Feeling sorry for myself !!!

phoenix9873

Warning-----This is a long, long, short version of the last three years of my life.

Well, I guess I will start with my life story here, to give a little background, so to speak.

I am a 34yr old mother, caregiver to my mother, wife and cancer survivor. Listed in order of importance in my life. I have had a very blessed life for the most part, the last few years have been hard but more blessed for having the people I love dearly still here and near. 

To start,I was coming up on what I thought, would be a very happy 10yr mark in my marriage when I found out the husband I worshiped, was cheating on me. First off, I can honestly say I had no clue and was totally devastated. I was glad at this point to be a child of God. My faith has helped me become a stronger better woman.

Not 2mths after this, my mother who is my best friend and has been for years had a major stroke, it was so bad that the doctor said she should have died. After the stroke, I packed up my 2 beautiful daughters and moved into my mom's house because it was better equipped to handle a wheelchair.

So now I am the primary caregiver to my mom who is 56yrs old, can't talk, can't walk and at the time had bad short term memory problems. I don't mind any of this because like I said bf here and I am just glad she is still with us, plus it's not like I had a marriage to worry about anymore. The hardest part was moving my kids from their house with 2 separate bedrooms to putting both in one room. I have my own room and up until my cancer episode my girls would get to sleep with me ever Friday night, kinda like mini girls night of tv and snack then a sleep over.

Then in 2006, later in the winter months I began to feel really fatigued. Now I haven't been to a doctor in at least 6 yrs but because I was feeling so tired I thought I would go get my blood checked for anemia at the beginning of 2007. Needless to say, that never happened. I was going to school full-time online, taking care of the house, yard, pool, mom, and my girls, so tired I could see. I like to be busy. Then one night, about two weeks before x-mas, while sitting at the computer doing my school work, I noticed the left side of my upper ribs was hurting, so I ran my hand along the rib to see if I could find the problem. Now take into account, that I did and still do self breast exams and have never even had a small knot or even a firm spot, I am talking I usually do an exam more than once a month because I would do one whenever the thought crossed my mind. This was just something I grew up learning about along with everything else being female came along with because no one in either side of my family had ever had breast cancer. So here I am checking along my ribs until I come to under my breast, I thought to myself, what the heck. I then felt under my other breast, not really sure why there, cause it's not like I was going to find it normal to have a lump in both sides of my breast when just last month I had none,lol. I discover a lump about the size and shape of a golf ball, it was solid and not painful at all. 

Now, I don't know about you but I just knew, and  I don't know how I knew, but I knew it was cancer. I was hoping it wasn't and I actually thought about not going to the doctor until after the new year because it was almost x-mas. Then I thought about how this lump wasn't there last month and about how big it was in just a short amount of time, so I made a doctors apt for he following day and just told everyone that I had a check-up.

Now, I go to my ordinary, regular GP, who I admit is an awesome doctor, he is also my mom's, aunt and uncle's doctor, he examines me and looks directly at me and said " I wish that lump was sore because then I could tell you maybe you have an infection but because of the shape and feel, you have breast cancer." Now I don't know about you but the most I was expecting was you have a lump, let's make sure it's nothing and run some more test. Nope, you have breast cancer.. I am sending you for a mammogram tomorrow. Now, I have to go home and tell my family , who has no clue what so ever, that I have breast cancer. Only one in my family ever to have breast cancer, aren't I special..lol..So I went for this mammo, one that they can see the test results right then, really nice lady running the machine. She comes back in about 15 min, looking all upset for me and says we are scheduling you for a sonogram, be right back to take you there. Next, there is a sonogram and the ex-ray doc coming out and saying it's definitely cancer.

I wasn't as devastated as some people are. I had my faith, I knew I would fight, I had my 2 beautiful girls and I am strong. Of course this is before becoming aware and in the chemo zone..lol. Can you say naive... 

I had my first surgery in late Dec 2006, a lump removal. I went for more test and a second surgery in very early Jan 2007 to remove more of the breast tissue, 5 lymps and to put in a chemo port. They got all of the cancer out of the breast but 3 of the 5 lymps had cancer in them.

Now, let me say this, I know some people go through chemo with little or no problem, I soooo wasn't one of those people. After my first treatment of a/c I told my friend that I wasn't ever going through that again. I have had 2 kids, broken bones, surgeries and I can tell you I have never gone through something that bad before. I did go back, obviously..

I was taking the a/c treatments every 2 weeks with a day after booster for my bone marrow growth. The doctor had me on 5 different anti-nausea meds and 2 different kind of nerve pills and I still felt like an 90yr old woman after a train wreck, with never ending nausea, even after all the meds. Can I just say I have never been that sick and in pain. yuk, yuk, yuk!

4 treatment of the a/c then onto 4 treatments of taxol, less nausea more pain. Lost all of my hair and I mean all. My eyes bothered me because of clogged tear ducts, way dry skin, mouth sores, neuropathy in my hands and feet, they were turning black, constipation, fatigue and last but not least nothing taste right. I, of course had and still have chemo brain, I took a medical leave of absence from school and just started back but I think it was too soon, I have no drive,  no energy, still nauseous, still in pain and I am failing because of it. Also started going through chemo induced menopause and never ending hot flashes, there for a little while, until they put me on effexor. So can I say chemo was not fun for me.

I was so glad to start radiation 30 treatments, everyday for 4 weeks. I had to stop before my last three treatments because of radiation burns under my arm. After a week off, I finished up and went for my 5 boost radiation treatments and now I am done. Yah me.. Well except for taking tamoxifen and effexor for the next five years.

I have been strong and positive and happy throughout my test and treatment because I consider this to be a temporary thing in a long blessed life. This cancer thing went from my breast to my lymps to my lung before God and my treatments prevailed. I am now CANCER FREE!!!!!

So now, finally, onto the feeling sorry for myself part of this, long drawn out ramble I have going on, I feel worse now than I did while was going through all that. What is up with this!!!!!!!!!! I sleep all the time, I have 24/7 nausea, my bones still hurt and I am just tired of being tired. I know some of these symptoms are from the tamoxifen and I will deal, because these symptoms are way better than a regular dose of chemo any day of the week!! I can maybe get 2 good hours out of my day and then I am back in bed. I, now, feel like my body is not mine, instead of when I went through all of those treatments, tests and surgeries before. I gained 50 pounds from the steroids I was on and it's still around. I can not afford these extra pounds because I was already over weight at 200 before the extra 50 that now makes me 250 at 5'5. I know this is part of my energy problem, I have no drive, no energy, nausea, bone pain, and all of this is making me crazy because I want to be able to do even the basics in my life and right now I am not even pulling those off. I am at a loss of what to do or what is happening to me, I should be feeling better not worse, right? 

Well, I thank you guys for letting me rant, I think this helped a little to get this off my chest... 

EachDay

((((((((((((((((huge hug)))))))))))))))

You have ridden the roller coaster for a number of years, putting everyone first and yourself last.  What can I say?  Welcome to the "women's club".  It's what we do, it's maybe what we are programmed to do.  Now is the time and the bell is ringing loud and clear..you go to the front of the line and you make yourself a priority.  Your body, your everything is telling you this.

You are also going through what most of us do...post traumatic stress.  It is one part depression, one part overall sadness, one part relief.  You hold in so much while going through dx and treatment and then it's "over" and you start to move forward and you haven't a clue where to go next.

Getting this off your chest was a must....you can't go around with this bottled up inside you.  If you don't have a good support group of friends where you live that you can share these thoughts with, see if you can find a local support group where you can talk to other women in the same boat.  Speak to your doctor about seeing a counsellor where you could discuss this.  Self-help books from the library abound with ideas about how to re-create the you that you have lost.

It takes time to start moving forward and reclaiming a life.  The thing is, it's not going to be the life you were living.  It will be something new and in my opinion, I think whatever we claim as we go forward is better.  It's about making a life and not just living through one.

As for the lingering side effects of chemo/rads...they are real and they can take a long time to get over.  Sometimes they never go completely.  It's about taking it one day at a time and building up strength that has been sapped from you.

You might want to speak to your doctor about a mood elevator as well.  I use Effexor and it's done wonders for me.  I was getting close to the end of treatment and knew I needed something.  Many women on the breast cancer journey use these types of meds.

This is a wonderful place to come have a rant and a rave because you know everyone here is going to be saying "I get that".  Sometimes we just want our feelings validated.  With a name like Phoenix...I just know you are going to soar!!

EachDay

repeat of original post ~ deleted by EachDay

Anonymous

It's called Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and it's a legitimate psychiatric diagnosis. Many, many women would never have prevailed through the trials that you've endured. You've been in 'warrior mode' for far too long and have pushed through so much. It's got to take its toll. Your emotional being is seeking solace, serenity and balance and those are hard to find even under normal circumstances. If at all possible, please consider seeing a therapist or, at the very least, asking your doctor for an antidepressant. At least until your mood lifts and things look brighter and clearer. And keep coming here....this is what we deal with among ourselves all of the time, so you should feel right at home.

Hang in there.....and give yourself a break. You don't have to fight so hard anymore.

~Marin

Anonymous

Oh, my, {{{{Phoenix}}}}.  You have been through more than most people.  And then to find out your cancer diagnoses.  And then the treatments.  They are hard, hard on your body.  It is certainly not unusual to feel the fatigue that you have.  And one can get depressed from having their lives turned upside down.

You ARE such a postitive lady.  Take care of YOU.  Did you get help during your treatments?

The ladies have offered you very good advice.  Believe me when I say many of us have been through what you are going through.

Come back often.  We want to know that YOU are okay.

Shirley

iodine

Hello, reading your post has brought me to tears for you.  I just want to bring you home and take care of you for a while and do good things for you and let you know how it feels to be taken care of comepletely., and for you not to have to worry about anything for a while.

I know you are on the road to recovery but this is the very time that it all comes crashing down on our heads--now that we have time to actually THINK about the hell that we've been thru. And how did we ever get thru it? 

And what happens next?

My heart goes out to you.  Please come back and know we are where you have been, and we've climbed out, fallen back a few times and climbed out for good after a while.  Let us help you on that climb.

Hugs.