved to a new state when I was diagnosed and didn't really know anyone around here. Sure would have been nice to live down the street from you!

~Dorie

drgnfly

I have to agree that your neighbor is so lucky to have you and she will appreciate anything that you do to help her through this difficult time. One of my neighbors is an oncology nurse, so along with giving me advice and support about meds and chemo she knew just what to do to help me! She got an e-mail list of my closest neighbors and family and she set up a schedule for meals for the week after my chemo treatments. Now I have to say that some of the food didn't appeal to my upset stomach, but the rest of my family was happy to be eating a real home-cooked meal. I didn't realize before all of this what a great group of neighbors I have, but I sure do know now! We will be having a big neighborhood blast to celebrate the end of my chemo (Oct. 11).I can't wait!!! ) I also have an out-of-state friend who sent me little surprises each month...natural soaps, meditative CD's, cards...and that was very nice.