Does the fear ever go away ?

CurlyKatFL

Ladies, sisters

I was diagnosed in April 2004. I have been on these boards on and off for 3 years for a variety of reasons. I had a mastectomy May 2004, chemo (Ended in Nov, 2004), reconstruction, lyphadema and I am on Tamoxifen (you ladies know the drill). Luckily I have been dancing with NED. My hair is back and my life has settled into a nice routine. Kids are in college and high school. I should be happy … RIGHT?

I have my regular oncologist appointment this afternoon, and as I sit here at my desk at work, I am a mess. I am shaking, nauseous, on the verge of tears. I have been this way for days. My husband doesn’t understand, he thinks I should be over it. My friends thought I should have been over it before my hair grew back. There are times like this when the fear hits and I feel like I am not really moving beyond cancer.

I feel so low and sick right now and I think the only people that could possibly understand are my bc sisters. So I am here to dump on you.

I want to live my life again even thought I am not sure what that is.
I want to make it through today without throwing up.
I don’t want to cry at work.

More than anything I need someone to say, its okay Kat, I’ve been there.

Sorry about the pity party

Kat

Anonymous

Kat,
Im sorry your feeling all those horrible feelings but rest assured, your not in the boat alone....I have my 1st 6 month follow ups in a couple of weeks and Im beginning to feel those feelings building inside me......when ladies told me that I would have those feelings I didnt really belive them, but lo and behold....here they come!!!!!! and I dont have a clue how to stop them....

I wish there was something I could say or do to take your fears away, but I guess for now the best it to let you know YOUR NOT ALONE, there are many of us here that have appts in the next few weeks....

Hugs
Jule

jasmine

For me, in order to truly live past a diagnosis of breast cancer, you must conquer the fear of dying. A life lived in fear is no life at all.

CurlyKatFL

Jule - thank you

AlwaysHope - I don’t fear death. I wish it were that simple.

I fear the pain my family would go through should I be sick again or should I die.

I fear losing my job and thus the financial well being to care for my family.

There are more but I am not sure talking about them will help.


Take care

Kat

Sierra

Hi Kat:

I just want to send out lots of
very special light for you today

May all be well
and please know
that you post here anytime
many have posted similar feelings
to yours, and even myself
at several years out
Sisters here always send support
and light
SO Hang tight..

Maybe you need counselling
Fear can paralyze us
and each one of us
is different

I used to have panic attacks
and would take a clonazepam
for them, some years back

Hugs

AlaskaDeb

I'm sending you a hug.

I can tell you that actually writing ALL my fears down, both here and in a journal, has helped me greatly. One of my worst fears is leaving my 2 teen daughters motherless if my cancer comes back. Just thinking about it makes me want too cry...BUT since I actually have written it down and faced the fear, it IS getting better...I'm not sure why, but it has helped.

Try some deep breathing and maybe a quiet walk...it might help.

hang in there...we DO understand
Deb C

Anonymous

Hi Kat: You are definitely not alone. I don't live each day in fear - but certainly when there's something new going on with my body ... or when I have followup tests/doctor visits -
those fears creap back up into my everyday life ...

I had my yearly mammo last week, onc visit this week, surgeon visit next week ... and rad onc coming up soon ... so my anxiety level is on high alert right now... and my mind starts thinking crazy thoughts.

your bc sisters are probably the only ones who truely understand that just because we're finished with active treatment ... doesn't mean we can simply walk away and not be impacted or changed by the whole experience. I don't think others can fully understand the impact of being diagnosed with cancer.

Hugs,
Doreen

sharebear

Having cancer changes your life. I don't worry about the small things, I always look for the good in people and I try and enjoy life day by day. I LIVED 12 years between occurrences and I'm not done living yet. I've now had everything removed, been rebuilt, and chemically altered and I plan on giving em hell for at least another 30 years!

Sharon

Anonymous

Hey Kat....You are absolutely NOT ALONE and, yes, we do understand here what you're are going through, though many of us have developed different coping mechanisms to push us forward and to keep moving. This PTSD that we experience is unique in that our trauma is often sugar-coated by not only popular culture, with its pink ribbons and its grinning, bald-headed survivors, but by our closest friends and family members who buy into the concept of bc as just a blip on life's highway and can't understand why we can't simply move on. Well, it's a bit hard to embrace each & every day with a soaring heart when many of our hopes and dreams have been tainted and our self-images as strong, sexy & invincible have been banged up quite a bit. So some of us put on a brave front and "act as if" and this sometimes works by allowing us to transition to a more peaceful, accepting version of ourselves. Others have strong ties to a religion that enables them to have unfailing faith that all is going to be just fine. But for others of us, the transition isn't as smooth and blind faith doesn't cut it. So it takes longer to find our new selves. I say, then, just give it time. Come here and "dump," as you put it, journal as Deb suggests, be gentle with yourself and try to identify and enjoy whatever little pleasures and joys come your way. Maybe even reach out to others in greater need than you in order to get out of your own head for awhile. Try something new. I think it will come and you'll begin to experience some peace and some hope for your own future. It might comes in drips and drabs at first and eventually take momentum, but at least have hope that your view will change over time and most likely for the better.

And if all of that doesn't work, there's always pills and booze (just kidding!)

Hang in there....

~Marin

Anonymous

Quote:

---

And if all of that doesn't work, there's always pills and booze (just kidding!)

~Marin

---

Now, why didn't I think of that?

Kat, you have every right to your feelings. EVEN FEAR! For Pete's sake, you've been through a lot. I'm sure you're not fearful everyday. But the day of and the days before a visit to the onc can be fearful for many people.

All I can do is give you a {{{{{cyber hug.}}}}}

Hope your appointment went okay and NED is still in your corner.
Shirley

Valsul

Kat,

I had a follow up last week with my onc's assistant and after examining my scar area pressed somewhere in the axilla area that sent me almost to the ceiling in excruciating pain. He said that there was nothing to worry about, and then what followed was a week of pain, weeping and snapping at family - I was fearful again.

On Tuesday of this week I asked to see my regular onc and she met me, reassured me about the pain and told me I had NED.

But although I should have been jumping for joy, I was just a little below par after the worrying week before and exhausted from not sleeping to generate the energy for a jig:)

My onc told me on Tues that the fear does ease as time goes on, when there will be more time free of uneasy thoughts than with them, but follow ups will still get the heart rates going and all the associated stresses. It will get better, but three steps forward and one step back.

Steady as we go, and big hugs to make you feel better.

dazedandconfused

FEAR........the worst part of all of this for me. It has been four years. I feel great. Have my hair and even think I have a my old life back. However, right now a friend of mine is going through chemo and having a tough time with it all. When I was telling my husband about it I said "Well maybe next time it will be harder on me than the first time" !!!!!!!! Oh my gosh..I couldn't even believe I said that but deep down I fear it is true. I find myself trying to do everything just in case...vacations, lunches with friends, even reading a book which I couldn't concentrate on for years. My 6 month checkup is this Friday so I am just shaking in my boots. thinking of you.....and wanted you to know you aren't alone.

Fitztwins

Fear is right. Fear of the unknown. Hate it, but embrace it.

Janis
plus wine helps.

Shirlann

Well, it is Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome. It takes a long time to go away. A lot of us are helped immensely by anti-depressants. I am a life long anxiety, depressive, panic attack original, so I know whereof I speak.

They are a miracle, and if you are not on them now, you should give them a try.

Gentle hugs, Shirlann

biondi

HI KAT, IT'S CONFORTING TO KNOW YOUR NOT ALONE. I TELL MYSELF, "CANCER, YOU HAVE TAKEN ENOUGH FROM ME, MY BREASTS, GIVEN ME PAIN FROM THE DRUGS,AND ALL THE OTHER ROTTON SIDE EFFECTS, AND THATS ALL YOUR GETTING"
TODAY, I MAKE MY DAY, AND I AM GOING TO BE AS HAPPY AS I CAN BE,AND I AM GOING TO LIVE THIS DAY WITHOUT FEAR. I HAVE BEEN NED FOR 1 YR. 2MO..IF I GIVE INTO MY FEARS, THE CANCER WINS SOMEHOW, AND I WON'T LET IT ROB ME OF ANOTHER DAY. BIG HUGG : P.S I STILL HAVE TERRIBLE NIGHTMARES, I'M WORKING ON THAT..

livesstrong

Does the fear ever go away? God I hope so. But I think it takes time, a lot of time. My DH was dx 6 years ago and whenever he hears of someone having cancer the fear comes roaring back. Every ache and pain gets him nervous. I have a BFF that was dx 30 years ago and she still gets scared once in awhile. I'm beginning to think fear is normal and just one more thing we have to deal with on this never ending journey.
I was almost a year out but now I have to have another biopsy on some calcifications. My bs doesn't seem to be worried but I sure am. I won't start feeling "normal" again until I get the results.
I agree with the ladies that say friends and family just don't get it. Just because your walking and talking and breathing doesn't mean your fine. That is why I come to this site everyday. Everyone here has "been there, done that" and can truly relate to what you are going through. I have found great comfort in that.

Valerie

christineK

Hi Kat- my curly girl friend from FL. Good to see you back here. I just read something, someone posted, somewhere here... not to exact. I know, but it was from the Crazy Sexy Cancer blog. I think if if you do a search on that you'll find it, it made me feel so much better, I am not alone.

Anonymous

in a word, does the fear go away?

no

christineK

Well said Laura!
I guess it is how you handle the fear and live your life that makes a difference. Trying everyday.

Anonymous

well said christine...

trying everyday.

EachDay

Kat, I hope you made it through your appointment in one piece and are looking at the world from the other side of that office today.

Do others feel the way you were yesterday? Absolutely. I don't think that feeling ever goes away. I mentioned this once to a counsellor I talk to at the survivorship center I'm a member of and he told me he is a 15 year cancer survivor and it is always at the back of his mind and he goes through the days leading up to and the day of follow ups, scans, etc. with his heart in his throat.

We just have to learn the best way we can to cope with that and to get ourselves through the ring of fire, so that we can go back to that "new normal" we've created. And if we should have to stop along the cancer path again we have faith, we have courage and we have support here and with family, friends and outside groups to get us through the next challenge in life.

Let us know how things are today please!

CurlyKatFL

Thank you, Thank You. I knew this was the right place to have my pity party.

My appointment went well. I am still dancing with NED. I have some hormone issues and ended up getting a Zoladex shot. But this too is part of the journey.

I had to laugh about the pills and booze comment because when I tried to explain how bad I felt to my DH, his solution was to take me to our local and feed me wine. So today since I am not really a drinker, I feel too hung over worry about anything else. Yes wine does help.

I really do think I am going to write some of fears and thoughts down. I really think that might help.

Thanks again. HUGE HUGS

Kat

EachDay

Wonderful news!!!!!!
Wine works wonders!!!!!

Anonymous

Kat
Im jumping for joy for you.....sorry I'll try to be quiet....those wine hangovers and be awful ....

Just wanted you to know that we are all so very happy for you

nycmom

does it go away? not totally. but it gets less frequent. not everyday to maybe 3 times a year. everyone is fearful before doctor visit and waiting for test results.

kathysea

Thank god I'm not alone. It's been just a 1.5 years since my mastectomy and I feel more afraid now then say 6 months post-op. I too get very nervous and upset before my check-ups. I just found out my neighbor had a reoccurence after 8 years and like me had stage one breast cancer and mastectomy. I think that is when it really hit me that it could come back. And you are absolutely right, the only people you can really talk to are other breast cancer survivors. I've always been a positive person but this has definately changed me. I tried to hide it as much as possible so that I don't burdern my loves ones with it, I hate to see them upset over me. I find alone time to cry and I try not to talk about it too much with them unless they ask first. My husband is terrific with it all, he is the best "nurse" anyone could hope for. I just wish someone could tell me it's not going to happen again, but I know they can't.